- Thank you so much, it's so good to be here.
Oh my gosh, happy Virgo season.
(audience cheering)
- Boo.
- Yeah.
(audience laughing)
That was a test.
Now I know where my enemies are, got your ass.
(audience laughing)
Got your ass.
I'm with you.
(audience laughing)
I've been dabbling in astrology a bit lately
because I'm not well and
(audience laughing)
I am unfortunately a Gemini.
(audience cheering)
Also known as a two faced bitch
(audience laughing)
according to my birth chart and
some other people, but
(audience laughing)
what I like about astrology is that it sort of
lets you surrender to something bigger than yourself,
you know, a higher power,
it's like religion in that way, right?
You know, it reminds you, you're not in charge of everything
and frankly not everything is your fault, okay.
(audience laughing)
For example, I know that the reason
I can't really date anyone for more than three months
has nothing to do with commitment issues,
(audience laughing)
it's because I'm an air sign, you know,
(audience laughing)
I don't have a fear of intimacy,
I had an eclipse on my birthday, do you understand like?
(audience cheering)
I'm sorry my parents did it on a crisp fall day
and now this is my personality.
Take it up with the sky, take it up with the sky.
(audience laughing)
I, no, I like, I do like astrology.
I just think it's best paired with some therapy on the side.
(audience laughing)
I am in therapy, anybody else in
(audience cheering)
pain?
Okay, good, I,
(audience laughing)
I've been in therapy for a few years now
and I'll be honest, I was really scared to start.
You know, I was skeptical,
I don't come from a therapy family.
We did not grow up talking about our emotions in my house.
Okay, I am the product of a religious immigrant
and a real salt of the earth mid-westerner, you know.
Those are two very different people
who both happened to think therapy is witchcraft.
(audience laughing)
They don't get it, they don't get it.
My very Christian Chinese mom will say things to me like
why would you pay a stranger to listen to your problems?
When the Lord's been listening for free this whole time.
(audience laughing)
And then my German, Irish dad from Ohio will say things like
when I'm sad, I walk into the forest
(audience laughing)
and I don't come out till I feel better, so,
(audience laughing)
we just hope he returns soon.
It's been weeks and we miss him a lot.
(audience laughing)
I miss my dad.
I can't help, but notice
there's a lot of cuties here tonight.
A lot of cuties, yeah.
I feel like this is just a good time
to let you all know that I am by
(audience cheering)
myself, I'm by myself, I'm single.
(audience laughing)
I'm very single.
I was pretty much riding solo throughout quarantine.
Any other decorated war heroes
(audience cheering)
among us?
Gorgeous, yeah.
I'm trying to get back out there,
date a little bit, you know,
I'm glad the world is opening back up again
because personally I found the pandemic to be pretty tough.
That's something just sort of unique
and interesting about me.
(audience laughing)
So I will say though now that I'm leaving my apartment
a lot more often,
I have been locking myself out a lot lately
and I'm sorry, but is anyone else furious
we still do physical keys, right?
We're all just carrying little pieces of scrap metal on us
at all times to sleep in our own beds at night.
(audience laughing)
It's 2021, we can unlock our phones with our faces,
but we're still fucking around
with before Christ door technology, that's insane.
We should riot, that's
(sighing)
God.
I locked myself out recently
and I was standing in my hallway, like an idiot
waiting for my landlord to come back and let me in.
And literally four feet away is my living room
where I have an Amazon Echo, all right.
I have an evil little machine I can talk to for answers
(audience laughing)
and in that moment through the wall, I was able to be like,
Alexa, what's Zoe Kravitz birth sign?
But I couldn't get into my own God damn home.
(audience laughing)
She's a Sag, by the way.
(audience laughing)
She's a Sag,
I have been celebrating the return of gossip
in all of our lives.
(audience cheering)
Right, yes, absolutely, absolutely.
You know, we were deprived of it for a good year and a half
and now it's coming back hot.
It's back, baby.
Clap it up if you also love some gossip.
(audience cheering)
Thank you, thank you.
(audience applauding)
All of you who did not clap or lying to yourselves
and everyone around you.
(audience laughing)
It's true, you love it.
It's not, listen, we all like gossip, who doesn't,
people talking to people about people,
what's not to love?
(audience laughing)
I think gossip is natural.
I think gossip is healthy.
I think gossip is self care.
Okay, that was toxic.
(audience laughing)
Toxic Gemini behavior, but
no, it's true, I think, you know,
people have been gossiping since the beginning of time,
they really have.
And I feel like there's this weird sexist idea
that only women like to gossip
as if conspiracy theories
(audience laughing)
aren't just gossip delivered confidently as fact.
(audience laughing)
It's the same thing, it's the exact same.
The only difference between conspiracy theories and gossip
is how you say it, right?
A conspiracy theorist will say something like,
Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of new born babies.
Yeah, I was there.
I saw it with my own eyes.
No he wasn't.
(audience laughing)
But a drunk gossipy woman will be like,
(audience laughing)
well, I heard from Sasha who heard from Terry
that Hillary may be throwing back
a bit of the baby blood these days,
but you didn't hear from me, you didn't hear from me.
She names her sources.
(audience laughing)
She gives credit where credit's due.
(audience laughing)
It's just a good journalist.
(audience laughing)
You know who I think must have been
the biggest gossips of all time,
famous historical military leaders.
Yeah.
Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Alexander the Great, you know,
you gotta be in other people's business
to brutally build an empire, okay.
You do, think about it,
really all those guys did all day was be like,
what are those boys doing over there?
Let's find out.
(audience laughing)
You have news from the mountain, give it to me, you know.
(audience applauding)
Listen, I just think that if another grown man
has ever galloped up to you on horse back
(audience laughing)
with a secret message,
you're a nosy bitch who lives from drama.
That's all I'm saying,
that's all I'm saying.