, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
GOOD FOR YOU.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
VERY KIND.
WELCOME.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HEY I HAVE A QUICK QUESTION FOR YOU GUYS IF YOU DON'T MIND ME
ASKING: ANYONE HERE USE THE INTERNET
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOCK IT OFF
BECAUSE CONGRESS HAS NOW VOTED TO ALLOW INTERNET PROVIDERS SELL
YOUR WEB-BROWSING HISTORY.
>> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: I RCHED THAT REACTION.
NOW MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO CLEAR YOUR BROWSER HISTORY.
JUST HIT THAT BUTTON, OR PULL THE LEVER?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE NEVER USED IT.
I'VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE.
I BURNED MY COMPUTER THIS MORNING.
( LAUGHTER ) SO THIS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH
WASHINGTON D.C.
HERE'S THE DEAL.
I GUARANTEE YOU THERE'S NOT A VOTER OF ANY POLITICAL STRIPE
ANYWHERE IN AMERICA WHO ASKED FOR THIS.
NO ONE.
NO ONE IN AMERICA STOOD UP IN A TOWN HALL AND SAID, "SIR, I
DEMAND THAT YOU LET SOMEONE ELSE MAKE MONEY OFF MY SHAMEFUL
DESIRES."
I CAN'T IMAGINE SOMEBODY ASKED THIS TO HAPPEN.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE PUBLICLY TAKING THE SIDE OF BIG INTERNET
CABLE COMPANIES.
TAKING THE SIDE OF A CABLE COMPANY?
THE ONLY THING LESS POPULAR WOULD BE IF THEY PASSED A BILL
ALLOWING TRAFFIC JAMS TO CALL YOU DURING DINNER TO GIVE YOU
GONORRHEA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"HONEY, IT'S FOR YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, NO ONE COULD THINK THIS IS
A GOOD IDEA EXCEPT REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE AND REALTOR WHO
ISN'T TELLING YOU THAT THIS CONDO WAS BUILT ON AN ANCIENT
INDIAN BURIAL GROUND, MARSHA BLACKBURN.
>> CONSUMER PRIVACY IS SOMETHING WE ALL WANT TO PROTECT, AND
CONSUMER PRIVACY WILL CONTINUE TO BE PROTECTED AND WILL
ACTUALLY BE ENHANCED BY REMOVING THE UNCERTAINTY AND CONFUSION
THESE RULES WILL CREATE.
>> Stephen: I KNOW WHAT'S IN HER SEARCH HISTORY, ""HOW TO
SPOUT (BLEEP)."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IF
EVEN WORSE, THIS NEW LAW SAYS INTERNET PROVIDERS NO LONGER
HAVE TO PROTECT CUSTOMER INFORMATION AGAINST HACKERS AND
THIEVES.
OKAY, THAT'S LIKE A HOTEL SAYING, "YOU CAN STAY HERE, BUT
HEADS UP-- WE DON'T LOCK THE DOORS.
ALSO, WE SELL VIDEOS OF YOU MASTURBATING.
WANT TO BUY ONE?
WE'LL CALL IT 'ENTERTAINMENT PARTNERS' ON YOUR BILL."
FRANKLY, I FEEL SORRY FOR WHO ACTUALLY GETS TO LOOK AT
AMERICA'S SEARCH HISTORY.
SOMEONE AT A CABLE COMPANY-- SOMEBODY AT COMCAST RIGHT NOW
THERE'S A COMCAST EMPLOYEE WHOSE JOB IT IS TO LOOK AT AMERICA'S
SEARCH HISTORY.
AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME FOOTANG OF THAT NOW.
BUT AT LEAST-- HE'S FINE!
YEAH.
REALLY EXFOLIATING.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT AT LEAST CONGRESS DID
SOMETHING.
THAT'S REFRESHING.
IT'S BEEN LESS THAN A WEEK SINCE THE REPUBLICANS' FLAMING FAILURE
ON HEALTH CARE.
THEY JUST COULDN'T GET PARTY UNITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MODERATES-- YEAH.
MODERATES WANTED TO KEEP POPULAR STUFF LIKE MATERNITY COVERAGE,
WHILE THE FAR RIGHT WANTED TO GIVE WOMEN IN LABOR A BITE STICK
AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW-- WE THOUGHT IT WAS
OVER.
BUT NOW CNN IS REPORTING THAT REPUBLICANS ARE WORKING ON
A PLAN "B."
WE DON'T KNOW THE DETAILS, BUT I'M BETTING IT WON'T COVER "PLAN
B."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.
THEY SAY IT'S GOING TO BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT THIS TIME.
TOTALLY-- TOTALLY DIFFERENT THIS TIME.
BECAUSE-- THIS IS WHAT WE FOUND OUT-- WHEN THEY WERE
PLANNING THE FIRST BILL, THEIR "ONE-HOUR WEEKLY MEETINGS
WEREN'T ENOUGH TIME TO WORK THROUGH THE STICKING POINTS."
ONE HOUR A WEEK!
DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A LOT, BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU HAVEN'T READ
PAUL RYAN'S BOOK, ""60-MINUTE ABS AND TOTAL OVERHAUL OF HEALTH
CARE."
JACKED.
HE'S HUGE.
>> Jon: I SEE YOU'VE BEEN WORKING OUT.
>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE SAY THIS IS GOING TO BE JUST AS HARD
AS THE FIRST TIME.
BUT I HAVE TO SAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS VERY CONFIDENT.
>> I KNOW THAT WE'RE ALL GOING TO MAKE A DEAL ON HEALTH CARE.
THAT'S SUCH AN EASY ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHEN HE SAYS STUFF
LIKE THAT, IT WORRIES ME.
( LAUGHTER ) FIVE DAYS AGO, JUST FIVE DAYS
AGO, THE REPUBLICAN PARTY EXPLODED IN A MIDST OF
BLOOD AND BONE FRAGMENTS.
DOES TRUMP NOT REMEMBER WHEN HE JUST SAID THIS:
>> NOBODY KNEW THAT HEALTH CARE COULD BE SO COMPLICATED.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: AND NOW...
>> THAT'S SUCH AN EASY ONE.
>> Stephen: HE HAS THE MEMORY OF A GOLDFISH.
( LAUGHTER ) MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE'S THE EXACT
SAME COLOR!