-Hello, everyone, and welcome to "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
Well, guys, I want to say congrats to
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on winning Super Bowl LV.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What a weekend for the people of Tampa.
48 hours of nonstop drinking and partying in the streets
and then the Super Bowl.
Yeah, they partied hard in Tampa.
One girl was so drunk,
she made out with the Vince Lombardi hologram.
That's right -- Tampa Bay blew out the Kansas City Chiefs.
The final score was Chiefs 9, Bucs 31,
Paramount+ commercials 12,000.
Yeah, the game was over pretty early.
For the people of Tampa, that was a great night.
For the rest of the country,
it was a ZzzQuil injection.
Yep, it wasn't the most suspenseful game.
The most exciting part of the night was Bruce Springsteen
wandering around a town in Kansas.
At a certain point, even Buccaneers fans were like,
"Just end the game so we can get to Queen Latifah.
Come on. That show looks good.
It's a good show, by the way. -Yeah.
-Seriously, the game was such a dud,
I watched it from home
and I still left early to beat traffic.
But the big story, of course, is that Tom Brady
won his seventh championship and fifth Super Bowl MVP.
Can we see Tom Brady after the game?
Yeah. He just played four hours of football
and he looks like he's about to go to a wedding.
Yeah, Brady has cemented his place on
the sports Mount Rushmore,
alongside Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali,
and that fan who took a home-run ball
to the chest to save his beers.
That guy's a Bud Light legend right there.
That was like, "Oof!"
Meanwhile, last night's game was
tough to watch for Patriots fans.
Right now, there are 2-year-olds in Boston going,
"When will this championship drought end?"
Yep, today in Boston, fans are happy for Brady,
but sad that he left the Patriots,
which probably explains Sam Adams' new beer,
Sam Adams Bittahsweet Teahhs.
Bittahsweet Teahhs.
Of course, Tom Brady's longtime teammate Rob Gronkowski
also had a great game, scoring the first two touchdowns
and winning his fourth Super Bowl.
Yep, "Gronk" scored two touchdowns in the first half.
He would have had more, but he spent the whole second half
stuck in The Weeknd's house of mirrors.
Yeah, a lot of people were talking about
The Weeknd's halftime performance.
In case you missed it, grab a Dramamine and enjoy.
-♪ She told me, "Don't worry about it" ♪
♪ She told me to worry no more ♪ -Okay. Okay.
Well, if anyone's missed the feeling of
being drunk on a cruise,
this was a nice walk down memory lane.
Yep, The Weeknd performed inside a gold house of mirrors.
You know, I've never been to Mar-a-Lago, but...
Meanwhile, I read that over 16 million Americans were
expected to miss work today because of the Super Bowl.
16 million. Tariq, do you believe that?
-Ha ha ha! That's crazy.
-Tariq, something different about you today?
-Ha ha ha! That's crazy.
-Maybe you went a little hard watching the game last night?
-Ha ha ha! That's crazy.
-Or maybe you got this giant cutout of yourself
and just pre-recorded yourself saying something vague,
like "Ha ha ha, that's crazy" and skipped work today.
-Ha ha ha! That's crazy.
-Alright, let's just move on.
Well, before kickoff, President Biden
was interviewed on CBS, and he talked about how
he used to dream about playing in the NFL.
But the position he mentioned sounded a little dated.
Watch this.
-So, many people may not know that you were once
a pretty good receiver yourself back in the day.
-I had wild dreams. It wasn't to be president.
I thought I could be a flanker back in the NFL.
[ Laughter ]
-Huh?
Flanker back?
Kind of crazy that our new president
is older than the forward pass.
Isn't that wild?
Even the Vince Lombardi hologram was like, "How old is this guy?"
Biden was like, "Just like every kid,
I wanted to be a flanker back for the NFL's top team,
the Delaware Dirt Devils,
under coach Peppy Lagraine.
He had one arm and three nipples."
Get this.
I heard that, in Russia, they're offering free ice cream
as an incentive to get a COVID-19 vaccine.
Yeah, that's what everyone in Russia wants in February --
ice cream.
Putin even came up with a catchy jingle for it.
[ Russian accent ] "I scream, you scream, we all scream
'cause I poison your underpants."
[ Normal voice ] "What did you say?"
Well, this is fun.
Serving the ice cream is the Russian version
of Ben and Jerry, Bogdan and Yuri.
Officials were like, "It's fresh.
It comes from milk of bears."
Some TV news.
Well, guys, after being named in a multi-billion-dollar lawsuit
for spreading false claims of election fraud,
Fox Business has canceled "Lou Dobbs Tonight."
You know, there's a clip that we like to show sometimes
where Lou Dobbs mispronounces the name of a Mexican town.
Here, take a look.
-The caravan of mostly Central American immigrants
is now in the Mexican City of "Wa-kla-da."
-Yeah.
That's right.
Well, out of respect, we will no longer
show that clip on "The Tonight Show."
We're retiring it.
But just in case you forgot which clip I'm talking about,
here it is one more time.
-...the Mexican City of "Wa-kla-da."
-To clarify, we will not show
this clip on our show anymore.
-..."Wa-kla-da."
-That's right -- we will never show that clip again.
That clip being...
-...the Mexican City of "Wa-kla-da."
-Farewell, Lou Dobbs. We hardly knew ye.
And, finally, I heard about a Massachusetts man
who got some interesting news at the hospital.
Listen to this.
-A Massachusetts man who suddenly woke up
struggling to breathe was stunned when doctors told him
he had swallowed one of his AirPods in his sleep.
-He only realized it when his stomach
started singing "Drivers License."
He also had a tough time hearing
'cause of the two Tic Tacs shoved in his ears.
We have a great show.