Vanessa Marin: Relationships are not rocket science. Having
a great relationship really doesn't have to be as hard as it can sometimes feel. We generally
tend to know the things that keep our partner happy, that keep our relationship solid. There's
so much fantastic advice out there, articles, books, all about how to have a healthy relationship.
So why do we struggle so much to actually follow through?
Xander Marin: Good question.
Vanessa Marin: Hey, there? We are Vanessa and Xander Marin.
We are married. We've been together since 2007, and it is our mission to give you the
tools that you need to have an extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out.
So I am a licensed psychotherapist. I specialize in sex and relationships. And I've spent the
last 15 years working with thousands of people. And I've served as a featured expert for the
New York Times, O The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple and many more.
Xander Marin: And I'm her husband. I used to work a pretty
normal job in the corporate world, but I started seeing how much of an impact Vanessa was making
with her work and I decided to join on so we could reach even more people. I picked
up some pretty good insight into what doesn't, doesn't make relationships work being married
to a sex therapist after all. And I also just love sharing real stories from our own life
that can help you all in your own life and relationships. So in this video, we want to
do something a little different. Rather than give you direct relationship advice, we want
to talk about how to actually put that advice to good use. Because you can read a ton of
articles or books, but if you're not actually taking action on that advice, what's the point?
Vanessa Marin: Just going in one ear and out the other.
Xander Marin: We're going to give you tips for ensuring
that you actually follow through on relationship advice and cultivate a happier and healthier
relationship. So after watching this video, you're going to have a game plan for how to
approach any kind of desired improvement to your relationship.
Vanessa Marin: Now, we do not want you thinking that we are
perfect at this. We give out tons of what we think is fantastic relationship advice,
but sometimes we really struggle to follow through too. So I will give you a little example
here. There is truly nothing in this world that makes this man happier than cuddling
in bed in the morning. If we have even just 60 seconds of cuddle time, a little skin to
skin action, it really just generates enough goodwill, enough love to keep us in a good
place for most of the day.
Xander Marin: Simple pleasures, right?
Vanessa Marin: Yeah. So, from my perspective, snuggling with
Xander in the morning should be a total no-brainer, right? It takes me 60 seconds to do, sets
us up for a great day. And yet for most of our relationship, I hopped right out of bed,
started my day without pausing for that moment of connection with Xander. So, this doesn't
seem to make a lot of sense, right? Like why was it so hard for me to do something so simple,
especially since I knew full well just how powerful that tiny little action could be?
So yeah, definitely not perfect. We could stand to improve with this stuff too. So we
want to talk about some specific steps for taking action with relationship advice.
Xander Marin: All right. So, the first step is, view your
relationship like a project. Before we get into these tips, we first need to address
the mindset aspect of this. We're consistently shocked by how many people think it's normal
for relationships to become boring and strained.
Vanessa Marin: Yeah. I can't tell you how many times I'll
be working with a couple and they'll say, "Well, you just can't keep the spark alive
for that long, or relationships always get really tough." And it's just sad to see how
many people have really low expectations for their relationships, especially in the long-term.
Xander Marin: Yeah. I think that's super common, but that
doesn't have to be your fate. You just have to be intentional about maintaining a healthy
relationship. It's crucial to work on your relationship instead of relying on your relationship
to just work. You work hard and you prioritize other things that are important to you, like
your career, your health, your knowledge, your family, so you should be showing the
same attitude towards your relationship. This also requires viewing ourselves as works in
progress, which maybe is one reason why it can be hard. Because be honest, what have
you done in the last month to actively work on being the best version of yourself for
your partner?
Vanessa Marin: Ooh, that is a tough question that I think
a lot of people [crosstalk 00:04:25] are going to struggle to answer. All right. So now,
let's talk about these actual steps for putting relationship advice to use. So, the first
step here is to identify your values. This is really the first step for any sort of self-improvement.
So, establishing relationship values in between you and your partner, it really helps the
both of you decide what matters most and where to put your time and energy, because we all
have limited amounts of that, right? So the thing about forming new behaviors is that
the behaviors themselves often aren't all that motivating.
So, me going to snuggle Xander, isn't motivating in it of itself because it's not something
that's as meaningful for me as it is for him. I love to snuggle too, don't get me wrong,
but Xander definitely loves it even more than I do. It's not my natural thing that I go
to, my natural way to connect with him. So me just going to snuggle him in and of itself,
it doesn't feel super motivating to me. But if we can connect to the underlying values
behind those actions, that can become so much more powerful. So, you're not just making
an effort to give your partner more compliments, or do the dishes without being asked, you're
working on becoming a specific kind of partner, like a sensitive partner, or a trustworthy
partner, or a [inaudible 00:05:40] partner.
Xander Marin: A cuddly partner.
Vanessa Marin: Or a cuddly partner. So, it gets our egos
involved in a healthy way. So again, me snuggling Xander in and of itself, is not going to make
me that feel that great about myself. But if I decide to myself, you know what? I really
want to be a loving partner. I value being a loving partner. And if I can tie cuddling
Xander with me being able to see myself as a sweet and loving partner, that's going to
get me so much more motivated.
