[Music]
have you ever stopped to think why is it
that only very few people have an
amazing relationship did they just get
lucky
are they the chosen ones perhaps I think
seriously most of us would agree
wouldn't we that great relationships
take work the problem is more often than
not we have no idea what to work on well
over the last 20 plus years now working
with countless couples we've observed
that all successful relationships every
one of them exhibit four simple yet
fundamental habits which we want to
share with you over the next 15 minutes
or so the great news is that these are
habits that we can all learn and develop
and when we do we significantly increase
our chances of having one of those
amazing relationships if we don't
chances are you probably never will
every failing relationship we've ever
seen has lacked one or more of these
habits as we were reminded just recently
over Sunday lunch and what a Sunday
lunch that was we invited well we met
this couple socially connected well with
them because we shared similar city
backgrounds let's call them Rachel and
Steve so we invited them to have lunch
with us to discuss the business that
Steve wanted to launch but as we ate and
chatted which started sensing that
Rachel wasn't happy at all so I leaned
across and I said Rachel what do you
think about this business idea and her
response said it all I know nothing
about this and he never discusses
anything with me so John and I just
exchanged quick glances to say this is
serious what we're going there
and then suddenly the thin wallpaper
covering the cracks just started to peel
off and I'll tumble the frustration and
the disappointment and anger and the
fact that Steve was working away from
home more and more and when he did come
home on the weekends he would sleep
downstairs in the living room so far and
then Steve dropped the bomb you know
that if it wasn't for those two boys I'd
have left you a long time ago now we do
spicy food but that what's a bit more
spice than we were planning for Sunday
lunch precisely now we'll come back to
Rachel and Steve story but I guess you
already know their story is by no means
unique let me share some stats with you
with divorce rates around 40% in much of
the developed world and cohabiting
couples breaking up at much higher rates
of 60 to 70 percent the stats tell us
that around half 50% of all long-term
couples simply not doing the distance
now what that tells us and don't look
around now but either you or the person
sitting right next to you is a Rachel or
Steve it is that's that's the reality
now this emotional trauma is also
spilling over and impacting our mental
health in their 2016 report the Mental
Health Foundation issued the stark
warning that the absence of quality
relationships is get this it's killing
us faster than obesity and lack of
exercise and all of this is having an
impact on the next generation as well
research out of the marriage foundation
has shown that the single biggest
predictor of teenage mental health let's
guess what family breakdown their
research goes on to show that where
couples separate the children are 10 to
15 percent more likely to have mental
health problems than where the couple
stays together
these are big numbers now all of this
goes to explain why the epicenter of
Mental Health today is currently in our
16 to 24 year olds that's where it is
and of course none of this is without
cost family breakdown in the UK it's
costing us UK taxpayers a whopping 51
billion pounds a year it's a huge number
it's almost half what it costs to run
the entire National Health Service
relationship breakdown is a huge huge
problem it is and to solve a problem of
this scale borrowing a phrase from
medical science what we need are better
fences at the top of the cliffs rather
than just more ambulances at the bottom
and in relationship land these four
habits are strong fences you see all
relationships go over a similar set of
hurdles triggered by life events it
could be setting up house together
or having that first baby or in a work
context being promoted to positions that
involve or demand more time away from
home and so these hurdles show up as
unmet expectations poor conflict
resolution instead styles trust and
respect issues and poor communication
outside of abusive relationships success
comes from being equipped to get over
these hurdles smoothly because stumbling
at hurdle after hurdle just leads to
frustration and when people feel
frustrated and stuck with nowhere way
forward they end up going their separate
ways our experience over the last 20
years confirms that mastering these four
habits get you over the hurdle it's not
about being perfect we're not perfect
but it is about being intentional in
developing the habits shall we share the
habits okay absolutely so the first of
the habits then
be curious not critical helps you get
over the hurdle of frustration that
comes from unmet expectations and we
learned this one ourselves the hard way
our story goes all the way back to
thirty years ago when we first met at
business school when Andrew came to the
UK to get her master's and ended up
getting him her mr. as well and don't
don't let the current hairstyle fool you
that was me back then anyway a few years
on we set up in business together and it
took us all of about three months before
the wheel started to come off because
very quickly realized there are
different work styles were grating
against each other now and because now
we had all our eggs in one basket
the financial pressure was just huge on
us so everything became a problem even
simple things now for some couples it's
the toilet seat up or down for us the
single biggest predictor was the state
of our desks one was very organized yeah
and one was more like organized chaos
shall we say and the challenge the
problems would happen arguments when we
had to swap desks to use the single
desktop computer that we had this is 25
years ago but now because we're together
24/7 the problems will follow us home so
many a night was spent in tension you
know hugging the edge of the mattress
rather than each other so forget about
any physical action we weren't even
touching toes back then you talked about
wallpaper over the cracks now it was
Einstein who said you cannot solve a
problem with the same level of thinking
that got you there so in desperation we
