- I saw a dog wearing a sweater,
and I thought that looked ridiculous
'cause dogs don't have arms.
If you're gonna put clothes on a dog,
you should put two pairs of pants on it.
See a dog with two pairs of skinny jeans.
That Rottweiler plays bass.
I've never seen bat shit,
but if I did, I'd be like, "That's crazy.
"That's some crazy excrement right there.
"That looks like my ex-girlfriend's personality.
That's crazy."
Hugs are such a nice thing.
As human beings, we get to hug each other.
It's such a nice experience.
But it's so easy to make it go wrong.
If you're hugging somebody and you go,
"Mmm."
Or you could be hugging 'em and just go--
That hug is over.
If I want to get out of a hug, I don't do the pat,
I just go, "beep." They're like, "Okay, I'll see you, uh...
Never. All right, I'll see you never."
That's-- That's no good.
I think a tree house is really insensitive.
That's like killing something
and then making one of its friends hold it.
I like silent letters.
When I see a silent letter in a word,
I try to picture what happened.
Just a bunch of letters hanging out, and they're like,
"Oh, we gotta go spell this word."
And there's one letter there that's like,
"Psst. Hey.
I'm gonna come with you guys."
"What?
That's ridiculous. You're a 'G.'"
"I won't say anything."
"I don't know, what do you guys think?"
"Come on, we'll mess with foreigners.
Like the word, 'foreigners,' that's me in the middle."
Clothing sizes are weird. They go small, medium, large,
and then extra-large, extra-extra-large,
extra-extra-extra-large.
Something happened at "large."
They just gave up. They were like,
"I'm not doing any more adjectives.
You just keep putting 'extras' on there."
We could do better than that.
Small, medium, large...
whoa.
Easy.
Slow down.
Stop it.
Interesting.
American.
I don't like when I go to a clothing store
and I pick out some clothes, then I go to the dressing room,
and then they come, and they bother me when I'm in there.
"How's it working out for you in there?
You all right in there?"
When they're like, "How you doing in there?"
I go, "Uh...
"Not too good.
"I think I'm gonna kill myself.
Could you get me a belt, please?"
"You all right in there?" "Yeah, I'm naked.
Just popping some zits. You want to hop in?"
Just leave me alone.
"How's it going in there for you?"
"Ah, it's all right. I couldn't find the toilet, so I just went.
"You gotta finish these bathroom stalls, man.
Also, could you get me a few tee shirts?"
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut.
It's nice.
Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
Then it's the worst soap possible.
[sniffs] "I can't tell if I made any progress in this situation.
This is how I started out. This sucks."
[sniffs] You see somebody smelling their hand,
there's never a good story behind that.
Just looks bad. If you try to make it look positive,
it just looks worse. If you're like...
"Let's talk to that guy."
I don't like automatic paper towel dispensers
because they don't tell you when they're not working.
So I just end up in the bathroom,
looking like a shitty magician for a few minutes.
"What do I have to do to get a piece of paper?"
An automatic paper towel dispenser
is a solution to something that was never a problem.
"Hey, you know how people get a paper towel when they need one?"
"Yeah, they just take their hand and pull it down,
and they have it."
"Yeah, we're gonna change that."
"What are you gonna do?"
"We're gonna use lasers and make it complicated."
"That seems kind of unnecessary."
"Yeah, very. That's the idea. We're gonna--"
"You got a lot of work to do."
"Yeah, 'cause we're also working on the sinks too."
"Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?
You gonna fix, like, the hot and cold handles?"
"No, we're gonna get rid of those."
"But then they won't be able to adjust the water temperature."
"Fuck 'em."
Wow.
"We're gonna finish up with the toilets."
"Oh, yeah, what are you doing there?"
"You know when someone's sitting on the toilet,
and they move, like, a millimeter?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah, we were thinking of having
a roaring rapid explode under their ass at that point."
"Why would you do that?"
"We're gonna scare the shit out of 'em, literally."