NOW, JAMES COMEY IS BACK IN THE NEWS AGAIN.
COMEY STORIES NOW ARE THE NEW "IS JENNIFER ANNISTON PREGNANT?"
THIS NEW STORY GOES BACK TO LAST JULY, BACK COMEY WAS STILL THE
F.B.I. DIRECTOR, AND WE WERE ALL 80 YEARS YOUNGER.
BACK THEN, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ELECTION, HE TOOK THE
UNPRECEDENTED STEP OF HOLDING A PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE THE
F.B.I. HAD FOUND NO CRIMINAL CONDUCT IN THE HILLARY
CLINTON EMAIL INVESTIGATION, BUT THAT SHE HAD BEEN A VERY, VERY
BAD SECRETARY OF STATE.
BAD CLINTON.
NOBODY KNEW WHY COMEY DID IT, UNTIL NOW, BECAUSE "THE
WASHINGTON POST" REPORTED THAT COMEY BASED HIS DECISION ON A
"RUSSIAN DOCUMENT NOW VIEWED WITHIN THE F.B.I. AS UNRELIABLE
AND POSSIBLY A FAKE."
COMEY, COMEY FELL FOR FAKE NEWS!
HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN THE DOCUMENT'S RETURN ADDRESS WAS
"12 ACTUAL AVENUE, TRUTHBURG, REALTUCKY, USA."
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, APPARENTLY-- ALL THE STAMPS.
APPARENTLY-- AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS HAPPENS.
THERE'S A LOT ABOUT THE STORY I DON'T GET.
APPARENTLY, THE RUSSIANS SENT THE F.B.I. A FAKE INTELLIGENCE
REPORT ABOUT ATTORNEY GENERAL LORETTA LYNCH ASSURING THE
CLINTON CAMPAIGN THAT THE EMAIL INVESTIGATION WOULD NOT PUSH TOO
DEEPLY.
COMEY WAS THEN WORRIED THAT HILLARY CLINTON WAS IMPROPERLY
PRESSURING SOMEONE TO DROP AN INVESTIGATION-- WHICH, IN
HINDSIGHT, MAKES HER SEEM VERY PRESIDENTIAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH, SURE, WHY NOT?
AND WHEN COMEY READ THE FAKE REPORT, HE BELIEVED HE HAD TO
COME FORWARD "BECAUSE HE FEARED THAT IF LYNCH ANNOUNCED NO
CHARGES AGAINST CLINTON, AND THEN THE SECRET DOCUMENT LEAKED,
THE LEGITIMACY OF THE ENTIRE CASE WOULD BE QUESTIONED."
SO HE DID IT, CLINTON LOST, AND NOW ONLY THE LEGITIMACY OF THE
ENTIRE ELECTION IS IN QUESTION.
SO THAT'S IT.
COMEY FELL FOR A FAKE EMAIL. BUT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE LANDED ON HIS FEET.
I HEAR HE'S EARNING $2,000 A WEEK WORKING FROM HOME ON HIS
LAPTOP.
YEAH.
I JUST-- THERE ARE SO MANY COMEY STORIES.
THEY'RE AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT JAMES COMEY.
FIRST, HE SEEMS LIKE HE'S A GOOD GUY, THEN HE SEEMS LIKE HE'S A
BAD GUY, THEN IT SEEMS LIKE HE SACRIFICED HIMSELF TO SAVE OTHER
PEOPLE OH, MY GOD.
IS JAMES COMEY SEVERUS SNAPE?
ARE WE GOING TO FIND OUT HE LOVED US ALL ALONG?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NO?
NO.
I'M BEING TOLD NO.
I'M BEING THOALD, THAT, NO, HE IS NOT SEVERUS SNAPE.
ONE POSITIVE THING FOR THE ADMINISTRATION IS THAT WHILE
TRUMP IS OVERSEAS DEALING WITH THE OTHER LEADERS OVER THERE, HE
IS LESS LIKELY-- HE IS TOO BUSY TO SAY DUMB STUFF TO GET HIM
INTO TROUBLE.
LUCKILY, HIS STAFF HAS STEPPED UP TO DO IT ON HIS BEHALF,
STARTING WITH HUD SECRETARY AND MAN COUNTING HOW MANY BLACK
PEOPLE THERE ARE IN THE CABINET, BEN CARSON.
