- Hey, everybody.
Today, I wanna talk about childhood emotional neglect
and focus in on the subtle signs we experience in adulthood
that we may be surprised to learn
can be symptoms of childhood emotional neglect.
Let's start with a recap on childhood emotional neglect.
I've done a bunch of videos on this that I'll link below
if you wanna dive more fully into it.
But for a quick recap, CEN, or childhood emotional neglect,
is where a child's emotional needs
are not met by their caregivers,
leading to a lack of attachment and emotional development.
Now, this neglect may involve
ignoring a child's emotional distress,
like if they cry, we don't come to them,
or failing to provide comfort or support,
or possibly not responding to any emotional cues,
like when a child reaches for you, or (groans),
the parent doesn't do anything.
The effects of childhood emotional neglect
can last well into adulthood,
affecting our relationships, our self-esteem,
and overall mental health.
Now, a little disclaimer here.
I am not trying to shame or blame parents for our issues.
Many children can experience
the symptoms of childhood emotional neglect
because a parent had a chronic illness, a mental illness,
or because they suffered an intense loss
and couldn't show up like they may have wanted to.
Or maybe our parents neglected us out of selfishness,
but maybe they truly just encountered
a really impossible season in their own life.
Understanding childhood emotional neglect
is not about having someone to blame,
it's about understanding what's going on in our life
so we can take responsibility for caring for ourselves.
Many of us may be able to spot
the really obvious signs of this,
like when we panic because our spouse hasn't texted us back,
or all of a sudden we feel like we're gonna be abandoned
and start thinking about leaving them first, right,
so they don't leave us, we get out first.
But sometimes, it presents a little more subtly.
For example, number one is emotional numbness.
When we've experienced CEN,
we can feel like we are unable to feel emotions,
complete disconnection,
or have trouble expressing them at all to other people.
Now, of course, in our society, unfortunately,
sometimes people who struggle with this
are praised for their emotional numbness.
People can call it health to not feel so much.
But a quick assessment that I encourage everyone to do
is to check that you're feeling your full range of emotions.
Let's take a minute.
Do you get angry sometimes?
I know, I don't like anger either, but we feel it, right?
Do you feel sad sometimes and allow yourself to feel it?
Are you afraid or happy sometimes?
We wanna make sure that we're able to feel
all of these emotions appropriately and often.
If we tend not to respond to our life experiences, right,
there's no emotional response at all,
it might be because our feelings have gone underground
because we didn't learn how to accept them as children
so it was just safer to stuff them
and forget that they exist altogether.
Subtle sign number two, we can have low self-esteem.
Childhood emotional neglect
can lead to feelings of worthlessness,
which can manifest itself as low self-esteem
and a negative self-image.
When our emotional needs aren't met when we're little,
we can believe that we don't have a right to take up space,
or be seen and heard, or that we're unimportant.
Every time we reach out for love and support,
we aren't met with it,
and we can start to believe
that something must be wrong with us, right?
Hello, shame.
Which can lead to negative self-talk and low self-esteem.
Subtle sign number three, we pick the wrong people.
So whenever I hear someone say something like,
"All men are emotionally unavailable,"
or, "No one's ever attracted to me,"
or, "I always just end up in these terrible relationships,"
it's like a little light goes on,
or maybe a little red flag goes up,
because maybe it's not all about other people.
Maybe we've had a few rough experiences
or things that happened in childhood we haven't healed from.
Maybe it's not all about them, maybe it's us.
I mean, it could also be a sign
that we pick the wrong people,
but there's a reason behind that.
Maybe we had an emotionally unavailable parent,
and even though we may want a partner who shows up
and is vulnerable and loving and kind to us,
our brain can feel safer with what we know,
which could be someone who's a little distant
or emotionally unavailable,
so we tend to pick partners and friends
who make us feel safe versus actually being safe.
And maybe we don't even feel fully comfortable
with emotional vulnerability,
so subconsciously, we sabotage our relationships
or friendships with healthy people before they even happen
because something just feels off to us.
Like, we can't even put our finger on it
but I just don't really like them, ugh, ugh.
So we can find ourselves picking fights,
looking for small things we don't like.
I always think of Seinfeld when I talk about that
because you know how he's so particular
about every little thing
and would like hone in on the smallest tidbit and be like,
"I don't like this girl anymore"?
So that might be us.
Or it might not be as kind or helpful,
or even act in passive aggressive ways to get them,
you know, to leave us.
Or, you know, think about low self-esteem.
If we have that as a result of our emotional neglect,
this can cause us to feel uncomfortable with someone
who is attracted and interested in us.
We might get the icks when someone moves towards us
because subconsciously we're thinking,
"Why would they be interested in me?
Like, what's wrong with them," right?
The next subtle sign is impulsivity.
Now, those of us who've experienced
childhood emotional neglect
can engage in impulsive behavior such as overeating,
drug or alcohol abuse, engaging in unsafe sex,
or other dangerous activities.
As children, we all have impulse control issues.
You've been around kids, right?
