Hello, friends!
Today we are going to be talking about what ESFPs need in relationships.
And as you can see,
I am filming this on the same day as I filmed my genie video.
Hence the makeup, hence the hair.
You can watch that video here.
If you have an ESFP in your life or if you are an ESFP
I hope that you learn something from this video.
Obviously, knowing MBTI helps us to understand different cognitive functions
that different types use.
Which means that we can understand people's natural tendencies, their needs,
their sorts of energy, as well as their blind spots.
So that's why I'm making this video, in the hope that maybe you can understand
the cognitive functions of the ESFP and how that influences their needs
and where they get their energy and what they sort of look for/need in relationships.
Obvious disclaimer: This is mostly from my experience as an ESFP myself
though I have noticed it in other ESFPs in my life.
Obviously, I'll be talking about general tendencies that are based
on the particular cognitive function stack of the ESFP.
Which I'll put here.
There is always room for nuance
which I hope you guys will feel free to do in the comments of this video.
Number 1: Give ESFPs the space to be able to go out and experience things
within reason.
ESFPs use Extraverted Sensing as their first cognitive function,
which means that they thrive off going out and collecting, gathering
experiences in the tangible world and they get their energy from doing this.
So it's important that in relationships they feel free to be able to go out
and have their social hobbies, have their time with their friends,
play their sports, go on random hikes,
go on random other experiential journeys with people.
This is so important, I can't even stress this enough.
That's why I put it as Number 1.
Some of the best days I've ever had have just been going out
and spending the day in multiple different locations talking to 50 different people,
exploring different venues, all in the space of one day, with some loved friends.
And I always feel my most energized, my most myself, my happiest,
my most fulfilled when I'm doing that kind of thing.
So ESFPs need to feel the freedom to go and do that
and that can just look like support from you, support in the sense of you being like:
Oh! Go explore this thing you want to do
or go have some social time with your friends
or go have this hobby or here's a gift of a red balloon voucher.
I don't know if you have that.
Experiences in gifts: very important.
Number 2: Make sure that you communicate clearly.
ESFPs in general are not good at reading between the lines.
This includes your boundaries.
Make sure you're communicating your boundaries clearly
and they will also, generally speaking, if they're healthy,
be good at communicating their boundaries clearly.
They're not going to be able to guess what your boundaries are,
what you're thinking.
So I cannot stress this enough:
Clear communication.
I personally am very happy to meet an expectation
or respect a boundary if it is communicated clearly to me.
I have no issue with that,
but I cannot read between the lines.
Unless I know you very well through having multiple experiences with you
and watching how you act and communicate with people.
Number 3: Authenticity.
Know yourself, work on yourself and bring that to the relationship.
Don't be scared to be real, guys.
An ESFP, a healthy one...
I feel like I have to keep saying "a healthy one".
A healthy ESFP, with their tertiary function being Extroverted Thinking,
will not shy away from having conflict
and they might actually be good at having conflict.
Also, as an ESFP, there's nothing sadder than being real with someone,
trying to be real with them, being open and clear with communication,
showing them yourself and then finding out that that person
hasn't done the same back to you, hasn't been real with you,
hasn't communicated with you. Because we're not gonna...
We're not gonna be able to read between the lines.
Then it's kind of like:
"I was being real. Why couldn't you be real?"
Remember that our second function, which is Introverted Feeling,
values presenting our most authentic and real self to the world.
Foremost, even at the expense of harmony if necessary.
And our first function, which is Extraverted Sensing,
means that our only world, the real world to us is the tangible world.
So therefore, with the Fi and Se together, who we are is what you see.
Who we are is what you're experiencing of us, most of the time.
There's not often a lot going on behind the surface per se.
I mean, I do consider myself to have a very intense and complicated interior life.
But even so, if you asked me about that, I would be open with you
or real with you in some sense.
Number 4: Make plans into reality.
That's right, I'm talking to you NFs.
We don't get much from just discussing ideas for the sake of it.
We'll need them to actually be actualized somehow.
Brought into the real...
"real"
"tangible world".
I've said real world before. You, guys, are like:
"But my real world is the abstract world."
So I'm trying not to use "real world" when referring to the "tangible world"
but that's the real world to me so...
Bringing them into the tangible world.
This can be in terms of conversation as well.
We're very happy to discuss abstract ideas and concepts "for interest", for instance,
but we'll need them to be grounded in examples.
practical tangible examples in order to fully make sense
or understand what you're trying to say,
or get on board or really run with the conversation
and get ourselves involved in the conversation.
Number 5: Independence.
ESFPs need to feel free to follow their hearts,
desires and their goals and their impulses,
of course, within reason, as always.
Remember that with Extroverted Sensing being our first cognitive function,
we don't just get energy from being in the tangible world all the time,
but gathering experiences in the tangible world.
We thirst for the new and exciting. We love to improvise. We love spontaneity.
If we don't feel free to be able to do that
we're gonna end up feeling trapped or stifled.
In the same way that introverts might feel trapped or stifled
if they spend too much time around lots of people
or lots of external stimuli.
They can't help that about themselves. Their energy will naturally get drained.
We are very much the same in that. We can't help this about ourselves.
We need to be interacting with the world.
Number 6: Empathy.
That's right. ESFPs are Feelers, which means that we do need those 'F cues' and 'check-ins'.