DR. CARSON DID A RADIO INTERVIEW RECENTLY FOR SIRIUS RADIO, AND
HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT THE STATE OF POVERTY IN AMERICA:
>> I THINK POVERTY, TO A LARGE EXTENT, IS ALSO A STATE OF MIND.
>> Stephen: YES, POVERTY IS A STATE OF MIND.
NO, NO.
THIS IS TRUE.
DO YOU KNOW IN MANY STATES, IT'S LEGAL TO PAY YOUR RENT WITH
OPTIMISM.
IT'S NOT IN REALITY, BUT IT IS UP HERE.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE WENT ON.
>> YOU TAKE SOMEBODY WHO HAS THE RIGHT MINDSET, YOU CAN TAKE
EVERYTHING FROM THEM AND PUT THEM ON THE STREET.
I GUARANTEE YOU, IN A LITTLE WHILE, THEY'LL BE RIGHT BACK UP
THERE.
AND YOU TAKE SOMEBODY WITH THE WRONG MINDSET, YOU CAN GIVE THEM
EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD, THEY'LL WORK THEIR WAY BACK DOWN TO THE
BOTTOM.
>> Stephen: YEAH, IT'S ALL ABOUT MINDSET.
I MEAN, REMEMBER THE GREAT DEPRESSION WHEN AMERICA HAD A
CASE OF THE BLAHS?
LOOK AT THIS DEBBIE DOWNER.
COME ON!
TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN, LITTLE LADY.
WHY NOT LOOK AT THE BOWL AS HALF FULL OF DUST?
( LAUGHTER ) AND SPOOKING OF THE
ADMINISTRATION, WE JUST LEARNED AN IMPORTANT DETAIL ABOUT DONALD
TRUMP.
HE HAS DICHED HIS ANDROID PHONE IN FAVOR OF AN iPHONE WITH ONE
APP-- TWITTER.
JUST THE ONE.
I GUESS I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
WHAT APPS DID I EXPECT HIM TO HAVE, "WORDS WITH FRIENDS"?
HE MIGHT HAVE FRIENDS, BUT HE DOES NOT HAVE WORDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND TRUMP IS SUCH CONSTANT AND
ALL-ENCOMPASSING NEWS NOT EVEN DISNEY WORLD CAN ESCAPE
HIS GRAVITATIONAL PULL.
YOU KNOW DISNEY'S HALL OF ANIMATRONIC PRESIDENTS?
YOU KNOW, WHERE THE PRESIDENTS GET UP AND THEY TALK?
WELL, SOURCES SAY DISNEY WORLD WILL OVERHAUL THE HALL OF
PRESIDENTS TO KEEP DONALD TRUMP FROM SPEAKING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR,
MAKES NO DIFFERENCE WHO YOU ARE ORIGINALLY, THE ONLY PRESIDENTS
WHO SPOKE WERE WASHINGTON AND LINCOLN, BUT THAT CHANGED 25
YEARS AGO.
NOW, WHOEVER IS CURRENTLY PRESIDENT ALSO HAS A FEW LINES.
THAT STARTED IN 1993 WITH BILL CLINTON.
I BELIEVE HIS FIRST WORDS WERE, "HEY, SLEEPING BEAUTY, YOU UP?"
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: BUT TRUMP HAS SAID SO MANY OUTRAGEOUS THINGS THAT
PETITIONS ARE CIRCULATING INSISTING THAT DISNEY'S
ROBO-TRUMP SHOULD NOT SPEAK.
ONE PETITION HAS OVER 14,000.
ANOTHER SAYS, "EVEN CLOSING DOWN THE HALL OF PRESIDENTS IS
BETTER THAN ADDING DONALD TRUMP."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THEN-- BUT THEN WHAT?
BUT THEN WHAT WOULD THEY DO WITH THE TRUMP ROBOT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF THE RUMORS OUT OF THAT RUSSIAN HOTEL ARE
TRUE, HE'D FEEL RIGHT AT HOME ON SPLASH MOUNTAIN.
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
KEEP IT LIGHT.
ONE THING'S FOR SURE, IF DISNEY DOESN'T ADD DONALD TRUMP TO THE
HALL OF PRESIDENTS, THEY SHOULD AT LEAST ADD HIS HANDS TO "IT'S
A SMALL WORLD."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.