WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, THANKS SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.
LOOK, I TAKE THIS JOB SERIOUSLY, BECAUSE I KNOW, AS A LATE NIGHT
HOST, I WIELD TREMENDOUS POWER.
AS MUCH AS HISTORY'S MOST RUTHLESS TYRANTS...
GENGHIS KHAN, KIM JONG-UN, AND HARRY STYLES.
( LAUGHTER ) WE ALL HAVE TWO THINGS IN
COMMON: TAYLOR SWIFT WON'T RETURN OUR CALLS, AND WE ALL
HAVE A BIG FURRY HAT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) NOW THAT THIS HAT IS UPON MY
HEAD, ALL PROCLAMATIONS I MAKE ARE NOW AND FOREVER LAW.
LET US BEGIN!
>> NOT SO FAST, STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: JOHN CHEESE!
MY FURRY HAT ADVERSARY!
MY HATVERSARY, IF YOU WILL.
( LAUGHTER ) HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE HERE
AGAIN?
>> I'LL SHOW YOU MORE THAN MY FACE!
I'LL SHOW YOU MY HAT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
MY HAT DECREES THAT NO HAT SHALL BE TALLER THAN MINE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> WELL PLAYED, COLBERT.
BUT MY HAT DECREES THAT NO HAT SHALL BE WIDER THAN MINE!
CLAP CLAP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LET THE MOST HAT WIN!
>> STEPHEN: LET US BEGIN!
( DRUM BEAT ) HEAR ME!
FROM THIS MOMENT ON, THE PHRASE "NO OFFENSE" IS BANNED.
IT SHALL BE REPLACED WITH THE MORE HONEST PHRASE, "I'M ABOUT
TO INSULT YOU TO YOUR FACE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> HENCEFORTH, HAMBURGER HELPER MUST ACCEPT THAT IT CAN ONLY
HELP HAMBURGER IF HAMBURGER ADMITS IT NEEDS HELP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: BE IT DECREED!
PLANET HOLLYWOOD AND THE HARD ROCK CAFE WILL COMBINE INTO A
SINGLE RESTAURANT CALLED "A YARD SALE WITH CHICKEN FINGERS."
( LAUGHTER ) >> FRANCE SHALL IMMEDIATELY GIVE
THE WORLD CUP TROPHY TO ENGLAND!
OR ELSE WE SHALL GIVE THEM BACK TO GERMANY.
( CHEERING ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: THERE MUST BE SONGS AS GOOD AS PRINCE'S "LITTLE RED
CORVETTE" FOR CARS THAT ARE NOT AS COOL.
FOR EXAMPLE: "SUBARU HATCHBACK."
( APPLAUSE ) >> IF YOU SEE ME ON THE STREET,
DO NOT YELL AT ME ABOUT "DEAD PARROTS" OR CHEESE SHOPS.
THOSE SKETCHES WERE 50 YEARS AGO, AND SINCE THEN, MY ACTUAL
PARROT DIED CHOKING ON A PIECE OF CHEESE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: I HEREBY DECREE: ANY ADULT FORCED TO RIDE "IT'S A
SMALL WORLD" MUST BE GIVEN "IT'S A LARGE GLASS OF ALCOHOL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> RESTAURANTS MUST ALSO GIVE
CRAYONS TO ADULTS.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE WOULD RATHER TALK THAN COLOR A PIRATE?
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: HENCEFORTH: ANYONE
WHO MAKES A MOVIE AS FUNNY AS "THE HOLY GRAIL" MUST PRETEND TO
ENJOY IT WHEN FANS REPEAT THEIR LINES TO THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF
ELDERBERRIES!
( LAUGHTER ) >> HOW NICE.
>> STEPHEN: THANKS!
I'M A HUGE FAN.
THE HAT HAS SPOKEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )