WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THERE IS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I KNOW!
THERE'S JUST SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT, JON.
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE.
WE'VE GOT THE SUPER BOWL!
IMPEACHMENT!
GROUNDHOG DAY!
THE IOWA CAUCUS!
SO WE'RE CALLING OUR COVERAGE: "SUPER PEACH HOG-CAUC!"
( LAUGHTER ) THAT DOES NOT LOOK AS GOOD AS I
THOUGHT.
>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA.
>> Stephen: LET'S JUST GO WITH MONDAY.
>> Jon: HEY, MONDAY.
>> Stephen: YESTERDAY WAS THE BIG GAME.
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, SURE!
THEY DEFEATED THE SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS IN A THRILLING FOURTH
QUARTER COMEBACK, BUT THE REAL WINNER LAST NIGHT WAS ANYONE
WATCHING THE HALFTIME SHOW.
FIRST, SHAKIRA, WHOSE HIPS AGAIN DID NOT LIE WHILE UNDER OATH.
THEN THERE WAS J.LO, WHO SHOWED OFF AN IMPRESSIVE POLE
DANCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES.
IT'S A TRADITION DATING BACK TO SUPER BOWL I, WHEN BOB HOPE
DID THE SAME CHOREOGRAPHY.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS GOOD.
BOB WAS VERY CUT.
PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS WATCHING.
AFTER THE GAME, HE TWEETED: (AS TRUMP)
"CONGRATULATIONS TO THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ON A GREAT GAME, AND
A FANTASTIC COMEBACK UNDER IMMENSE PRESSURE.
YOU REPRESENTED THE GREAT STATE OF KANSAS AND, IN FACT THE
ENTIRE U.S.A., SO VERY WELL.
OUR COUNTRY IS PROUD OF YOU!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE'S THE THING YOU ALREADY KNOW, THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ARE
BASED IN KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI.
(AS TRUMP) "OH, I KNOW MISSOURI.
IT'S THE SHOW-ME STATE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME WHERE IT IS.
ON THE MAP.
( LAUGHTER ) LET ME ASK YOU THIS -- LET ME
ASK YOU THIS -- IS IT THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A
PORK CHOP?
( LAUGHTER ) TRICK QUESTION: THEY ALL LOOK
LIKE PORK CHOPS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BEFORE THE GAME, TRUMP SAT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH FOX NEWS
HOST AND "DUMB BOB SQUARE FACE," SEAN HANNITY.
( BOOING ) GIVEN THAT IT WAS SUPER BOWL
SUNDAY, HANNITY HAD FOOTBALL ON HIS, AND I'M USING THE TERM
LOOSELY, "MIND."
( LAUGHTER ) >> WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT
SPORTS?
>> WELL, IT IS, IT'S SORT OF A LITTLE BIT OF A MICROCOSM OF
LIFE.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "FOOTBALL FEELS JUST LIKE MY
LIFE.
EVERYONE'S A LARGE SWEATY MAN, IT'S SPONSORED BY FRIED FOOD,
AND EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL
WE'RE DOING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHY?
LOT OF BRAIN INJURY.
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP LATHERED ON:
>> YA KNOW, YOU HAVE WINNERS, YOU HAVE CHAMPIONS, YOU HAVE
PEOPLE THAT YOU EXPECT TO SEE THAT FINAL PLAY.
YOU HAVE GREAT COACHES LIKE BELICHICK.
YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU EXPECT MORE OUT OF, AND OFTEN TIMES
THEY PRODUCE, BUT THEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU JUST DON'T
EXPECT THEY'RE GONNA DO IT AND OFTEN TIMES THEY DON'T.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S -- THAT'S
DEEP.
THAT'S DEEP, JON.
>> Jon: THAT'S DEEP.
>> Stephen: THAT'S DEEP.
IT'S TRUE.
SOMETIMES THE PEOPLE YOU EXPECT TO WIN END UP WINNING, WHILE
THOSE YOU EXPECT TO LOSE, LOSE ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S WHY WE LOVE THE MOVIE "ROCKY."
HE'S A TOTAL UNDERDOG WITH NO CHANCE OF SUCCEEDING,
BUT THEN, AT THE VERY LAST MINUTE, HE LOSES.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A TRUE STORY.
>> Jon: MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE FORGET ROCKY LOSES.
HE LOSES.
HANNITY AND TRUMP ALSO PLAYED A WORD ASSOCIATION GAME ABOUT
TRUMP'S POTENTIAL DEMOCRATIC OPPONENTS.
>> BERNIE SANDERS.
>> WELL, I THINK HE'S A COMMUNIST.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, LOOK.
I THINK OF COMMUNISM WHEN I THINK OF BERNIE.
NOW, YOU COULD SAY SOCIALIST, BUT DIDN'T HE GET MARRIED IN
MOSCOW?
