LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- EMMA THOMPSON!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.
I AM EMMA THOMPSON. AND I AM SO THRILLED TO BE HERE
HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S INCREDIBLE TO BE STANDING HERE WORKING ALONGSIDE MY
BELOVED HUSBAND OF 16 YEARS, KENAN THOMPSON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANKS, DOLL.
THIS IS OF COURSE THE MOTHER'S DAY SHOW AND IN FACT MY DAUGHTER
IS IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT. [ APPLAUSE ]
TO HER I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY SORRY.
I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY.
A BLANKET SORRY. AS SHE KNOWS, SOMETIMES IT CAN
BE HARD TO DECIPHER WHAT OUR MOTHERS ARE IN FACT SAYING.
THEY DO SPEAK IN CODE. SO AS A MOTHER MYSELF I'D LIKE
TO OFFER A LITTLE LANGUAGE LESSON, TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT WE MEAN. WITH SOME HELP FROM OTHER
MOTHERS. DO YOU WANT TO JOIN ME, GIRLS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO.
WE ARE MOTHERS. >> YES.
"WINE COUNTRY." HELLO.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> HELLO, THEN.
WELCOME TO MOTHER SPEAK 101. WHEN YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER WHAT
SHE WANTS TO DO FOR MOTHER'S DAY AND SHE SAYS --
>> JUST TO RELAX IN THE BACK YARD.
MAYBE A MASSAGE. >> WHAT SHE'S ACTUALLY ASKING
IS -- >> HOW DOES ONE BUY WEED?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHEN YOUR MOTHER SEES WHAT
YOU'RE WEARING AND SAYS -- >> OH, I LIKE THAT SHIRT.
>> WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO SAY IS --
>> OH, I THINK I BOUGHT YOU THAT SHIRT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHEN YOUR MOM TELLS YOU --
>> YOU LOOK TIRED. >> WHAT SHE MEANS IS --
>> YOU LOOK BAD. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW, A MUM SOMETIMES NEEDS HELP EXPRESSING HERSELF.
WHEN SHE SAYS -- >> CAN WE JUST NOT TALK ABOUT
POLITICS? >> WHAT SHE ACTUALLY MEANS IS --
>> PLEASE DON'T RUIN JOE BIDEN FOR ME.
HE'S WHAT I PICTURE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> MUMS CONTAIN MULTITUDES, WHEN SHE SAYS --
>> SON, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
>> SHE IS ACTUALLY SAYING -- >> I AM BORED OF WAITING FOR YOU
TO TELL ME YOU'RE GAY. JUST DO IT SO I CAN BUY RAINBOW
STUFF. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHEN SHE SAYS -- >> I LOVE ALL MY KIDS THE SAME.
>> SHE MEANS -- >> YOUR SISTER IS WINNING.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS MAY COME AS A SHOCK, BUT
YOUR MOTHER HAS A LIFE OUTSIDE OF YOU, SO WHEN SHE SAYS --
>> I'M GOING TO BOOK CLUB TONIGHT.
>> WHAT SHE MEANS IS -- >> I'M ABOUT TO GET TURNT AT
LINDA'S. [ LAUGHTER ]
SHE SURE IS. SOMETIMES WHAT YOUR MOTHER
MEANS VARIES BASED ON WHERE SHE'S FROM.
FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOUR MUM ASKS WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR MOTHER'S
DAY AND SHE'S FROM PHILADELPHIA, SHE MEANS --
>> WELL, YOU BETTER COME DOWN TO THE SHORE FOR MOTHER'S DAY
BRUNCH. POP-POP'S MAKING MIMOSAS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BUT MOTHERS FROM BOSTON COULD
MEAN -- >> IF YOUR CAR IS NOT PARKED IN
MY YARD ON MOTHER'S DAY I'M GOING TO HAVE A FREAKING HEART
ATTACK, AND YOU CAN GO EAT AT WAHLBURGERS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BRITISH MOTHERS ARE A
PARTICULAR BREED OF CRYPTIC. >> WHEN YOUR BRITISH MUM SAYS --
>> SPLENDID. >> WHAT SHE MEANS IS --
>> I'M SAD. I'M HAPPY.
HOW ARE YOU? YOU EMBARRASS ME.
I'M CRAZY. YOU'RE DRUNK.
SPLENDID IS SORT OF OUR ALOHA. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY, CONFLICT CAN BE FRAUGHT FOR MOTHERS.
WHEN SHE SAYS -- >> YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
>> WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO STUBBORN?
>> I COULD STRANGLE YOU. >> SHE MEANS --
>> I LOVE YOU. ARCHIE AND ABEL.
>> ALLISON AND PENELOPE, YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY.
>> GAIA AND TINDY YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO
ME. [ APPLAUSE ]
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JONAS BROTHERS ARE HERE. SO STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.