They don't have any impulse control.
They want, they do, they run, they jump.
It's just, it can feel very chaotic.
But what's supposed to happen is our parents or caregivers
should step in and set boundaries for us
and then help us learn how to navigate
and kind of manage our impulses
and develop a sense of self-control.
Now, this can come in the form
of teaching us how to be patient
or how to express our emotions around what's coming up
when we can't do that thing right away.
And when this doesn't happen in a healthy way,
our impulse management system
can still be operated (giggling)
by our inner child.
And I only giggle because even when I was like writing this
and researching this,
I imagined like a little kid having all these controls,
you know, and like on the inside of us,
like running the show.
And so we, as adult us, can feel like we have no control,
and we can even find ourselves saying things out loud,
like, "I just can't control myself around men,"
or, "I just can't control myself around pizza,"
or whatever it is.
And sometimes an indicator,
or sometimes that is an indicator that part of our brain
is stuck in that childlike way of thinking
and may not have fully learned
how to develop and manage our urges.
What we need to do in order to work on this
is we need to reparent that part of ourselves, right,
that child that's running the show inside,
learning that there is an adult present.
We are that, right? It's within ourselves.
And this adult can help us learn
how to handle our desires and impulses
in a very adult manner.
The next subtle sign is that we have a difficult time
regulating our emotions.
Those of us who've experienced childhood emotional neglect
may have trouble managing our emotions,
leading to outbursts or constant mood swings.
Emotion regulation is not something
we come out of the womb knowing how to do.
I know, it's unfortunate,
but we have to be taught through life from our parents
how to accept our emotions, I mean, identify them,
and then learn how to tolerate them.
I know, it's icky, but it's important.
And then finally, what do we do with those emotions?
And if our parent or parents aren't there for us emotionally
in the way that we need,
it's gonna be hard for us to think
that how we feel is valuable, important,
and worth learning about.
Instead, we can think how we feel is wrong, shameful,
or to be ignored,
which can make it hard for us to identify and regulate them
as we get older.
And there are a million reasons
why we may not have learned this
in a healthy way growing up,
like our parents may have not not been taught
by their own caregivers
how to regulate their own emotions, right?
Think about your grandparents.
How good are they at it? Maybe not that great.
But if they were not able,
whether intentionally or unintentionally,
to show up for us in our feelings,
then it's likely we're gonna have to do some work as adults
to learn tools and resources for healthy engagement
and even identification of our emotions.
The next subtle sign is perfectionism.
I know, but those of us who've experienced
childhood emotional neglect
may feel an intense need or pull to be perfect,
which can result in a constant state of stress and anxiety.
Perfectionism can play out as trying to be perfect,
or, and this is important, listen up,
it might play out in not trying something at all.
Checking out, procrastinating, dialing things in:
these can all be symptoms of perfectionism.
Which if you really think about perfectionism,
it's essentially all or nothing thinking, black or white.
"If I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all."
And it can be a surprising symptom
of childhood emotional neglect.
Our brains may think that in order to secure worth
and be safe,
we have to do everything perfectly.
So we strive every day to do things just the right way
in the hopes that then and only then will we feel valued,
loved, and worthy of care.
Another subtle sign
is having a difficult time making decisions.
Those of us who've experienced childhood emotional neglect
may struggle to make decisions
and feel like we're always seeking validation from others.
And there are a couple reasons for this.
Number one, when we don't learn
how to regulate our emotions well,
we can have a hard time getting the information
we need from them to make healthy decisions.
Either our emotions feel way out of control,
or we don't trust them, or possibly both.
And either way, we are no longer in tune with them
as a source of information.
Because of that,
we might have had some bad decisions in our lives,
or trusted others to make them for us.
And now we don't trust ourselves to make any decisions ever.
Or second, maybe we just have a fractured sense
of internal trust.
Just think about that, what that means,
a fractured sense of internal trust.
Part of the way that we learn to trust ourselves
is through our parents or caregivers.
They reflect back to us that we are safe and capable.
And when that gets distorted
or we aren't getting any feedback from them,
we might feel like we're unable to make decisions,
like we can't trust our gut
because we don't even know how to tap into it.
And when we have, we've been told that's wrong.
It can be so confusing.
Those are just a few of the subtle symptoms
that may indicate you've experienced
childhood emotional neglect.
And if you recognized any of these signs within yourself,
it's okay, it can get better.
It might be be helpful for you to seek the support
of a licensed therapist,
or benefit from inner child work.
And I have a workshop that I offer on my website
all about inner child work,
so that's a great place to start.
But remember, the point of learning all of this
is not to blame our parents
but to take responsibility for our own healing.
They can't do it for us.
We can't control other people, remember.
And there are ways that you can offer healthy parenting
to yourself and your inner child.
We are not responsible for the choices our parents made,
but we are responsible for the choices
that we're going to make right now,
and how we want to parent ourselves.
I hope you found this hopeful.
Feel free to share any other thoughts
or indicators that you have in the comments down below.
Have a wonderful week, and I will see you next time.