what to do when you are caught watching porn, i'm dr. trish leigh, cognitive neuroscientist and sex
addiction recovery coach okay so if you have been caught watching porn by your partner there are
some real fundamentals what not to do and then there's some fundamentals what to do so that
you can salvage the situation and make it as best as possible for outcomes in the future with your
partner now i talk to men all the time that have been kicked out of their house they have slept
in their cars they have had to crash on friends couches their partners won't take them back or
they they stay in this space for such a long time where they have problems with their partner and
i'm going to tell you why that happens why that devastation of years or immediate divorce happens
and it is avoidable it's absolutely avoidable for most partners that are willing to move towards a
healthier version of themselves most relationships it can be avoided okay let's dig in what not to do
so you're on your phone or your computer and your partner finds you watching porn or
she found your history and immediately you're filled with shame you're filled with uncomfortable
feelings you feel like you were busted you feel like your partner's your judge and your jury and
you do not want to fess up to this thing that you think is a problem for you and it's going to
get you in trouble so immediately what you want to do is to deny it and to run in the opposite
direction and make this problem go away so the first thing that i want to encourage you to do
is to pump the brake on your reaction and try to respond so if you consume pornography and you
have not yet been caught it is likely to happen i'm here to tell you and it happens because you
get into this narcissistic bubble and all you can think about is going back for more porn and when
you do that the defenses are laid down uh chris rock who actually advocates now for not watching
porn because he cheated on his wife and it created a big problem he had a bit back in the day
where he would say that he got caught watching porn and you know where he got caught
how his wife found out she found it in the vcr is what he said back in vcr days and the idea is
you are likely to get caught because your guard's down because your brain
is damaged and it's just just looking for the next dopamine hit so pump the brakes on your reaction
slow everything down and try to respond so when you respond what you don't want to do
is allow yourself to go into a shame cycle that you just start spitting out the defensiveness
and defending and denying so what you don't want to do is defend and deny and what happens to so
many people is they start using the isings as i called it i made an older video about this that
you can look for and the isings are justifying minimizing rationalizing so when you get caught
watching porn and you say oh it's just this or it's only that that is in fact minimizing
if you tell your partner every man watches porn that is justifying it and rationalizing it
if you say if we had more sex i wouldn't have to watch porn that's a justification and it's only
going to lead to more trouble so try not to get defensive and feel like your partner is attacking
you your partner is devastated we know from the science that it shows up as ptsd in the brains of
partners it's called sexual betrayal trauma they are traumatized by this event so they will not be
the best version of themselves either and you're going to be spiked into a shame cycle you're not
going to be the best version of yourself so try not to do these things because it will only make
things worse for both of you in the short and the long run try not to get defensive and go to ising
along with that is trying not to lie or manipulate your partner so the lies might start coming
out that you know this is the first time you've watched porn and you might be feeling your partner
out to see how much she knows and what you're going to tell her and this creates a trickle out
effect that i will talk to in a second but talk to you about in a second but you might first be going
you know i'm just gonna lie to her because i think she only knows about this time she doesn't know
about the last 28 years so you might be going okay uh you know you might just lie to her that
it popped up you know i was looking up some work stuff and it popped up in front of me
and lo and behold she's actually seen your whole activity and trust is shattered because what we
know also is that partners can deal with a man who struggles with pornography especially when they
know the neuroscience behind it they get it it's an addiction the seeds were planted when you were
young many partners is especially the healthier they are they can be cool about helping you
through a pornography addiction what they can't be cool about is being lied to and being manipulated
manipulation shows up as gaslighting and you may have learned to do it as a child many men
have they had to learn how to lie and be defensive and to manipulate the situation to keep themselves
alive when they were young and now they're using that skill that they built over time to keep
themselves out of trouble again with their partner but i'm here to tell you your partner doesn't want
you in trouble your partner just wants a great relationship if she's a healthy person so when you
manipulate her and you try to throw her off your scent by making her think that the things that
she thinks aren't real then you are literally emotionally abusing her through manipulation
and again it might be a defense mechanism and you might not be doing it maliciously
but in fact it's very damaging to your partner who i assume you care for if you're married to her and
i assume hopefully she's one of your best friends and a person that you don't want to harm so tread
lightly in this moment leave the manipulation at the door so what's the opposite of ising
and defensiveness and lies and manipulation the opposite is radical honesty it's a time to tell
the truth why would you do that if it's going to lead to relationship problems because it can
lead to rupture and repair rupture means right now you've got a problem in your relationship
you know it's been blown apart right now because your partner's freaking out and you're scrambling
but if you can use this opportunity you can come together you can leave porn behind and you can
have a better relationship than ever if the trust isn't destroyed what you do in the moment when
you're caught it defines if you are going to trash trust in your relationship or if you're going
to keep it as much as possible honesty is what keeps it so and you don't have to tell absolutely
everything in that moment but don't trickle out things with lies don't say this is the only
time i've done it just say i have a problem i've been watching porn but then do the second thing
i encourage you to do this give yourselves both time and space say this is a problem for me and i
am going to work on this but i need a little time right now and can we talk about in a lot little
while when the emotions come down and hopefully your partner will also want time and space because
she can be reeling in this moment and usually no good comes out of two people who are you know
kind of freaking out and and feeding off of each other's negative energy so when you use radical
honesty and you tell the truth about it it will lead you to empathize with your partner so your
partner might be blaming you might be shaming you again not the best version she's likely very angry
lots of stuff's probably coming out of her mouth which is why you need the time and space
but empathy can serve you think about her shoes she didn't know this was a thing and it's been
a thing for you forever it is what she considers some people consider it cheating others consider
it a secret sex life it's secrets you've been keeping from her for a long time and especially
if you've told her everything else about your life and you thought you were connected in this thing
and now you've got this whole secret thing that can be a lot for a partner to take in
give her time and space to take it in and empathize with where she's at right now and
try not to go to shame give it time and space now when you come back after time and space it's time
to use healthy communication and interactional style and of course you have to be at the point
where you are moving towards a 100 commitment i've made a video where i talk about 99 commitment will
not work on this thing you can't keep stashes of porn you can't you know have a plan in the back of
your mind that you're going to keep this going because it just doesn't work you'll you won't
move yourself through the process that you need to get to to the healthier version on the other side
so make a commitment to change join a program that will show her that you're serious about this thing
i offer my 90-day program with all the strategies and tools that you need to succeed and it's priced
at a price point if you shop around you'll find that it's one of the more affordable ones uh maybe
even the most affordable successful program that you can find out there with the right tools and
the right support but if mine doesn't feel good to you please find a program that feels good to
you that's actually going to work for you i also offer a partner program sanity afterbetrayal.com
where i help women through a process where they can understand your situation and show up as the
best version of themselves so that both of you can come back together heal your relationship
and right off into the sunset so don't default to the old mode making things worse pump the brakes
respond not react tell the truth be honest have accountability and responsibility for your
behaviors become the person who's in integrity and empathize with your partner so you can begin
to move through a healing process and the process for you is different than the process
that your partner has to go through the partner program that i developed is not the same as your
as your program so one other thing i want you to understand is that when you go through the healing
journey the work that you need to do is not the same as the work that she needs to do but they
are you know they're correlated and they go along with each other so that at the end of the journey
you're both better versions of yourself so you can come together in this thing and repair that
rupture and have a better relationship than ever before okay i hope that helps you out and
drtrishleigh.com for my programs and as always control your brain or it'll control you