When do I know that divorce is actually a better option than trying to work it out?
Nobody gets married to get divorced, but when things start to go wrong.
What are my choices? What are my options? I'm Dr Paul Jenkins, I'm
a professional psychologist with about three decades of clinical experience,
including 13 years of child custody evaluations for the court. These are cases where bitter,
angry, divorcing people can't figure out how to share their kids, and it's messy.
Honestly, that is yuck work. But I've learned a lot and I want to share with you what I've
learned about making that choice. So let's start where it all started in the first place.
Two lovely people on a path together. Don't judge me. I'm a psychologist,
not an artist. But this is where things started. For whatever reason, you decided,
hey, this is gonna be better together than apart. So you jumped on this path together. Well,
where is this path leading? Why did you get on this path in the first place?
Our goal at the end of this path is whatever this star represents to you,
and for most people that I talked to, they assumed that this path together would help them achieve
joy, happiness, a better life. That's why people get on the path in the first place.
So I'm going to label this star joy, and isn't that what it's all about in the first place?
So what happened? Usually as we're going along this path, things go relatively well
and we just kind of move on through life. But there are times when a giant appears.
Look at this big, scary giant that appeared right in the middle of the path. It's as if he's
blocking away and saying, none shall pass. Telling you that you don't get to have the joy that you
signed up for in the first place. Now, what is the giant? The giant represents whatever it is that's
getting in your way of achieving the happiness that you signed up for in the first place.
The giant sometimes is a financial issue. Occasionally it's a health problem. It
might be an addiction, it might be infidelity,
whatever it is that giant is now big and bullying and intimidating and blocking your
path. I've worked with a lot of families who have tried everything they know to do to take down the
giant, and there it is, still there after sometimes years of trying to take it down.
So what do you do and how do you know
whether divorce is a better option than trying to work it out? Let's take a look at our options.
I'm going to draw a path that goes around the giant, and this path could go around on the top
side or on the bottom side. Do you see this path? So we're going to take a detour around
the giant and we can go this way or we can go that way, but our objective is still the same.
At the end of the day, what do we want? Joy, happiness, and for me, this is the
only non-negotiable element here. I don't want to sign on for misery, and I don't want any of
my clients to do that either. See, some people get it in their head that if they stay together,
they have to be miserable. And some people say, well, if we split up then I'll be miserable.
Misery is not a very good outcome.
What if we stay committed to this one and we see if we can take a path around this giant
that allows us to get to joy? In almost 30 years of clinical experience and working with couples,
I have found that there are certain principles that allow us to guarantee the outcomes.
Now, I know that sounds a little bold, but listen to what I'm saying here. There are principles that
guarantee the outcomes. Look, it's not magic and it's not luck. When we apply the correct
principles, we can save and enrich our key relationships. Those principles are the path
that will lead us to success, and let's label this path the together path.
Because our basic two options here are to do this together, which is
usually known as working it out, working things through, making it work. You've heard these
phrases before or the separate path. Let's label this one separate. You'll notice that either way
our objective is still the same. We're still going for joy. We're gonna do it together. We're gonna
do it separate. I shared with you that I've found that there are principles that allow us
to successfully go the together route. Now let me clarify where I'm coming from here. I
have been in practice now for almost three decades. As a professional psychologist,
you can't shock me. I have heard some of the darnedest crap you can imagine
with people who come into my office and their giants are sometimes huge,
immovable giants. I've heard it. Whatever it is that you're dealing with, I've probably heard
some version of that. Now, I don't say that to brag. I say that to put this into context,
because in 30 years of clinical experience and over half a century on the planet,
I have found that these principles are guaranteed.
You might have had your little skepticism meter go off when a psychologist gave you a guarantee.
Look, the principles are guaranteed whether you actually apply them or not that's a different
story. These principles that allow us to have a successful experience together, and there are nine
of them, nine. This list is one that I have become
so familiar with and I want you to have these principles.
