Living with bipolar illness I think it makes me a better psychiatrist. When
someone comes to me with something I don't only know it intellectually I know
it through a lived experience. There are times where I, I can feel that the
patient wouldn't benefit from maybe knowing that I really understand what
they're going through. But I think right now unfortunately within medicine and
even within psychiatry stigma still does Exist. I'm hoping that maybe one day I
will be able to be more open about it. Because it does feel like I can't really
share a big part of myself that could potentially benefit someone else, right,
or give them hope.
I had this great life I was in medical school I had great friends I had a great
family and I had a certain vision of what my future was going to be. When I
first experienced my first episode the psychiatrist felt that I needed an
anti-psychotic medication and that moment was like it's almost like the
carpet was pulled from under my feet. Kind of saw myself as you know like less
than and mentally ill. I really felt the stigma. I had a hard time looking people
in the eyes and facing friends. People were talking about oh when you get
better and I would look at them like, ‘When I get better what are you talking
about? This is how I'm going be for the rest of my life.’ I was thinking I'm never
going return to school, this is never going get better, and you're also sort of
grieving that amazing life that you thought that you're going to have and all
of a sudden it's gone. The first depression that I experienced was very,
very severe. I had to take a year off school.
[Music]
I spent most of my time like in bed and my family had to literally come and like,
peel me out of bed, off the floor. All I could think about was just dying. Every
moment was just agony like every moment felt like an eternity. Just feeling like
I'm hopeless, like there’s – I'm never going to get better. My life is over. When I
kind of lost faith in myself I had several friends just regularly
calling me and they would just remind me we love you, we're here for you, this is
who you are. But I was thinking about all these ways that I would end my life.
[Music]
I never attempted. The only thing that kept me alive was I could not hurt my
family and my friends, I just couldn't.
wWen I started the recovery process never in a million years did I think
that I was going to come back to school. I never thought that I was going to get
Married; I didn't think that I would have a family.
[Music] It was a good year and a half until
finally, we found the right combination of medications, and until I really fully
recovered and started to feel fully like myself. The number one most important
thing in my recovery is the people around me. I have a really amazing and
supportive husband, really— you know incredible parents-in-law, a very strong
friend network. Everyone knows about you Know, my illness. And they're very open
with me. Thankfully I haven't experienced a depression in years, but I definitely
do fear it. It's not like at the forefront of my mind but because of that,
I do everything I can to prevent it.
I try to keep it in perspective… ok it's part of who I am, it doesn't define
me. It affects me but it doesn't define me.’
[Music][LYRICS: Eyes wide open.]
[LYRICS: I'm afraid to be alive] [Music] [LYRICS: I'm living in your breathing]