AND THAT'S WONDERFUL, MOSCOW IS WONDERFUL.
>> MIGHT HAVE BEEN HIS HONEYMOON, I'M NOT SURE.
>> YOU DON'T NECESSARILY THINK IN TERMS OF MARRIAGE, MOSCOW.
>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE TRUMP DOESN'T THINK OF MARRIAGE WHEN
HE THINKS OF MOSCOW.
FOR TRUMP MOSCOW MEANS A BINDING OATH OF LOYALTY THAT HE CANNOT
BREAK 'TIL DEATH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP WAS ALSO ASKED ABOUT THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE.
>> PELOSI.
>> I THINK SHE'S A VERY CONFUSED, VERY NERVOUS WOMAN.
>> STEPHEN: TO BE FAIR, YOU'VE MADE US ALL CONFUSED AND
NERVOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE LIKE AN UBER DRIVER WHO
HAS TAKEN OUR COUNTRY WAY OFF THE GOOGLE MAPS ROUTE, AND AT
FIRST WE HOPED YOU JUST KNEW A SHORT CUT, BUT THEN YOU OPENED
YOUR MOUTH, AND WE REALIZED YOU'RE INSANE.
NOW WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH YOU, AND WE JUST HAVE TO HOPE WE
DON'T DIE ON THE WAY TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY WE DIDN'T EVEN
WANT TO GO TO.
ALSO, YOU'RE TAKING US TO THE WRONG KANSAS CITY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) OH, YES!
WORTH IT!
WHEW!
I SPENT A LOT OF THIS WEEKEND BAKING.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU FOLLOW MY TWITTER FEED BUT I BAKED A LOT.
COOKING IS A GOOD WAY TO DEAL WITH STRESS.
AND WITH BAKING, ONCE ITS IN THE OVEN, YOU CAN JUST CURL UP IN
THE FETAL POSITION UNTIL THE BELL RINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: I NEEDED THE STRESS-BAKING
BECAUSE OF MY EXISTENTIAL DREAD OVER THE SENATE'S SHAM TRIAL,
AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT
IMPEACH."
>> PEOPLE ARE FLUSHING TOILET 10 TIMES, 15 TIMES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NICE.
THAT'S NICE.
TODAY THE SENATE HEARD CLOSING ARGUMENTS FROM BOTH SIDES, AND
ADAM SCHIFF CLOSED STRONG, EXPLAINING WHY TRUMP WON'T EVER
CHANGE.
>> TRUMP COULD OFFER ALASKA TO THE RUSSIANS IN EXCHANGE FOR
SUPPORT IN THE NEXT ELECTION OR DECIDE TO MOVE TO MAR-A-LAGO
PERMANENTLY AND LET JARED KUSHNER RUN THE COUNTRY.
>> STEPHEN: WOW.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WOW.
NOT EVEN IN ADAM SCHIFF'S WORST NIGHTMARE DO ERIC AND DON JR.
GET ANY RESPONSIBILITY.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
(AS ERIC) "QUICK, DON!
QUICK, DON!
ADAM SCHIFF IS TALKING ABOUT WHO DAD WOULD GIVE POWER TO!
AAAAAND... DAMN IT!
DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE TO CALL JARED DADDY?"
( LAUGHTER ) SCHIFF CALLED ON THE SENATORS'
TO DO THE MORAL THING, AND RISE ABOVE THEIR CORRUPT LEADER.
>> I DO NOT ASK YOU TO CONVICT HIM BECAUSE TRUTH OR RIGHT OR
DECENCY MATTERS NOTHING TO HIM, BUT BECAUSE WE HAVE PROVEN OUR
CASE AND IT MATTERS TO YOU.
TRUTH MATTERS TO YOU.
RIGHT MATTERS TO YOU.
YOU ARE DECENT.
HE IS NOT WHO YOU ARE.
>> STEPHEN: THOUGH I UNDERSTAND WHY THEY MAY THINK THEY ARE
TRUMP.
AT THIS POINT, IT'S HARD TO TELL WHERE HIS ASS ENDS AND THEIR
LIPS BEGIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE'S WHY THINGS LOOK GRIM FOR SCHIFF'S ARGUMENT: ON FRIDAY,
THE SENATE VOTED AGAINST CALLING WITNESSES IN THE IMPEACHMENT
TRIAL 51-49.
TOUGH WEEKEND ALL AROUND FOR 49-ERS.
( LAUGHTER ) EVER SINCE THE VOTE, REPUBLICANS
HAVE BEEN COMING UP WITH LAME EXCUSES.
LIKE ALASKA SENATOR AND WOMAN AMAZED THAT THE CRUISE SHIP
MAGICIAN TOOK HER PEARLS, LISA MURKOWSKI.