Xander Marin: Ooh, I like that.
Vanessa Marin: Yeah. So, that brings up the question. How
do you identify the values in your relationship? This can actually be a really fun process
that you and your partner can go through together. So you can sit down and have a little conversation
about it, and you can try asking each other these questions. What do you think defines
a great relationship? Answer that.
Xander Marin: Good question.
Vanessa Marin: What qualities in a relationship are most
important to you?
Xander Marin: Cuddling.
Vanessa Marin: And what would you like more of in a relationship?
Xander Marin: Same answer.
Vanessa Marin: Yes. So, you want to come up with your top
five core relationship values together. And again, this can be a really fun process. It
can open up some really intimate and connecting conversations because we're all different,
we all value different things, and it can be really enjoyable to figure out what you
guys really value together.
Xander Marin: All right. Now, once you have those core values,
let's talk about how to get the most bang for your buck. The reason Vanessa knows that
I love cuddling so much is because she asked me, what are the top three ways you like to
be shown love? So, we really love this question because it helps you figure out how to get
the most bang for your buck, quite literally because I'm telling her. The reality is that
there's probably-
Vanessa Marin: [inaudible 00:07:20] bang? It's a different
kind of cuddling.
Xander Marin: Because the reality is, there are probably
hundreds of different things that you could do for your partner to help them feel loved
and appreciated, but who has time for that? So you want to figure out what the top three
things that you could do for your partner in that they'll really, truly love. We like
asking each other this question often because it helps us stay curious about each other.
Because honestly, after 12 years together-
Vanessa Marin: Ooh, we're coming up on 13 now.
Xander Marin: We think we know each other pretty well, but
we still like asking these kinds of questions because we find the answers do tend to change
over time.
Vanessa Marin: Oh, yeah. They really do.
Xander Marin: This curiosity, it just keeps us on our toes
and it prevents us from settling into complacency. It means, there's always something new that
we can learn about each other.
Vanessa Marin: Not just a boring, old, married couple who
know everything there is to know about each other.
Xander Marin: Yeah. So you can also apply this idea of being
curious to your sex lives. If you want to figure out what your partner's sex personality
type is and what they need most in the bedroom, you should check out our video about all 11
sex personality types. And you can check out that video right here.
Vanessa Marin: All right. Our next tip is to pick a starting
place. So we know we just talked about the top three things that will make your partner
feel loved, but we recommend that you get started with just one thing. So, the problem
that comes up for so many couples is that they get into a tough spot into their relationship.
They want things to be better. And then they try to overhaul their entire relationship
in one fall swoop, like all at the same time. But that is way too overwhelming and it's
just not going to be effective. So, it's going to feel really hard to try to transform your
entire relationship all at the same time, but it's also just not the way our brains
work. You cannot build multiple new habits at the same time.
Your brain literally will not do that. So instead, you want to pick one specific starting
place for improvements. Okay? So let's say you ask your partner that question, what are
your top three ways of being shown love? And they like receiving compliments, you doing
chores without being asked and being surprised by a date night. So, if you feel the most
excited about surprise date nights, start there, work on building up that habit and
doing that more frequently. And then you can move on to some of the other things that they
listed too.
Xander Marin: So, from there you're going to need to start
developing mental triggers. One of the biggest challenges that you'll face in trying to improve
your relationship, is simply remembering to take that action.
Vanessa Marin: And this is surprisingly and embarrassingly
challenging. Right?
Xander Marin: Yeah. Honestly it is.
Vanessa Marin: It can be really hard just to remember something
that seems so simple and basic.
Xander Marin: Yeah. And that's where these mental triggers
come into play. These are essentially ways to cue your brain to remember your new tasks.
Vanessa Marin: So, one way that you can do this is to tie
in a new behavior to an existing behavior that you already do. So for example, I'm really
good at brushing my teeth in the morning, never skipped a morning.
Xander Marin: Go, Vanessa.
Vanessa Marin: So I could create a cue for myself that as
soon as I've finished brushing my teeth, something I already do every day I don't even have to
think about it, then I go to snuggle Xander. So, I'm tying this new behavior that I want
to do with something that I reliably already do every day.
Xander Marin: Another option is to just set reminders for
yourself, plain and simple. Put notifications on your calendar at several points throughout
the day to remind you to do these new behaviors with your partner. So for example, you could
literally have your phone ping you to give your partner a hug. I know that sounds silly,
but a reminder that just says, hey, tell them I love you or buy them flowers every other
Friday. You can set these notifications up in under a minute and be set with plenty of
reminders to do these new behaviors.
Vanessa Marin: Yeah. Again, I know you said it sounds silly.
But I think we talk so much about how cell phones get in the way of our relationships.
We're distracted all the time. We're looking at our phones instead of spending time with
each other. And this is a way that we can actually use our phones to bring us closer
together. So you might feel kind of sheepish initially setting a reminder on your phone,
but then when you actually get that reminder and you're like, yeah, let me go do that behavior.
