Glory to the empire and to this video’s sponsor skillshare!
Hello everyone.
Today we are...
Wait!
What’s this?
Crappy CGI?
Oh no!
That can only mean that it must be time for a franchise reboot!
Now normally on Terrible Writing Advice, I tend to stick to “helping” amateur writers
and occasionally screenwriters.
However, this episode is aimed at a more exclusive clientele, namely rich media moguls looking
to exploit our ever shrinking pool of nostalgia.
Well them and the mistreated screenwriters who will have most of their script thrown
out and rewritten by the director.
Besides, this is future of storytelling because at this rate by the year 2030 we will hit
the reboot singularity.
So ready your nostalgia goggles as Terrible Writing Advice goes drilling for beloved franchises
to exploit.
Now the most important thing to remember when rebooting a franchise is that the highest
priority is not re-imagining this classic and beloved work for a modern audience so
that a new generation can hopefully experience the same feeling of awe and wonder that made
the original work so beloved, but to instead focus all energy on creating an expanded universe.
Marvel made bank and we want a slice of that multi-billion dollar pie.
Shared universes is where it’s at right now, even though Marvel is about the only
one to pull it off so far.
Now how can this be accomplished?
By starting small, telling a largely self contained story, and keeping the characters
and story engaging?
Why bother with the legwork when we can skip to the good stuff.
We want to increase the story’s scale without regards to the story’s scope.
The stakes have to be high for the trailer shots after all.
This means that we should start not with solid characterization or a believable plot, but
to instead dedicate most of our resources to teasing out a whole series of stories we
will never get to after the first bombs.
But what about the tone of our reboot?
Now conventional wisdom would suggested that matching the tone of the original is the best
bet.
However, others would suggest that altering the tone may be needed in order to better
gel with modern audiences.
They’re both wrong!
Audiences want dark and gritty!
See!
It’s just like the original, but pointlessly dark.
We will still spend a ton of money on that crappy CGI even though everything is so dark
you can’t see it.
Money well spent there.
Since I brought up CGI, be sure to use that over older special effects techniques because
audiences won’t believe it unless it looks like it came from the original Quake engine.
Don’t worry about capturing the original designs even if they had a clear theme.
Art direction is for children’s coloring books the same way themes are for eighth grade
book reports.
Speaking of themes, once we rip that out we might still have deal with the work’s original
social commentary, cultural perspective, historical context, and overall message.
This beating heart of the work should be ripped right out and tossed into the bin like the
garbage it is.
It will be replaced with fast paced action scenes and inane snarky dialog.
Did the original contain a scathing satire of 80s corporate culture, let’s just rip
that out and replace it with something more dumbed down...
I mean simplified for modern audiences.
I’ll just jam in a few buzz words I heard on the news and done!
See!
That’s just as good.
Oh no.
It looks like a bunch of nitpicky internet critics with zero ability to suspend their
disbelief have poked fun at the original work.
My reboot is the perfect way to address these pretentious critiques found in all of those
top 10 plothole lists that plague Google’s search results when I’m doing research for
these videos.
What a great use of precious run time and story space utilized to fix plotholes that
pretty much only Buzzfeed authors care about.
But what about elements of the original that would be considered problematic by a modern
audience?
That’s easy, you just push those tropes out a window and pretend they never happened.
End of story!
We need room for a fresh set of problematic tropes after all.
Now that we have flawlessly dealt with any and all problematic elements of the original,
it’s time to focus on the characters.
These are beloved icons of a classic so naturally the best move is turn them into barely recognizable
caricatures of the originals.
Be sure to have them spout the original’s catchphrases over and over again because that's
obviously why people liked them.
Another option is have the original characters sidelined so our new characters can steal
the spotlight.
See.
Reboots are nothing like fan fiction.
Oh wait, I got a better idea, let’s kill off the original characters in the most dumb,
mean spirited, and shocking way possible to make sure the audience knows that this time,
it’s darker and edgier.
An alternative is kill them off screen and mention it like once, or in the tie in comic.
Ah.
Tie in comics.
The only place where you can find the villain’s motives and make sense of the plot.
If all else fails, then the best bet is to simply completely ditch the original characters
and replace them with an all new cast of original characters in a whole new plot and setting.
That way we can do whatever we want, but still get the franchise’s name recognition.
I call this the Ship of Theseus solution.
Now all of this may seem like we are systematically destroying the original which is true.
I can’t be bothered with understanding the source material that should be held in contempt
by the entire production staff.
Will this anger the fans?
Of course and those angry fans will rant on their blogs and YouTube channels about how
we are ruining the franchise and thus generate free advertising.
Besides, smugly dismissing angry fans is what Twitter was made for, well that and permanently
crippling nuanced discourse.
