You guys will love him.
From
Let him hear it. Paul Scheer.
Whenever I leave my house, every morning,
I walk out front,
and there's this big, giant piece of dog shit.
Boom, right there every morning,
it's like, "Good morning."
No, not a good morning. Terrible morning.
'Cause now I have to clean up a bunch of dog shit.
And I always say-- when I'm cleaning it up,
I'm like, "Oh, man, one day.
"One day, I'm gonna find the guy who shits on my lawn,
"and, oh, he is going to rue the day.
He is gonna rue the day."
It's gonna be like something out of
which is a movie I have not seen,
but I think it is about a guy who hunts down people
whose dog shits on his lawn.
Not positive about that.
So cut to a couple months ago, I have a baby, brand-new baby.
It's very exciting, very cute baby.
It's awesome.
My wife and I are at our house,
and we're, like, super cracked out.
Like, we haven't been out of our pajamas for days,
and my wife came up with this plan.
She's like, "We have to catch the dog-shitting guy."
I'm like, "Oh, yeah. We're gonna catch this guy,"
and we create, like, an elaborate sting operation.
We close all of our blinds,
make it look like we're not home,
and then we just kind of wait.
And we're just peering out the window,
and when someone comes, we're like, "Honey, come quick.
Aw, no, they picked up their shit."
We're actually upset when people pick up their dog shit.
We're like, "No."
And then finally, he came,
and I knew it was the guy,
because when he came down the block,
he looked like--I guess-- how can I explain this?
He looked like a home-schooled John Goodman, all right?
Walking down the block very boldly
with a Bluetooth headset that was so big
that even when Bluetooths came out,
it was too big, you know?
He comes. Dogs stop in front of our house.
We're watching, like, "All right, here it goes.
Here it goes."
And the dogs, like synchronized swimmers,
just squat at the same time--boop--
and...
They shit, and the guy just goes--
Looks around, sees our blinds are down.
He's like, "No one can be inside."
[laughs]
He doesn't know.
And he walks off,
and my wife and I-- we freak out.
It's like the jackpot, like, "Yes!
"We got him. We got him.
What do we do?"
My wife's like, "You got to go out there.
You got to confront him," and I'm like,
"No, I can't, 'cause I'm a pussy.
You go!"
So I send my wife out there,
a woman who has literally weeks ago
given birth to a human being,
to confront a large man and two wild animals,
and she goes out there
and then affects what I guess what I call,
like, a
She's like, "Excuse me, sir, your dog defecated on the lawn,
and this requires immediate attention."
No one's gonna stop for that.
The guys just blows right by her,
and I go, "No one can talk to my wife like that."
And I bust out of the house in my pajamas,
and I run down the street.
I'm like, "Hey, sir, your dog shit on our lawn,"
and then I wait for it.
And he looks at me, and he's like,
"No, they didn't," and I go, "Yes, they did."
And he goes, "No, they didn't."
And then I realized I did not have a plan
of how to confront this guy.
I want say something else, I don't know what to do,
so I figured I'd do the next best thing.
I insult his dogs. I look down.
I'm like, "Well, guess what.
This dog's dumb, and this dog's dumber."
I did it.
And the guys looks at me weird, and I'm like...
[laughs]
And I walk back to my wife, and I feel so triumphant.
I'm like, "Did you see how I just, like,
"slammed that guy's dogs?
She is gonna be so proud of me."
And then as I'm walking away, I hear,
"You're a disgusting human being."
And I turn to him, and I go, "I know!"
Screaming, and then I go to approach my wife,
and then he goes, "You two--
You two belong together."
And I approach my wife in a way
that I've never done before.
I put my hand on the small of her back,
and I tilt her over, like, in a
style kiss,
and I'm like--
[growls]
And I give him the finger. I'm like, "Take that."
And he leaves, and then I feel so triumphant.
And then I look down at the ground,
and I see a giant pile of shit
that I still have to clean up,
and then I realize that I left my child inside
unattended for, like, 15 minutes,
'cause I am a terrible parent.
Thank you guys so much.
[cheers and applause]