>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND!
IT'S LOUIS CATO.
AND...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Louis: YES.
>> Stephen: LET ME DO THIS TONIGHT.
TONIGHT, SITTING WITH THE BAND, THE WONDERFUL ST. VINCENT IS
HERE TONIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
( APPLAUSE )
"MARTHA MY DEAR" BY THE BEATLES.
AND I DON'T THINK I HAVE TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE.
WE HAD YOU ON THE SHOW BEFORE.
YOUR COVER OF "DIG A PONY" I THINK MIGHT BE BETTER THAN THE
BEATLES' "DIG A PONY."
DON'T TELL JOHN LENNON I SAID THAT.
UNBELIEVABLE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: ANY CHANCE I COULD GET A LITTLE "DIG A PONY"?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THIS IS WORKING OUT.
ALSO, COMING OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE, OUR FRIEND
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT.
( APPLAUSE )
WEEK," COMEDY CENTRAL.
AND FROM "STRANGER THINGS," ONE OF THE STARS, BRETT GELMAN WILL
BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
Y'KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,
SELECTING THE DAY'S BIGGEST, MOST-IMPORTANT NEWS, CAREFULLY
LAYING IT OUT ON A STORY CANVAS, MIXING CHROMA, HUE, AND VALUE
IN AN ELEGANT AND TOPICAL DANCE TO CREATE FOR YOU THE SUBTLE,
MOVING, AND TIMELESS CLAUDE MONET MAGNUM OPUS THAT IS MY
NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN AN ABANDONED
TRAIN CAR, SCAVENGE SOME LEFTOVER INSTANT NOODLES AND THE
CHEWING GUM OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A SLEEPING HOBO, THEN STICK IT
ALL TO THE BACK OF A SCRAP OF CARPET TO PRESENT THE DRIFTER'S
MACARONI ART OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, ON SUNDAY JENNIFER LOPEZ CELEBRATED HER 53rd
BIRTHDAY WITH A NUDE PHOTO SHOOT TO PROMOTE HER NEW "FIRM AND
FLAUNT TARGETED BOOTY BALM."
WHAT?
COME ON, J-LO.
COME ON.
I MEAN, YOU LOOK GREAT, BUT THAT'S MY THING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EVEN "MORE" FOOTBALL?
THE N.F.L. HOPES SO, BECAUSE THEY'RE LAUNCHING THEIR OWN
STREAMING SERVICE FOR THE FIRST TIME CALLED NFL+.
IT'S A SIMILAR MODEL TO CNN+, BUT WITH VIEWERS.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU.
THE SUBSCRIPTION INCLUDES ALL OUT-OF-MARKET PRESEASON
GAMES, LIVE MOBILE DEVICE ACCESS TO LOCAL AND PRIME-TIME REGULAR
SEASON AND POSTSEASON GAMES, AND N.F.L. NETWORK SHOWS ON
DEMAND AND ARCHIVED N.F.L. FILMS PROGRAMMING FOR $4.99 A MONTH,
MAKING IT, BY FAR, THE MOST ECONOMICAL WAY TO TELL YOUR
SPOUSE, "I'VE GIVEN UP ON THIS MARRIAGE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS A REALLY LONG WALK.
WORTH THE WAIT.
WE GOT THERE TOGETHER, THOUGH.
MEANWHILE, A GOAT IN PAKISTAN HAS GONE VIRAL FOR HAVING EARS
SO LONG, THEY "DANGLE 23 INCHES."
WHEN CHOOSING A NAME FOR THIS ANIMAL WITH COMICALLY LARGE
EARS, THE OWNER CHOSE THE MOST LOGICAL DISNEY CHARACTER:
SIMBA.
( LAUGHTER )
NOT DUMBO?
"CHECK IT OUT.
I FOUND THIS REINDEER WITH A NOSE THAT GLOWS RED.
SAY HELLO TO GARFIELD THE RED NOSED REINDEER.
HE LOVES LASAGNA."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT THESE DAYS MORE PEOPLE ARE DATING WITHOUT DRINKING, AND
THAT THEY PREFER TO MEET POTENTIAL PARTNERS FOR COFFEE,
A FAVORITE HOBBY, OR A STROLL.
OKAY, COFFEE AND A STROLL I GET.
BUT HOBBIES CAN BE PRETTY SPECIFIC.
"HEY, SO FOR OUR FIRST DATE, I'M THINKING YOU COME OVER AND WATCH
ME PAINT MY WARCRAFT FIGURINES.
DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL BE SOBER THE WHOLE TIME."
( LAUGHTER )
AFFORDABLE PLACE TO LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY?
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE-BEDROOM BROOKLYN SAILBOAT FOR RENT AT
$600 A MONTH WHERE YOU SHOWER-- QUOTE-- "AT A NEARBY GYM."
IT'S OPEN CONCEPT, IN THAT YOU MUST BE OPEN TO THE CONCEPT OF
WATCHING OLD MEN BLOW DRY THEIR GROINS.
IF THAT SEEMS A LITTLE LOW RENT, A HAMPTONS HOME WITH A
$1 MILLION TV JUST SOLD FOR $30 MILLION.
THE MILLION-DOLLAR TV IS EIGHT FEET TALL, 18 FEET WIDE,
BY A FIRE PIT.
IT'S HYDRAULIC, AND POPS OUT FROM THE GROUND, DROPPING BACK
IN IF IT'S RAINING.
ALSO MAKES A HANDY WALL AGAINST WHICH YOU WILL BE LINED UP AND
SHOT WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, VELVEETA JUST RELEASED A LIQUID MAC AND
CHEESE MARTINI.
IT'S THE PERFECT DRINK FOR ANYONE WHO SAYS, "I WANT TO GET
DRUNK AND EAT FONDUE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIRTY TWO DISHES."
THIS AFFRONT TO GOD IS A RIFF ON A DIRTY MARTINI THAT FEATURES
VELVEETA-CHEESE-INFUSED VODKA STIRRED WITH OLIVE BRINE AND DRY
VERMOUTH, GARNISHED WITH VELVEETA-STUFFED OLIVES,
JUMBO-SIZE VELVEETA CHEESE SHELLS, AND A CHEESE DRIP, AND
IS CALLED "THE VELTINI," WHICH "A CRY FOR HELP."
CRY FOR HELP."
BECAUSE WE ARE SPECIAL, WE WERE ABLE TO GET OUR HANDS ON
A VELTINI.
LET'S GIVE IT WHIRL.
( LAUGHTER )
( GAGS ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.