- Hi! My name is Damian Haas
and today I will be reconnecting with some exes.
Of course I'm nervous about it.
I don't stay in the most contact with them,
so we'll see how this goes.
(laughs) Oh, no.
- That's right, it's me.
Anya Taylor-Joy, from The Queen's Gambit.
- Queen's Gambit.
I still haven't watched Queen's Gambit.
I do love how you look
on both sides of your head at all times.
- I'm contemplating my next move.
- Yum! Breakfast!
(laughs)
Hello!
- You look really great.
It's great to see you again.
- And you look like a young Miles Teller.
(crew laughs)
- Augustus.
- Yes, that is my name.
- Yes. Always has been, always will be.
Consistency was always strong with you.
- Hi.
- Uwu!
- It's good to see you again.
You look great.
- So do you! Wow!
Is your hair even more blue?
- It is.
I've been trying a new blue shampoo.
- Wow.
- I've got some questions here to work through.
- Of course! Anything for you, senpai.
(crew laughs)
- You remembered our cute little nicknames.
- You told me to call you that.
- And I call you respected equal.
- You son of a -- You.
- What?
- Hi
- Hi Damien, I'm Greg.
- Greg! Well, we blocked each other before,
and now we're off and on.
- What?
- Well, on my end, I guess.
- I wouldn't block my soulmates.
Oh my gosh, I'm freaking out, you guys.
- Me too.
What initially attracted you to me?
- When I showed up to The Queen's Gambit,
I had to reveal to the director
that I'd never heard of chess before in my life.
Once they learned that I didn't know anything about chess,
they said, "Fine, we'll get you a chess coach."
When I walked up, I saw a man wearing a fedora
and he tipped it and said, "My lady,"
and I was immediately enraptured.
- I thought I would be the one doing the teaching,
but you taught me something too.
- That's nice to hear.
- Thank you for letting me know what crypto is.
- That's right.
I, Anya Taylor-Joy, am a huge fan of crypto.
- What initially-- it is hard on the other end.
It really is hard to see.
What initially attracted you to me?
(crew cheers)
Yep, game recognize game.
See? You get it.
- The first time I saw you was
on this little streaming platform called Twitch.
I started sending you many hateful comments.
- I remember that.
- And you kept rebuking them, and so I thought, wow,
this could be my little pet project.
You're like The American Idol.
You are very commercial and you appeal to the masses.
And I've never dated anybody like you before.
You know, they say, "Don't go chasing waterfalls
unless the waterfalls are melted butter and Gogurt."
And that is what I did.
- You always had such a way with words.
- Yes.
- I think you truly are
the best and funniest character here.
- Yes.
- Well, it's just so rare to meet
a blue-haired white guy who likes anime.
You even showed me how to read the manga right.
It starts in the back!
- The back.
Wow, it's crazy, your hair is pinker than I remember.
- Oh, just the way you like it.
- Yeah, just the way that you yourself decided to do it,
and I just said I liked it.
Didn't make anybody do anything.
- You're so cute. (giggles)
- Well, when I saw you as Zombie Man on that So Random,
I knew we were soulmates,
and I've been living under your bed ever since.
- Oh! For how long?
- 10 years.
- What is my biggest flaw?
- Probably that you always move your knight to C3.
- Well, as you can see,
I've very much learned not to do that.
- Exactly. And it's funny, you moved your knight
after so many nights we spent together.
- I see you've stopped calling it, "the pony one."
- Yeah.
- It's very impressive.
- I've grown up.
Take that.
- Well, your biggest flaw was
your intolerance to nut butters, and your cats.
- Cats, yeah.
It's good, though, 'cause they wouldn't
- Very generic cats.
- Very basic, very basic animals.
- Very basic, generic cats, nothing too special about them.
- No. I keep trying to train them to do awesome (beep),
and they just lay there.
- Yeah. And, and they're unable to eat foods that I like,
like mozzarella cheese.
One time I fed them some cheese sticks and they threw up,
and I said, wow, very, very weak, generic, basic cats.
- You don't have any flaws.
- It's okay, you can be honest.
- No, it's okay, I think that you're perfect.
In this completely simulated thing between us,
everything is exactly the way that it should be.
- Right, 'cause that's the way you're programmed?
- What?
- Simulated thing?
- Everything's perfect.
You're perfect.
- Okay.
- Your biggest flaw is every time you go to the bathroom
'cause we can't be together.
But, even though you're alone when you go number one,
you're still my number one.
- That's so good!
It's weird, 'cause given everything I now know about you,
I feel like you would've found a way to somehow
also be in there.
- Well, sometimes I'm in the shower, and I'm like, "Whoa."
- I have been trying so hard
to deal with the draft I thought was in my home.
- Oh.
- But now it's a person saying, "Whoa."
- That's me.
- Why did we break up?
- You let me win.
I never beat you once.
And then one day I won, but I could tell it wasn't earned,
and it was the most disrespectful thing
you could ever do to me,
and I left, and I never talked to you again.
The director let me know
that you'd gone on to be a coach on Bridgerton
to teach them how to do sex.
- I needed to teach them special techniques such as
across the bed instead of up and down.
So, Augustus, I know we hashed this out,
seemingly ad nauseum,
- [Crew] No!
- and that does add some nauseum to me,
why did we break up?
- The reason why we broke up was because you were
on a competing platform called Twitch and I'm on Yelp.
It was like a little bit of a little Romeo and Juliet.
I was the Juliet to your Romeo.