So before we go any farther, will you go get them? Go to the URL that's on the screen
drpauljenkins.com/9principles. The number nine, the word principles,
and I will put these into your hands. It's just a list of the nine principles. You need to know
these because these are the principles that will allow you to work it out working together.
Now, at this point, I have to do a little disclaimer because marriage is a team sport.
You can't do it all on your own. It takes both of you to work it out and it can be done according to
those nine principles. But here's the trap that I see a lot of people get into.
They get into a mindset or thinking that we could work this out if my spouse would just, whatever.
Okay, and you're usually right if my spouse would be more forgiving, if my spouse would
be more compassionate or have more respect for me. All three of those, by the way,
are on the list of nine principles, respect and forgiveness and compassion. The problem
with that kind of thinking, is that as soon as we identify what somebody else could do better,
they feel criticized, they become defensive, and then there's a counter attack and we're
off to the races with what John Gottman called the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I've talked about that in some of our other videos here on the channel. For
this to be effective, those nine principles have to be applied
personally. So, even if your spouse isn't on board with this, you can make things better
by applying those nine principles. Now, I gave you a way to get 'em go to
drpauljenkins.com/9principles and then you'll have 'em, because I want to invite
you at this point to memorize them. Memorize the nine principles. I give my clients this assignment
all the time. You have to have your tools on board if you're going to actually work it out,
and these are the tools. Okay.
Now I know some of you are just wondering what are they? I'll give them to you. We're not gonna spend
a lot of time going over the nine principles, but I want you to have 'em. Positivity,
values, meaning shared values of purpose for the relationship in the first place.
Humility, which I define as giving up your need to be right in exchange for being open.
One of my colleagues said, you can be right or you can be married.
That's kind of funny and probably true. Forgiveness, respect, love,
compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities, which is the only one, by the way,
that has three words in it, and they're all three important. I work in a very conservative religious
area, and some people delete the second word, recreational wholesome activities.
Come on folks, we gotta be having fun or else we're doing it wrong. And I've been to Vegas
I know that there are recreational activities that are not particularly wholesome and they're
not going to help you save your marriage. So those are your nine principles. Go get 'em,
print 'em out, put 'em up somewhere where you can see 'em and memorize 'em.
Here's a little disclaimer. I already said marriage is a team sport. What if I really
want to save this, but my spouse wants to separate. The together path is possible,
but it requires a unanimous vote, and I don't get to vote. I don't get
to vote about your marriage. I get to vote about mine, but not yours.
You and your spouse are the ones who get to vote. The together path requires a unanimous
vote. If either of you votes separate, then that's the path we're on. Now,
what do we do if we're on that path? I told you I've worked for 13 years in child custody
evaluation and multi-household families, so I know what it takes to be successful on this path.
And would you be surprised to learn that it's based on principles? Principles determine all of
life's outcomes, and very conveniently, there are nine Of them. Oh, how handy and you've guessed
it they're the same principles. Do you remember what I shared with you? Positivity, values,
humility, forgiveness, respect, compassion, love, work, wholesome recreational activities.
Huh? The problem is most people who get on this separate path abandon the nine principles,
and they go to things like anger and blame and hatred instead of love and compassion
and respect. The only way I know to get to joy, regardless of which path you're on,
is the application of those nine principles, and they're guaranteed.
The good news is, you can be successful on either path. Do you remember we started with a question,
how do I know when it's better to divorce or to work it out? Either one could be the
better option if you are committed to the nine principles that I've introduced
to you here today. Make sure you have a copy of those principles.
Commit them to memory because either path you end up on, that's what you're going to need.
And I don't know which one is easier, honestly, stand together and working it out or separating
and going the divorce route. I don't know. I don't think easy is on the menu at this point,
but the nine principles have to be. So, go get 'em, will ya?
drpauljenkins.com/9principles. I've got you on this. If you'll
memorize those nine principles, I can guarantee some better outcomes for you.