It's going to pay off, it's going to be totally worth it.
Okay. Our next recommendation is to build in structure and accountability. So even with
the very best of intentions, you're going to have to have some structure in place to
help you follow through on taking action. Now, one of my favorite ways to do this is
through journaling. So, every morning I write down my goals for the kind of partner that
I want to be that day. This really helps me start my day with intention. And I like to
pick one specific word to focus on. So, sometimes I'll pick the same word every single day for
months, sometimes I'll switch the word up, but picking just one word helps me figure
out how to direct my energy for the day. And then that act of writing out the kind of partner
that I want to be, it gives me this little swell of love and pride and it gives me the
energy to follow through.
Xander Marin: That's really nice.
Vanessa Marin: And writing it out daily too, also keeps my
goal top of mind. So, it's something much less likely that I'm going to forget it. Now,
another option that you can do is have a weekly state of the union type of meeting with your
partner. We recommend this in general for all couples. But what you want to do is to
carve out a little bit of time each week to ask each other questions like, what did you
appreciate about our relationship this week? How did I make you feel loved this week? And
what do you need more of next week? So this conversation can also be an opportunity to
celebrate your efforts with each other. You can use this conversation to discuss the positive
changes that you're seeing in your relationship, which is just going to keep you motivated
and excited to keep going.
Xander Marin: Our next tip is to just do something. Now,
a lot of people claim that they just don't feel that motivated to make changes to their
relationship. If you're not feeling particularly motivated to take action, that's probably
because you have motivation all wrong. Most people want to feel motivated before taking
action. If we don't feel motivated, then we feel like we just can't do anything.
Vanessa Marin: Yeah. I think a lot of people feel that way.
Xander Marin: But we don't think that's how motivation actually
works. We think that action comes before motivation. Once you take action, you'll feel good for
having done so, and then you'll feel inspired to take even more action, then you feel good
from taking that action and you feel even more motivated to keep going. So we create
our own motivation instead of relying on it to strike us. So, if you're feeling unmotivated,
just do something rather than waiting around for that motivation to just pop out of nowhere.
Vanessa Marin: I think this is something that comes up for
people in so many areas of their lives. We just want to feel this burning, driving passion
to go do anything in our lives. And so, a lot of times we wait around just waiting for
that feeling, and we complain about, oh, I don't feel motivated, I'm just not motivated.
And we use that as an excuse to not do anything. But it really is super powerful that just
take some small step, just do something tiny and you'll feel that little boost of energy
that can really help create that motivation rather than you just waiting for it.
All right. Our next tip is to learn to love the process. So look, it is really vulnerable
to admit that you're not the best partner to your loved ones or that your relationship
isn't on the strongest footing. It's even vulnerable to try to connect more deeply with
your partner or try to do something kind for them. But the process of reaching for a better
version of yourself in your relationship can be a really beautiful thing. I'm such a get
up and go type of person in the morning, that even that extra minute of cuddle time felt
like it hampered my morning routine. So sometimes I would find myself half-heartedly spooning
Xander waiting until the moment that I could get up.
Xander Marin: No one wants a half-hearted spoon.
Vanessa Marin: No one wants a half-hearted spoon. But I'd
feel really crummy about myself for not being more enthusiastic. It's 60 seconds, why can't
I just do this? But what I came to realize is that I may not get the same enjoyment out
of that moment of contact that Xander does because I'm just a different person. I like
to give and receive love in different ways and that's okay. But I can allow myself to
appreciate the impact that it has on him. So, I tried to slow down. I tried to pay more
attention to this goofy smile that he gets, the adoration in his eyes whenever I do cuddle
him. And I just let myself feel his appreciation of me, his appreciation of me making that
effort with him in the morning. And that makes me feel so good. So good in
fact that it gave me the motivation to continue doing that. So, I don't need to enjoy the
cuddling as much as he does. It's okay if it takes a lot of steps to get me to remember
to do it. It's okay if I forget to do it sometimes. But if I can allow myself to enjoy him enjoying
it, then that is one simple way that I can try to be a better partner.
Xander Marin: So that wraps up our tips for putting relationship
advice to good use. If you liked this video, give it a thumbs up or better yet, comment
down below if this information helped you. We'd love to know how you're going to make
a change in your relationship. Make sure to hit the red button to subscribe to our channel
as well. And while you're at it, click the notification icon so you keep getting these
videos.
Vanessa Marin: And we have a little gift for you. If you
want to continue to improve both your relationship and your sex life, you are definitely going
to want to check out our free guide, The Simple Daily Check In That Every Couple Needs To
Be Doing Right Now. This check-in takes just a few minutes, but it can have a massive impact
on the wellbeing of your relationship. It's like a mini version of that state of the union
meeting that we were talking about earlier. All right. Thanks so much for watching.
Xander Marin: See you next time. All right.
Vanessa Marin: Oh no, that was such a cute one.