looked around we said yeah how can we
change these mindsets that we have and
we came across a material that helped us
understand that actually our biggest
source of frustration was really just
our strengths just unrecognized
unappreciated and out of balance so
habit number one be curious not critical
it's all about investing the time to
and how were wired differently so that
we can learn to play to our strengths
rather than waste time and energy
criticizing differences so given these
differences habit number two be careful
not crushing helps us get over the
hurdle of poor conflict resolution
styles our natural fight or if fight or
flight responses a very me Center it's
about looking after me and my interests
rather than being off-centered so we
need to literally reprogram these
automatic responses by developing the
skills and habits that allow us to turn
out better to conflict situations to
take care of each other through the
process to work towards genuine genuine
resolutions no matter how angry we might
be with each other one of the
disciplines that we developed was to set
ground rules which are boundaries that
would control our behavior in conflict
situations so that we didn't keep
falling at this hurdle over and over
again for example we agreed we would
never hit each other we would never walk
up the house in anger and we would never
threaten divorce just to be spiteful
let's face it we're going to disappoint
and frustrate each other from time to
time anybody who says they never argue
either lack passion or they are lying
through their teeth but habit to be
careful not crushing helps us learn how
to work together argue well treat each
other with care and come out stronger
together for sure and habit number three
ask don't assume helps you get over the
hurdle of frustration that comes from
mistrust and disrespect that can creep
into relationships so back to Rachel and
Steve it turns out their single biggest
challenge was different perceptions of
respect in their relationship although
they came from the same cultural
background Steve had grown up with a
very traditional mindset and his
expectation was that his wife would be
like
and do for him like mom did for dad in
fact more than that he expected that
Rachel will become best friends with his
mom and learn how to be his ideal wife
that way Rachel on the other hand she's
thinking on what planet because in her
mind they were never going to have a
relationship that looked anything
remotely like Steve's mum and dads now
recognizing that they needed additional
information to reframe the challenges in
their minds we shared with them some
material around mutual respect and how
to agree roles and responsibilities in
the different seasons of life and we
were blown away when literally before
the week was out Steve sent me a text to
say you know thank you so much this has
really helped us unblock some challenges
and have a real proper conversation in
years so habit number three really is
about getting good at having those
courageous conversations that see us
asking and discussing rather than
assuming and stereotyping and that leads
us neatly onto habit number four connect
before you correct which is about
learning how to communicate real value
and appreciation and holding back on our
insatiable need to give constructive
feedback when you live and work with
somebody day in day out it is so easy to
take them for granted and just to be
constantly on their back but as the
saying goes people go where they feel
welcomed but stay where they feel valued
so we need to be deliberate about
finding meaningful specific ways that
build warmth in the relationship and
that can sometimes be simply breaking
the routine for us we've been known to
disappear in the middle of the working
day to go to the movies after a period
of intense workshop delivery and 25
years on we still take date night
seriously to keep the fun and the
anticipation and the intimacy in the
relationship otherwise we risk losing
the magic and just become functional
around the grind of work and talking
about children and cooking and laundry
and we signed up for more than that so
habit number four
connect before you correct oh no let's
be real before I say that if we get
really good at connecting in our routine
conversations guaranteed you'll be
connecting in the bedroom as well so
number four Connect before you correct
it's about being deliberate about
shifting that balance to connecting
before we correct each other now listen
we're not sharing these habits just as
nice to have these four habits can
literally save lives let me share with
you how Rachel and Steve story almost
ended we met up with them two weeks
later for a coffee and from their body
language we could tell they were in a
much better place they were holding
hands they were laughing things were
good
but as they opened up and shared about
the experience we were rocked when
Rachel in describing her emotional laws
just paused and said you know I found
myself thinking that if Steve did go
ahead with a divorce
I just write him a letter tell him to
look after the boys and walk in front of
a bus but for a chance conversation with
us and a bit of information tragedy
could have struck our friends right
under our noses and so reality hit
really hard that day relationship
breakdown can literally kill us we're
happy to report that Rachel and Steve
continue to do well but we asked
ourselves the question how many Rachel's
are we missing and with this growing
concern over mental health and
well-being
why is relationship equipping still left
to chance
exactly we all invest in the things that
we value
our education our homes our pensions
even so what in the world is stopping us
from investing in our relationships what
would the world look like if everyone
was practicing these habits of being
more curious than critical more careful
than crushing of asking rather than
assuming and of connecting more than we
correct here's the thing when we all
start developing and practicing these
habits not only do we significantly
increase the chances of our
relationships surviving but now we begin
to thrive as individuals as families as
companies as nations and if we can each
just take responsibility for developing
these habits in our own relationships
together maybe just maybe we'll leave
the world a better place for the
generations to come
[Applause]