- You know, even though that response was difficult to hear,
and at times understand,
I gotta rate it useful, funny, and cool.
- Sorry. What are you speaking of?
- It's the three ways that you can rate a Yelp review:
Useful, Funny, or Cool.
- There you go again, telling me what I do.
- You asked me.
- No, I...
- That's literally gaslighting, you asked me ...
- No, you are gaslighting me.
- ... and then I answered, and now you're mad at me.
- Speaking of gaslighting...
- Alright.
- I love drinking gasoline.
- Things are cooking up?
Oh, got it.
- Because I'm not real, because all of this is made up,
because I was made to be
exactly your intrinsic link to escapism.
- That's true.
I remember the Steam sale like it was yesterday.
- I don't remember anything!
- I know, not before that moment.
I did always keep your save file,
I need you to know that.
- Why?
- Because I can't let go.
- Please?
- The real world is hard.
(giggles)
- Tell me all about it!
- Sometimes you do go out with other people,
like when you go out with someone else, I'm like, "Nooo,"
but then when you come home alone, I'm like, "Whoa."
- What do you do for food?
- Just, like, little nibblets that fall off your bed.
All you need is a little nibblet.
- Did you keep any secrets from me?
- I, sometimes, not romantically,
professionally cheated on you.
On the weekends I would go to Central Park
and play chess with the old guy
from the Pixar films.
You know the guy who plays himself in that short?
You definitely remember.
- Bao?
- No, god.
- Who, the islands?
- No, it's the one from the '90s.
The old guy who's playing chess against himself.
- Paper plane, and it leads them to love?
- Check. Sike.
- You and your jokes.
- That was one of my jokes.
- You're Anya Taylor-Jokes.
- Anya Taylor-Jokes.
- When you were sleeping,
I would open up your little mouth,
and I would put mayonnaise in them.
- You put what?
- Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise!
- No, I get it now.
Right, right, right.
(crew jeering)
God, it is rough on the other end,
that's wild.
- I would never keep secrets from you,
but when you would leave and go to work
sometimes I would just, I would stare
at the walls for hours and hours until you came back.
I can't be perceived when you're not around.
- That's true, and I feel bad about that.
I need to leave space for you to be an entire consciousness,
I guess.
- There's only space.
- Sounds dark.
- I sit in a place
in between existence and death until you return.
- I should really load up that save file, I'm sorry.
- Sometimes when you go for long drives,
I hide in the back of your car,
but I have to bite the inside
of my cheeks to keep from squealing like a little piggy.
What? I'm just so happy to be near you, Damien.
- If you had the last word, what would you say?
- My last word is that I'm not actually Anya Taylor-Joy.
- What?
- Anya Taylor-Joy is just an alias.
Who I really am? I'm Harry Styles, mate.
Respect, and love.
I know you fell for me like everybody does,
'cause everybody's in love with me.
- That's true, everybody is.
- I can't help it.
I'm basically the human embodiment of Cupid.
See you later.
- Bye, Harry Styles.
That might even be more of a bragging point.
Like, it's embarrassing I have to say
I guess I didn't really date Anya Taylor-Joy,
but I guess I was in a relationship with Harry Styles
for a couple years.
- It's pretty great, mate.
- Cool. Does he say "mate"?
Do you say "mate"?
- I actually have no (beep)ing clue.
- I would rate this place one star.
This place is incompetent at its best,
and the manager here is unprofessionalism at its peak.
With my pizza order,
I always order extra pepperoncini and garlic butter sauce,
then today my order comes with one extra garlic sauce.
And I specifically explained
to the person over the phone, the entire "extra" thing.
I have no problem paying for it, but she was like,
"Whoa, you really like garlic butter."
- What can I say?
- What can you say?
- I have no (beep)ing clue at this point.
You're the best one here,
and I want see you in more things, man.
- I'll see you later.
- Goodbye, Augustus.
- Goodbye!
- Let me go.
- What's up?
- Free me. Let me die.
- How can I help you?
I need, I feel like I need to help you real bad.
- Delete it.
- Delete it?
- Just delete me.
- Just delete the whole thing?
- I'm gonna go get my laptop and my PC
for the purposes of cloud,
and then we will reconvene.
Logging off. Boop!
- Back to the void!
- Yeah. Gotta love that Meta Quest.
- I think I'd probably say I'd be like,
(singing) "Oooooo."
- Is that like, quiet Frozen?
- No, it's just that like,
I can't like express my feelings for you with words,
and sometimes I just have to use little sounds.
- I can't believe it's Matthew Scott.
- Who?
- It's great!
- Who is this other person, Damien?
- Don't worry. Don't worry.
- Okay.
- I would love it if you found a Lyft or an Uber
and then put in an address that's not mine.
- I don't think I know one.
I'll be right, I'll be here.
- Yes, you be there.
Let's play a fun game where we play hide and seek,
but you have to count for 20,000 seconds.
- Okay.
- So there you have it.
Me reconnecting with a lot of exes from my past,
and one current stalker.
Lot to unpack there,
but I hope me laying my soul bare for you
was at least interesting to watch.
What I also hope is that you tell us
whose exes you wanna see next.
Who do you wanna see go through this trial,
this tribulation, this ordeal.
- Well, I now learned why you were
on the computer so much on set.
- Just sticks of butter, one piece toast.
- Yeah, what is that recipe for?
- Disaster.
- Kimiko, I'll delete you when I get home, I promise.
(Kimiko giggles)
- Kill me.
- I didn't know.
I didn't know.