I went to the Met Gala last night.
Here in New York. Very fancy. Absolutely.
Yes. Very fancy. Yeah, I get invited every year.
I don't know why. Anna Wintour likes me.
And so this is my 10th year going or something like that.
And I really have no business going there. I'm a comedian.
But I went. I had the greatest time.
It was -- The theme was "Heavenly Bodies."
It was, like, fashion inspired by Catholic imagination.
Uh... [ Laughter ]
-Catholic imagination?
-I had a very, very --
I think that was the theme. Something like that.
But we get there.
And I remember I was taking the car.
I had a car going to the resort.
And I took over GQ's Instagram.
And they asked me like,
"Do you have any red-carpet advice?"
And I said, "Never follow a Kardashian."
Because they're going to take all the attention.
That's all people really want to see, is a beautiful Kardashian
in a nice dress, and that's what all the people care about.
So never follow a Kardashian.
Anyways, I was waiting to go on the red carpet,
and you're in, like, a holding area,
and I was right behind Kim Kardashian.
And then behind me was Cardi B.
And I go...
No one's even going to know that I'm there!
They don't even know I'm -- They're like, "Go home.
We only want to see those two people."
And they both looked great. And it was fun.
So I was like, "I just want to get through the red carpet."
It's these beautiful stairs. You walk up the Met.
It's unbelievable.
So, I see Stephen Colbert there with his beautiful wife, Evie.
And I was talking to them.
And I go, "Do you want to do a bit or something?
Do you want to do the red carpet together?"
He's like, "Uh, yeah. All right. I'll take --
I'll take Evie upstairs, up the stairs,
then we'll do our press line,
and then I'll come back down and get you."
So, then he came back down and got me,
and we walked like we were dates.
And I said, "Do you want to do serious face?"
He goes, "Oh, yeah. Let's do model -- model faces."
So, this is me and Stephen Colbert last night.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Heavenly bodies!
-[ Laughs ] He's unbelievable, man.
He is so funny. [ Laughs ]
I love the guy. He's so good.
Then you get up to the thing, and everyone's just gorgeous.
And just having fun.
And I heard the rumor
that Madonna was going to be performing,
because her name's Madonna.
-Right, yeah. What are you gonna do?
-So -- -Catholic appreciation.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go...
So I go in, and it's a -- it's a choir from --
the Sistine Chapel choir.
-Ooh.
-And I was like, "Madonna is going to show up. I know it."
As I'm watching the thing, who comes up next to me but Madonna.
So I go, "Wow.
Uh, I thought you were..."
Guess she's not, you know, performing.
So I go, "You look fantastic."
And she goes, "Bless you."
[ Laughter ]
Madonna.
[ Applause ]
So, anyways, Madonna leaves.
Madonna gets totally bored with me. She leaves.
She wants to go talk to Kim Kardashian or Cardi B.
And I'm just hanging out, and then I go sit at my table.
And you sit at this assigned table,
and I'm at the table, and they -- they --
I think I ate a cracker or something.
They had a cracker. That's all I ate.
And then the food started coming around, but then you --
You start hearing these gongs.
And that means you have to go. There's another performance.
So I go, "You got to be kidding me."
I don't want to be rude. I mean, obviously --
It's Anna's party. And "Vogue" and everyone.
I just said hi to, you know, Amal Clooney. Looked gorgeous.
And I was like, "I don't want to just shove a lamb chop in my mouth."
So I didn't really touch it.
And I go, "Okay, I'll go to the other gig."
So, I go to the gig and it's just -- It's, like, these monks.
These guys are standing there, and they're like...
[ Mimicking Gregorian chant ]
And it's, like, beautiful. So, there's three monks.
And then there's, like, five monks.
[ Mimicking Gregorian chant ]
And then there's, like, ten monks.
[ Mimicking Gregorian chant ]
And they start walking down the stairs.
And they're like...
[ Mimicking Gregorian chant ]
I go, "Oh, wow. This is insane."
And then there's, like, 20 monks on the thing,
and the one monk in the middle takes the robe off.
It's Madonna.
-Ah! Busted! -She goes...
♪ Life is a mystery ♪
I was like, "Yes!" It was awesome! Crushed!
Crushed, crushed, crushed. It was the coolest thing ever.
She knew what she was doing. She was standing next to me.
Ah, it was fantastic, man.
Anyway, that was my big night last night.
It was really, really fun.