We've got our Feeling Function second and our Thinking Function third,
which means that when we're emotional or we need to express something
we're gonna need our feelings to be expressed and validated
before we can enter the "T" realm of finding solutions to the problem
or talking logistically through the problem or logically through the problem.
As a Feeler, when we're feeling an emotion it takes over our entire world
and our existence and our body, in a sense,
and we'll need to get it out somehow into the tangible world, because of that Se.
Once it is out though and we feel it's been validated or heard or expressed
we can absolutely go into the T territory.
Number 7: Spontaneity and Adventure.
This goes hand in hand with what I said in point 5 about Extroverted Sensing
needing to experience things in the tangible world.
This adventure can be found through experiencing a new novel activity,
like rock painting, which is something I did in lockdown,
or just beach days or going for a hike or having a board games night.
It's also a good idea not to over plan things with ESFPs,
because in true ExxP fashion,
we like to know that we have that wiggle room.
Even if we're not going to use it, we like to know that it's there.
We like to know that we have the option of going off track
or being able to improvise.
By the way, if you're wondering what this says, it says: "Sob Rock".
Which is John Mayer's new album and it is an absolute banger.
Number 8: If you have an ESFP in your life, as a friend or a partner,
you're probably going to need to understand that they will probably
not be in contact with you for long periods of time.
So that independence we talked about before is going to apply to communication as well.
Remember with Extroverted Sensing, as our first cognitive function,
this means that we're going to be preoccupied with what is immediately in front of us
in our tangible world.
So if it's not you, you probably won't be hearing from us.
It's why we kind of suck at replying to long messages
and we'll leave you on red if you send us an essay.
We just want to answer the message message quick
and then get back to what we were doing in our "real world".
So if you're constantly contacting them
or you have these hidden or over expectations
that they're going to be contacting you X amount of times a day
or X amount of times a week or X amount of times a month,
they're probably just going to end up feeling stifled in some sense.
That being said, of course, if you communicate your needs to them,
as I said, compromise can always be reached in this area.
Number 9: Humor.
In my experience, ESFPs do not like to take life too seriously.
They do have a serious side. That's a common misconception on the internet:
"Is that we don't have a serious side."
But, I mean, for instance, my day-to-day norm is 'banter'.
95% percent of my day is banter
and then there's the 5% random Fi value that presents itself in a Te rant.
So don't go into any kind of relationship with an ESFP
hoping that they're going to "mature" or "calm down" over time.
Trust me: Just don't.
If the child like spirit is there, it's likely always going to be there
and it's great and it's endearing...
Me trying to convince myself for: Ah! It's great. It is great and it is endearing
and there are things to love about it.
Also, pro tip in general:
Not a good idea to go into any relationship hoping that the person is going to change.
And "Number 10" and the last thing that I'll talk about.
And yes, I changed the color, just because, why not?
If you've got a friend or a partner who is an ESFP,
especially if they're a little bit older,
they are likely going to have a set of weird, strange, wacky, wild
or just unique set of experiences under their belt.
Again, because Se makes us want to go out and experience things.
So if they're a bit older, they've possibly* got a story behind them.
A story that you might not be able to relate to or even understand.
Now, this is important: Their experiences don't necessarily define who they are.
So if they share their stories with you, what they're looking for is:
Attentiveness, compassion, understanding and no judgement, ideally.
Yes, I'm talking to you, you Si users out there.
Just kidding. It's not only Sis who are judgmental.
Remember that as ESFPs we have Fi second and Se first.
So in order to chisel down that Fi and work out what our values are
and who we are and our identity,
We kind of need to be experiencing things in the world.
Like testing things out in the same way that ENTPs and ENFPs need to be, like...
testing out ideas, gathering, exploring ideas to work that out.
ExxPs, Extroverted Perceivers, are gatherers and explorers
and with Ne it's going to be about ideas, abstracts possibilities.
With Se it's experiences.
So we might have all of these experiences behind us,
that you necessarily don't understand or can't make sense of,
but it's helped to form who we are today
and it's been our way through which we learn.
Se users, especially Doms, are very much experiential learners.
And just because we're Gung-Ho with our zest for life in the tangible world,
it doesn't mean that we're not sensitive.
So if we share with you invulnerability and this is important,
especially if it has to do with past wounds or past regrets,
make sure you're meeting that with that open-mindedness,
that compassion and that understanding.
I know, it's easier said than done.
But just trying to offer you some perspective here on what it's like as an Se user.
I didn't know who I was at 21. I do know who I am at 29,
but I'm telling you: I had to go through a plethora of experiences
that I wouldn't necessarily repeat in order to get here,
and that's not to say I don't regret some of the stuff that I had to go through
in order to get here, but the point is:
Those things do not define who I am today.
You know what? It's just a generally good piece of advice
to receive anyone who's vulnerable with you with compassion,
and understanding and empathy and as little judgment as possible.
So, guys, that's all I've got for you today.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching.
Please, feel free, as usual, to leave your experiences with ESFPs
or ESFP relationships down in the comments.
That includes if you are an ESFP and you have other things you'd like to add.
or other things you've noticed if you aren't an ESFP about...
what ESFPs need in relationships
or let me know your type and what you need in the comments,
because I'm not likely gonna do a video like this about all the types,
because I'm just one type.
Thanks, guys. You're the best!
Have a blessed day and I'll chat to you soon.
Bye!