[playful music]
- Oh, I see it. Mm-mhm.
- Uh, what's up?
- Imagine all these toys are pieces of sushi.
And Pete is a beautiful naked...woman.
- And why am I doing this?
- Must everything have a reason?
- We're just killing time.
We can't go home until the place clears out, so...
- [screams]
I know you're really a human!
- So are you, you turd,
but no one's trying to rip your head off.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.
- Ugh. I thought you'd be cooler.
Put the head back on.
- Hey, little bud, is your mom or dad here?
- Or your parole officer?
- I'm flying solo. My mom dropped me off.
- Not surprising.
Mom's probably in Planned Parenthood,
trying to get a refund. - Ian!
Look, you're our last customer,
and we're hoping to go home early,
but we can't until you leave.
Do you, uh, wanna give your momma a call?
- Not until Pork E. dances for me.
Dance, rodent, dance!
- Ian, just dance so we can go home.
- [sighs]
[humming silly song] Pork E. Pine.
There. Now call your stupid mom.
[cell phone dialing]
- Why is my mom's number in your phone?
- Nesha Patel?
Oh, we went to high school with her, remember, Ian?
- Of course I remember her. She was my first--
- First what?
- My...first...lab partner in biology class.
- Wait, she was my first... lab partner too.
- You never told me you...partnered with Nesha.
- Oh, yeah, we did lots of ex...periments while listening
to the "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" soundtrack.
- We're talking about sex, right?
- We really got to work on our metaphors.
- Ugh. You guys both had sex with my mom?
- Not at the same time.
- Yeah, and that was like ten years ago.
- So...nine months before I was born.
Can we figure this out,
or should I just call Maury Povich right now?
[playful music]
- [man singing] This is America
Land of dreams
Everyone can climb higher
- [women singing] No you know you're stuck here
'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah
- [man singing] You can do anything
- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard
- [man singing] And you can go anywhere
- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car
- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success
- [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are
- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed
With full-time dreams
And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems
Bad as it seems
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Whoa
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Oh
Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?
- I hope to God I'm not his dad.
- I'm hungry. - I hope so too.
For the kid's sake, I think we can all agree,
I would make a better dad.
- What? No, I would make a great dad.
I always carry candy. Point Ian.
- I hate candy. - He hates candy?
God, our kid sucks.
- And I don't care. See? I'll always love our son,
no matter how much he disappoints me.
Point Anton.
- Oh, you wanna have a dad-off?
You got it. Best dad wins.
- You're on.
- Uh, guys, can I come?
- Do we have to untie him?
- I guess so.
[playful music]
- This is ridiculous. One of us should go home.
all: Dibs!
- Historically, it's the eldest who gets to go home first
when things get slow. - So that would always be you.
- I cleaned up three vomits today.
Three separate vomits. I deserve to go home.
- Well, I set a fracture. I had my hand on a kid's bone.
- [chuckles]
- What? It was really hard.
[all snicker]
- Guys, I almost blew it.
[all snicker louder]
You guys are so immature. I'm going home.
- No! We'll handle this in the matter
of a family entertainment restaurant forefathers.
[imitates fanfare]
Ball pit scavenger hunt!
[all yelling]
- Look, I know we got off to a rough start,
but I promise you I got a lot of good qualities
for being a dad, okay?
I got charisma. [groaning] I got athleticism.
Self awareness of all the things I'm good at.
- The next thing you say better involve fun,
because I'm not cleaning.
- Who said anything about cleaning?
- We're not? - No, we're playing...
super...suicide skee ball.
- I'm intrigued.
- Okay, guys, listen up.
This morning Anton dropped his wallet in the bathroom.
First person to find it gets to go home.
And, bonus,
there's an Old Navy gift card inside.
- Ooh.
- Well, what? Begin!
[playful music]
- One... - This is awesome!
- ...two...
- Ian, I think you got enough time with--
- ...three!
- [gasps]
I've got you, baby boy. You almost killed him.
- He's fine, quit being such a helicopter parent.
- You actually think you're a better father than me?
- Darth Vader's a better father than you.
- Daddy is here now, Chadwick.
- That's not my name, you tool bag.
- Tool bag?
That's what your mother used to call me.
It must be in the DNA.
all: Found it!
- Ew!
- Ooh, dirty diaper! - IV bag?
- Wait, where's Pete?
- Pete, come on out.
- He can't stay under for too long, he gets panic attacks.
Guys, the hunt is off until we can find Pete.
- But...Old Navy.
- Guys, focus. We leave no man behind.
- [sighs]
- Chad, I'm gonna prove I'm a better dad
than some other dads I could name,
because I actually care about safety.
- Can you breathe? - [moans]
- So you think a little bubble wrap is gonna keep
my child protected?
- Yes, I do. - Prove it, then.
- You're on.
[upbeat rock music]
- [muffled scream] - Catch!
- Shoot!
- [grunts]
Go! Go!
- [screams]
[screams]
- You think it worked? - Yeah.
- Good job.
[both grunting]
- Aw, Chaddy, are you okay? - Are you okay, son?
- Tell you what, whatever you wanna do, we'll do that.
How about some cake?
- Or some pizza.
- Or some cake on pizza.
I bet your mom doesn't let you do that.
It could be our special little father-son thing.
You know? - Ugh.
I can't believe you psychos get paid to be around kids.
But, yes, I will take the cake and pizza.
- Aw, he loves us. - Aw!
- Oh! - Come here, Ch--okay.
- Come here, Chadwick. - He's shy.
- I'm gonna get you, Chadwick.
[playful music]
- I found Pete!
Oh, it felt so much like his upper thigh.
Something's feeling up my knees.
- [singing] Hello - It's a terror.
- [singing] Hello - [singing] Hello
[all singing] Hello
- It's a full barbershop quartet.
- Guys, focus!
Did you see a guy named Pete down there?
Really cute, looks like he'd be the treasurer of the Math Club?
- [all singing] We've not had a peek at Pete,
the Math geek
- [singing] Is it me you seek?
- Pete! - What's up, guys?
What are you still doing in here?
I found this wallet hours ago.
- You're safe. Thank God!
- [all singing] Thank God her true love's back
She almost had a heart attack
- No. True love? [laughs]
- [all singing] She is in denial
But she's got lots of guile
- Can you guys stop singing now?
- [all singing] Sure, and we totally believe
You are not in love with Pete
- Wait, what?
- Nothing. Stop singing!
- [all singing] Even though you're drooling over him
Like a white chocolate cover treat
- No!
- Nice pants, Pete. - Thanks.
- I'm sorry we got so competitive, Chad.
- Yeah, thanks for giving us another chance.
- How about you guys let me come here free of charge
any time I want?
- Of course, you're family. - Yeah.
- Thank you so much for taking care of him.
Was he a lot of trouble? - No, not at all, Nesha.
We taught him a whole about safety.
- Wait, how do you know my name? - You don't remember us?
Anton and Ian, from high school?
"Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants"?
- Oh. Ew!
- Listen, we know that one of us is the father.
- Yeah, so we decided we'll
just have joint custody over him.
- Yeah, you don't even have to tell us
which one of us is his real dad.
We love him like he's our own.
- One, gross,
and, two, neither of you are his dad.
Chad's father is waiting in the car.
- You lied to us?
- Yeah, I was just hoping to get some free games
and pizza out of it, but messing with you dorks
was way more fun.
- Young man, you are grounded.
- You can't ground my son. Come on, Chad.
By the way, you can't get pregnant from kissing.
- Yeah, I knew that.
You knew that, right.
- Yeah. Everyone knows that.
[playful music]