- Yeah, it's awesome,
and then I can hear, like... [muffled noises]
and then like a...
and a... [muffled noises]
[rhythmic muffled moaning]
And I'm like, "This'll fucking do, man!
Yeah!"
[motorcycle roaring]
[animalistic roar]
[dark electronic music]
♪
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,
and today the topic is crime.
[cheers and applause]
One of the original members of The Grawlix,
please give it up-- right down here beside us--
Mr. Ben Roy, everybody!
- So I had to go to my buddy's wedding,
and it's in Connecticut, 'cause that's where
all amazing divorces start, is in Connecticut,
and I end up at this--
they put me up, they put--because my buddy is not--
doesn't have a lot of money.
They put us all up at a fucking,
like, a Motel 6,
and yeah, it's bullshit.
It's the worst,
and there's no pornography at all.
For like five straight days, no pornography.
My wife says, "How does a Motel 6
not have pornography?"
How does a Hyatt Regency have--
you know what, if you have a hotel,
you should have porn
graded to the level of hotel you have.
Now, if you got a Hilton Garden Inn,
yeah, pipe it into the room through Pay-Per-View,
but if I'm at a Motel 6, there should be at least
like a rusty, little lockbox under the sink
that's filled with, like, Delia's catalog cutouts
that have been culled from the neighborhood kids
at the hillsides or something,
but there's fucking nothing,
and I'm drinking too much, on top.
Like, I'm just getting hammered the entire time,
and I'm just--I am a mess,
and I keep going out and getting drunk,
and then I come back and I'm jerking off
to everything I can find on TV.
I mean, I start with, like, exercise infomercials,
and then I just get more and more degrading,
like, as it goes, like,
then I start watching foreign channels,
'cause you know they'll show nudity,
but then I'll sit through a Spanish subtitled
fucking 6 1/2 hours of "Sense and Sensibility"
for one Kate Winslet nipple that never comes,
and so I'm just miserable.
Then I'm watching scrambled channels
thinking it's pornography, and it's never porn.
You're like--you're like, "That's a clit.
That's a clitoris right there."
and then the screen straightens
and you've just been jerking off
to a very robust cartoon bear nose
or something like that.
So I'm, like, just getting real depraved with it
and I--and I come back one night
and I'm real low and drunk,
and it's cold, and wet, and I'm in my jacket,
and I sit on the edge of the bed,
and I hear the holy grail
of all things in that moment
which is that the couple in the room behind me
are going the fuck at it.
That is--that's fucking gold, right?
That's the--that's as good as pornography right there.
Like, and it's aggressive.
Like, I can hear it just muffled.
Like, I can hear, like...
[muffled noises]
And I can--yeah, it's awesome,
and then I can hear, like... [muffled noises]
and then like a... and a... [muffled noises]
[rhythmic muffled moans]
and I'm like, "This'll fucking do, man!
Yeah!"
I'm like, "Dude, I can do this."
So I get, like, real fevered.
I start--I just pull my pants off complete--
my underwear, but I leave my jacket on.
I'm real excited about all of it,
and I don't take my shoes off.
It gives me traction
'cause I can push back into the bed, right?
And then I widen my legs out real wide,
bud, all right, get them real wide
for better sexual reception, right?
So it acts like a satellite dish and just--
I sit there, and I'm pumped now.
I'm real hard, and then I decide
I'm just gonna start,
and I start with a slow, honeymoon jerk
because I don't want to go too quick.
I want to savor it, right?
So I start with just a slow top to bottom
but I'm already into it,
and so I just--I start going.
I'm ice chiseling.
I'm really getting into it, right?
I'm carving myself out of ice right now.
Like, I'm really going to town like I'm one of those
old cigarette machines that just ate all of my quarters.
I'm really just...
[violent grumbling] Come on!
You know what I mean,
and I'm just, I'm going,
and then after a minute it's not doing it.
This isn't doing it.
It's not enough,
as it is with most dudes.
So I decide that I bet
that if I get up on the bed
and I press my ear to the wall,
now I can hear details.
So with my boots-- my shoes still on,
still in my jacket, I get up on the bed
and I put my foot up on the--
the headrest, and I lean my ear
against the wall,
and I can hear it clear as day,
and I'm laying real still
to not pull my ear off the wall, right?
And now I'm jerking it like this.
I looked like the most disconcerting
little army green man in the package.
Like, one that shouldn't have been made.
Real controversial, right?
So now I'm going to town,
and I'm really going at it,
and I'm like, "Oh, yeah, this is so fucking good."
[moaning] Oh, oh, oh, oh, God.
Oh, God.
And then I realize
these two aren't having sex.
This guy...
is beating the shit out of this woman.
[scattered laughter]
Fuck you!
Fuck--I'm not condoning domestic violence.
I'm masturbating to it,
and those are two fucking totally different things.
Every guy will tell you that we masturbate
to shit we don't condone all the time,
and I know this isn't right.
I'm aware of that,
but I'm fucked here
because what do I do?
Seems like an easy decision
with your rose-covered
hindsight glasses on, doesn't it?
But I'm in a bad situation
because if I don't come,
okay, if I stop right now, okay,
then I got to go to a wedding tomorrow morning
in terror alert red, okay?
There's requisite couples dancing.
There's polyester pants.
I'm bound to get an erection with my buddy's mom
and there's no way to hide that at all.
You ever try to hide an erection?
Every detail comes out in polyester.
It looks like Han Solo frozen in carbonite, okay?
So I'm fucked,
but then if I don't stop-- and my grandmother was right,
and someone's really gonna get hurt by my masturbation.
So here's what I decide.
It's late at night, and I realize
that there are always, like, there's never anybody
at the front desk at these hotels, right?
I bet that I can pick up the phone,
press it to my ear, finish the job, right,
before she picks up,
effectively killing two gooey birds
with one stone, right?
So here's what I do.
I pick up the phone.
I press it to my ear.
I hit zero.
I start going, and I'm going--
she picks up like that, immediately,
and I'm the middle of coming, and all I can get out is...
[breathy] "There's trouble in 318."
[laughter and applause]
[moaning]
Oh, shit.
Now, any guy will tell you
that the minute you come,
you are thrust back
into the full weight
of whatever situation you're in
because come is just fantasy
condensed down to a liquid format,
and then you heave it from your body.
So instantly I was like...
"What the fuck am I doing?
Holy shit."
Oh--and all kinds of weird stuff
starts going through your head in that moment.
Like, you think weird things.
Like I was like, "I hope that
Truman Show shit isn't real."
Holy--we just lost a bunch of sponsors tonight,
I can tell you that much.
So that night they, like,
they, like, knocked on my door.
I didn't answer.
The cops did, after they broke it up
and they split them apart and everything,
and, uh, in the morning, uh, the day--
I went through the lobby, and, uh, the manager was there
and he's like, "I'd like to thank you
"for calling the police.
We'd like to comp your room."
[chuckles]
And I said yeah.
I did.
I took it,
but really what I wanted to say was,
"No.
"No, you charge me twice...
"Once for me and...
once for the part of myself I left in that room."
You guys are awesome. Thanks.
My name's Ben Roy. Have a great night.