If things get really bad we can always throw in some out of nowhere fan service.
Fan service is the lifeblood of reboots.
Not only is it excellent for trailer footage, but can be used to lull fans into a nostalgia
induced stupor that will shut down their critical thinking.
The best thing about fan service is that the fans can’t complain, because it’s what
they said they wanted.
What a great way to deflect from running that plotline into the ground.
However, what if fans and general audiences just don’t want a reboot, but instead wish
to see the franchise take new and interesting directions as well as witness the evolution
of the setting and characters.
Well we can’t have that.
That would require not only more thought, planning, and work, but might upset the money
making status quo.
Why take a gamble on a sequel when we can just redo the first story and call it a sequel.
Yes people will see through this, but by that point we will already have their money.
If expectations for a sequel is too high then we can always just do a reboot and call it
a prequel instead.
We will have to badly mangle the original story to make in fit as a prequel, but that’s
okay.
Just be sure to the wreck the continuity in the process.
If fans get upset then just say that its an ‘alternate timeline’.
If the franchise’s continuity gets too snarled then we can always do a time travel story
to reset it.
We can also use our prequel disguised reboot to the explore the origin of a character who
didn’t need an origin story to begin with, but hey here’s the thing no one asked for.
Well, I supposed the marketing department did.
Another very good option is to use our reboot to mash several stories worth of plots into
one gargantuan disaster... uh...
I mean story arc.
We can also just steal all of the best lines from the original and stuff them in at random
points no matter how little sense that makes.
All of those parts of the original franchise were good so if we just make our reboot nothing
but those then the story will surely also be good no matter how much context we have
to murder in the process.
That’s what people want, a multi-million dollar clip show.
But other than that, we want the audience to settle in, feel comfortable, and let their
guard down hoping to enjoy a new iteration of a loved story, then BAM!
A love triangle!
Ha!
Did you think the reboot wouldn’t take the opportunity to shove a dumb romance plot in
there somewhere even if the original escaped it?
Now if everything has gone according to my guide, the reboot should make as much money
as it is bland, and it should be very bland.
Yes as art it will be utterly forgettable, but that’s a feature.
Because we’re just going to reboot it again in a few years.
EMPEROR: Barron.
I’m counting on you to handle this video’s sponsor, Skillshare.
BARON: Don’t worry, my emperor.
We will handle the sponsor much better than House Good Guys.
House Bad Guys will ensure that the Sponsors must flow.
The premium membership that unlocks access of over thousands of classes is safe in our
hands.
All for the good of the Empire.
BARON: But mostly us.
For he who controls the sponsors controls the TWA universe.
And with it we will destroy our enemies at House Good guys and... who in the name of
my favorite back stabbing dagger are you?
KNIGHT COMMANDER: We are the knights of artistic integrit...
BARON: Listen, if this about those messengers as I’ve said before, if they don’t want
to get shot then they shouldn’t deliver me bad news.
KNIGHT COMMANDER: No.
Not that.
The Empire has chosen to escalate this conflict.
Therefor we have no choice, but to gather our forces, raise the banners, march forwards,
and issue you a stern warning.
BARON: Very well.
I promise not to exploit this video’s sponsor for my own mysterious ends.
KNIGHT: Wait.
You are House Bad Guys.
For some reason I don’t want to trust you.
BARON: I see my PR endearment has outlived their usefulness.
KNIGHT: You force my hand.
I now have no choice, but to issue you a second stern warning.
BARON: Very well!
We shall settle this like true men!
With thinly veiled low key put downs.
BARON: Nice armor.
Shame about the color scheme though.
KNIGHT: My armor’s as shiny as your head.
BARON: True, but I have no need to hide my shortcomings behind armor.
KNIGHT: Hard to hide being short.
BARON: Nice museum piece of sword.
Is that where you get your accent from too?
KNIGHT: You’re just jealous of my perfect hair forever.
Why would I be jealous?
I just finished a class on Low Budget Filmmaking – Tips and Tricks for an Indie Look which I’m using for my upcoming documentary: House Bad Guys; Why You Should Totally Trust Us.
KNIGHT: Might want to take a class on re-branding while you’re at it, maybe get renamed to House Okay Guys.
BARON: Well it’s a good thing you can’t stop me from telling TWA fans that they can
get 2 months of skillshare for free by going to skl.sh/twa14 or click on the link in the
description below.
And after that it’s merely 10$ a month.
Even my minions can afford that.
KNIGHT: Those guys with the dumb helmets?
Minion breaks into tears.* MINION: He thinks my helmet is dumb...
BARON: Aw. Now look what you did.
You hurt that minion's feelings, you monster.
I didn't even know they had feelings?
Now I’ll have to kill him for being weak.