THE MORE I LEARN ABOUT NUCLEAR WEAPONS, THE LESS I WANT TO DIE
IN AN ATOMIC BLAST. I STILL WANT TO DIE IN ONE, BUT LESS
NOW.
AND IT GOT ME WONDERING, IS IT ACTUALLY POSSIBLE TO SURVIVE
ONE?
LET'S FIND OUT IN A SEGMENT WE CALL THE SMALL CHANCE YOU'LL
ACTUALLY LIVE THROUGH A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION AND HAVE TO GO ON
LIVING YOUR MISERABLE LIFE IN AN ALREADY MISERABLE WASTELAND FILLED
WITH NOTHING BUT UNIMAGINABLE HORRORS.
THE SMALL CHANCE YOU'LL LIVE THROUGH IT IS A BIT WORDY.
IN EARLY DAYS OF THE COLD WAR, THE GOVERNMENT PUT OUT VIDEOS
WITH FRIENDLY ADVICE SURVIVING A NUKE, LIKE THIS ONE FROM 1951.
♪ THERE WAS A TURTLE BY THE NAME OF BERT ♪
♪ AND BERT THE TURTLE WAS VERY ALERT ♪
♪ HE DID WHAT WE ALL MUST LEARN TO DO ♪
♪ DUCK AND COVER ♪ >> DUCK AND COVER.
THAT'S STUPID.
I'D JUST SHIT ME PANTS.
IT'S GOTTEN ME OUT OF QUITE A FEW SCRAPES IN THE PAST.
IF YOU SHIT YOUR PANGTS, PEOPLE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE.
PEOPLE WOULD SAY, DON'T GO IN THERE, HE SHIT HIS PANTS.
THAT'S ALSO HOW I GOT OUT OF JURY DUTY.
IF YOU'RE A COWARD AND YOU DON'T WANT TO SHIT YOUR PANTS, YOU CAN
STILL DUCK AND COVER.
I THINK THIS VIDEO DOWNPLAYS THE THREAT OF IT.
YOU.
>> KNOW HOW BAD SUNBURN FEELS?
THE ATOMIC BOMB FLASH COULD BURN YOU WORSE THAN A SUNBURN.
>> BEING BLOWN UP BY A NUKE IS LIKE SUNBURN.
YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES YOU GO TO THE BEACH AND YOU SIT OUT TOO
LONG AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER LOVED IS
DEAD?
IT'S JUST LIKE THAT?
EVEN TODAY, DUCK AND COVER IS STILL PRETTY MUCH THE BEST
ADVICE. >> AFTER AN EXPLOSION, THERE'S
GOING TO BE FALLOUT COMING DOWN, THE FALLOUT CAN BE INTENSELY
RADIOACTIVE.
IF YOU CAN GET INSIDE, THAT DISTANCE WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE.
>> COME ON DOWN.
>> WHY IS HE JUST LEADING ATTRACTIVE WOMEN INTO THE
BASEMENT?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> HE'S LIKE, FOLLOW ME.
NO, NOT YOU, YES, YOUR FRIEND CAN COME.
ONLY BLONDES.
AND DON'T ASK ME WHY -- NO FAT CHICKS, THEY TAKE UP TOO MUCH
SPACE.
AND YOU ALL HAVE TO SHAVE YOUR BUSHES.
SHAVE ALL OF THEM.
WE'LL NEED THEM FOR BLANKETS.
SCRATCHY, SCRATCHY BLANKETS.
FANCY FALLOUT SHELTERS COST AS MUCH AS $3 MILLION FOR A SPOT.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF CASH, THERE ARE A COUPLE LOW
BUDGET OPTIONS.
>> BRUCE DROPPED ALL 42 OF THE OLD SCHOOL BUSES INTO A MASSIVE
UNDERGROUND PIT.
IT INCLUDES A LIVING ROOM, KITCHEN CLASSROOMS AND WASH
ROOMS WITH WATER.
YOU COULDN'T ASK FOR ANYTHING ELSE.
>> EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR DEATH.
>> WHICH FRANKLY ISN'T A BAD OPTION.
WHEN IT COMES TO SURVIVING A NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE, PEOPLE HAVE
THE SAME QUESTIONS, WHAT AM WE EAT?
WHO WILL WE [ BLEEP ] AND THE ANSWERS THE TO BOTH THOSE
QUESTIONS THE SAME?
WHO THE [ BLEEP ] WANTS TO BE ALIVE AFTER THE NUCLEAR
APOC APOCALYPSE?
I HAVE NO INTEREST IN SURVIVING A NUCLEAR ATTACK.
IF FOR SOME REASON YOU DO, I MADE A NEW INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO
THAT HAS SOME ADVICE A LITTLE MORELL VAN THE TO TODAY'S WORLD.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE JIM JEFFRIES SHOW GUIDE TO SURVIVING
A NUCLEAR ATTACK.
MAKE SURE THE BUNKER IS FULLY STOCKED.
BE SURE TO COVER YOUR FOOD TO STOP THOSE PESKY RADIATION
CHUNKS.
THERE WON'T BE ANY WIFI AFTER THE BOMB DROPS.
BE SURE TO PRINT OFF ALL NUDES FROM YOUR PHONE SO YOU CAN
READING MATERIAL IN THE BUNKER DON'T FORGET YOUR MOST DISTANT
COUSIN WITH A FERTILE UTERUS.
INBREEDING IS NOT ONLY FUN, BUT INEVITABLE.
WHEN THE BOMB IS ON ITS WAY, MAKE SURE TO ENCOURAGE EVERYONE
IN YOUR WORKPLACE TO DUCK AND COVER.
THEN RUN TO YOUR CAR AND DRIVE AWAY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.
THE STREETS WILL BE EMPTY, BECAUSE EVERYONE IN TOWN IS
STUPID AND DUCKING AND COVERING.
SO GOOD LUCK IN A NUCLEAR WASTELAND, EVERYONE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OR MAYBE NOT.