( LAUGHTER ) SENATOR MURKOWSKI ANNOUNCED ON
FRIDAY SHE WOULD BE VOTING AGAINST
WITNESSES, EXPLAINING, "I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT
THERE WILL BE NO FAIR TRIAL IN THE SENATE.
I DON'T BELIEVE THE CONTINUATION OF THIS PROCESS WILL CHANGE
ANYTHING.
IT IS SAD FOR ME TO ADMIT THAT, AS AN INSTITUTION, THE CONGRESS
HAS FAILED."
NO, IT HASN'T.
SENATE REPUBLICANS HAVE FAILED.
AND YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE!
THOUGH, I WILL SAY THIS, NICE TRY.
PUTTING IT IN THE PASSIVE VOICE DOESN'T MAKE YOU INNOCENT.
YOU CAN'T POOP IN THE SOFT SERVE MACHINE AND THEN SAY: "IT IS SAD
FOR ME TO ADMIT, THE INSTITUTION OF FROYO HAS FAILED."
( LAUGHTER ) ANYBODY WANT A CONE?
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WE FOUND THE LINE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE OTHER KICK IN THE OLD
DEMOCRA-SACK WAS GIVEN BY TENNESSEE SENATOR, AND
WORST-CASE SCENARIO STEPHEN COLBERT, LAMAR ALEXANDER.
ALEXANDER SAYS HE THINKS THAT THE HOUSE PROVED TRUMP IS
GUILTY, BUT VOTED NOT TO HAVE WITNESSES ANYWAY.
HE TRIED TO EXPLAIN HIS DECISION ON MEET CHUCK WITH PRESS TODD:
>> HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.
AND I SAID HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.
AND NOW I THINK IT'S UP TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO SAY, "OKAY
GOOD ECONOMY, LOWER TAXES CONSERVATIVE JUDGES, BEHAVIOR
THAT I MIGHT NOT LIKE, CALL TO UKRAINE."
WEIGH THAT AGAINST ELIZABETH WARREN OR BERNIE SANDERS AND
PICK A PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, BUT RIGGING THE WAY WE PICK THE PRESIDENT IS
WHAT TRUMP'S BEING IMPEACHED FOR.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE HIM OF CHEATING AT
POKER?!
HE WILL NOW PROVE HE'S INNOCENT BY CHEATING YOU AT POKER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALEXANDER ALSO -- ( PIANO RIFF )
ALEXANDER ALSO HAD A SUGGESTION FOR HOW THE PRESIDENT SHOULD
INVESTIGATE HIS POLITICAL RIVALS MOVING FORWARD:
>> WHAT THE PRESIDENT SHOULD HAVE DONE WAS, IF HE WAS UPSET
ABOUT JOE BIDEN AND HIS SON AND WHAT THEY WERE DOING IN UKRAINE
HE SHOULD HAVE CALLED THE ATTORNEY GENERAL AND TOLD HIM
THAT AND LET THE ATTORNEY GENERAL HANDLE IT THE WAY THEY
ALWAYS HANDLE CASES THAT INVOLVE PUBLIC FIGURES.
>> AND WHY DO YOU THINK HE DIDN'T DO THAT?
>> MAYBE HE DIDN'T KNOW TO DO IT.
>> STEPHEN: (AS ALEXANDER) "LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, CHUCK.
MAYBE THE GUY WITH THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES IS A COMPLETE
IDIOT."
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE LEARNING A LOT OF WEIRD
THINGS ABOUT TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM.
TAKE TRUMP DEFENSE ATTORNEY, AND SPOKESMAN FOR CREST YELLOW
STRIPS, ALAN DERSHOWTIZ.
( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT, TRUMP APPROACHED
DERSHOWITZ TO BE ON HIS IMPEACHMENT DEFENSE TEAM ON
CHRISTMAS EVE, IN THE BUFFET LINE AT MAR-ALAGO.
HOW LAZY IS TRUMP?
(AS TRUMP) "OKAY, I CAN'T BE IMPEACHED.
I NEED THE BEST LAWYERS...
IN THIS BUFFET LINE.
( LAUGHTER ) DERSHOWITZ, YOU'RE IN.
I ALSO NEED A GOOD SURGEON.
HOW ABOUT YOU MEAT SLICER GUY?
OKAY, AND THE NEW SECRETARY OF THE NAVY IS -- UNLIMITED SHRIMP.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, UNLIMITED SHRIMP ."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.
SOME HOT FUDGE.
( PIANO RIFF ) AT FIRST, DERSHOWITZ SAID NO,
TELLING THE PRESIDENT THAT HIS WIFE WOULD NOT BE PLEASED.
ALTHOUGH, IF YOU'RE ALAN DERSHOWITZ'S WIFE, I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE EVER PLEASED.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
JAMES TAYLOR IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, TRIUMPH, THE INSULT COMIC DOG GOES TO
WASHINGTON.
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?