WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
IT IS FRIDAY.
YOU CAN FEEL IT.
AND TODAY CONGRESS GOT A MUCH-NEEDED BREAK FROM THE
IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS.
THEY'VE GONE HOME TO CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING, WHERE I'M SURE NO
ONE WILL ARGUE ABOUT IMPEACHMENT.
TRUMP ALSO GOT A BREAK.
SURPRISINGLY, IT WAS A SMOKE BREAK, BECAUSE TODAY TRUMP MET
WITH MEMBERS OF THE VAPING INDUSTRY.
NOW, YOU MIGHT REMEMBER A WHILE BACK, TRUMP SURPRISED EVERYONE
BY ANNOUNCING THAT HE WOULD BE BANNING FLAVORED E-CIGARETTES.
>> WE HAVE A PROBLEM IN OUR COUNTRY.
IT'S A NEW PROBLEM.
IT'S A PROBLEM NOBODY REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT TOO MUCH A FEW
YEARS AGO, AND IT'S CALLED VAPING-- ESPECIALLY VAPING AS IT
PERTAINS TO INNOCENT CHILDREN.
AND THEY'RE COMING HOME, AND THEY'RE SAYING, "MOM, I WANT
TO VAPE."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.
THAT'S EXACTLY-- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAY.
IT'S A CLASSIC REBEL KID MOVE: ASKING FOR PERMISSION.
"MOM, I WANT TO VAPE.
ALSO, I WANT TO HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, AND WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF
TOWN, I WAS THINKING ABOUT THROWING A HUGE RAGER WHERE
SOMEBODY BREAKS GRANDE'SURN OVER THERE.
IF YOU COULD GET BACK TO ME ON THAT ASAP, THAT'D BE GREAT."
NOW THIS IS VERY PERSONAL, THIS ISSUE--
( APPLAUSE )
APPLAUDING, BUT THANK YOU!
THIS ISSUE IS VERY PERSONAL FOR TRUMP.
IT'S AN ISSUE THAT AFFECTS HIS FAMILY.
>> WE CANNOT ALLOW PEOPLE TO GET SICK, AND WE CANNOT HAVE OUR
YOUTH BE SO AFFECTED.
AND I'M HEARING IT, AND THAT IS HOW THE FIRST LADY GOT INVOLVED.
SHE'S GOT A SON-- TOGETHER-- THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG MAN,
AND SHE FEELS VERY STRONGLY ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "NOW, I HAVEN'T SPENT AS MUCH
TIME WITH HER SON, TOGETHER, AS I'D LIKE.
WHEN HE WAS BORN, I WAS IN A VERY STORMY SITUATION, VERY
STORMY TIME."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIDE OUT."
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: THIS-- THIS WAS AN IMPORTANT ISSUE FOR THE FIRST
LADY.
THIS WAS A PERSONAL PROJECT OF HERS.
AND TRUMP'S VAPE BAN WAS A SOLEMN COMMITMENT TO HIS WIFE.
SO, NATURALLY, HE BROKE IT, BECAUSE THIS WEEK, HE REVERSED
COURSE ON THE BAN DUE TO CONCERNS THAT HE'D ANGER HIS
SUPPORTERS AND ELIMINATE VAPING-RELATED JOBS.
THAT IS AN INTERESTING APPROACH TO PUBLIC HEALTH.
(AS TRUMP) "WELL, I WAS GOING TO STOP THE
CHILDREN FROM INHALING POISON, BUT THEN I THOUGHT, WHAT ABOUT
THE POOR POISON SALESMEN WHO MAKE THEIR LIVING POISONING
CHILDREN?
HOW ARE THEY GONNA FEED THEIR POISONED KIDS?"
IT WASN'T JUST THE THREAT OF JOB LOSSES OUT THERE, THOUGH.
APPARENTLY, TRUMP WAS SHAKEN BY PROTESTERS AT HIS RALLY.
AND THESE PROTESTERS WERE REALLY SOMETHING.
HERE'S AN ACTUAL PHOTO OF A GROUP OF THEM, DEMONSTRATING
FOR...
I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.
WELL, TRUMP MIGHT SOON WANT TO DISAPPEAR IN A FOG OF
MANGO-FLAVORED POISON MIST HIMSELF, BECAUSE WE'RE LEARNING
MORE ABOUT WHAT WENT ON BEHIND THE SCENES IN HIS SCHEME TO GET
UKRAINE TO INVESTIGATE THE BIDENS-- SPECIFICALLY, THE ROLE
OF RUDY GIULIANI'S ASSOCIATES, LEV PARNAS AND IGOR FRUMAN, THE
URSULA'S EELS OF THE UKRAINE INVESTIGATION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: OH, WOW!
WOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
100%.
NOW, TRUMP HAS DENIED KNOWING WHO THESE TWO GUYS ARE, WHICH IS
ODD, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT PARNAS AND FRUMAN WERE
GUESTS LAST YEAR AT THE WHITE HOUSE'S ANNUAL HANUKKAH PARTY,
OR AS TRUMP CALLS IT: (AS TRUMP)
"LITTLE HAT CANDLE CHRISTMAS.
( LAUGHTER )
WHY ARE YOUR HATS SO TINY?" ♪
NOW, THESE PARTIES ARE BIG, CROWDED AFFAIRS, BUT LEV AND
IGOR GOT V.I.P. TREATMENT.
AT ONE POINT DURING THE PARTY, PARNAS AND FRUMAN SLIPPED OUT TO
HAVE A PRIVATE MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT AND GIULIANI-- THOUGH,
I KNOW, IT SOUNDS BAD.
THOUGH, IT IS A HANUKKAH PARTY.
MAYBE THEY WENT OFF TO PLAY A HIGH-STAKES GAME OF DREIDEL.
(AS TRUMP) "THIS IS THE FIRST CASINO I'VE
BEEN TO WHERE THEY DON'T JUDGE ME FOR EATING THE COINS."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
RECOLLECTIONS.
>> Stephen: "COME ON!" BUT IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN SO
INNOCENT AFTER ALL, BECAUSE AFTER HE MET WITH TRUMP, LEV
PARNAS TOLD TWO OF HIS BUDDIES HE WAS ON "A SECRET MISSION" TO
PRESSURE THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT TO INVESTIGATE JOE
BIDEN, LIKE SOME SORT OF JAMES BOND MISSION.
YES, A JAMES BOND MISSION.
THE ONE THING YOU DON'T WANT IN A SPY IS SOMEONE EXCITED TO TELL
EVERYONE THEY'RE A SPY.
( LAUGHTER )
SPY!
HERE'S MY LICENSE TO KILL.
WELL, IT'S A LEARNER'S PERMIT RIGHT NOW.
DON'T LOOK AT THE PICTURE.
I HAVE A TUXEDO ON UNDER MY WET SUIT, AND IT'S REALLY BINDING IN
THE CROTCH!"