-It is the end of the week, and that's usually when
I catch up on some personal stuff.
You know, I check my inbox, I return some e-mails,
and, of course, I send out Thank You Notes.
And I was just -- -[ Cheers and applause ]
I was running -- I was running a bit behind today,
so I thought if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd just like to write out my weekly Thank You Notes
right now. Is that cool?
[ Cheers and applause ]
James -- James, can I get some
Thank You Note writing music, please?
-Wow.
♪♪
-Wow. -Don't break.
-He's bringin' it for 1,500. -Yeah, he is. Yeah.
-Wow.
♪♪
-Thank you, CDC mask guidelines,
for basically just now being the shrug emoji.
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah. I don't know."
-Yeah.
♪♪
-Thank you, vaccine cards.
Sure, you might be an irreplaceable document
that I have to carry around everywhere,
but at least you're made of flimsy paper
and don't fit in my wallet.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Why would you make these gi--
-"Might go a little bigger. Just a little bigger."
-[ Laughs ] Just a little bit bigger, yeah.
♪♪
Thank you, United Airlines, for becoming the first
major carrier to require all employees to be vaccinated.
And thank you, Delta Airlines,
for continuing to hope this name thing blows over soon.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"Epsilon, please?"
♪♪
-Thank you, "Dune,"
or as I like to call you, emo "Star Wars."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, laundry-detergent commercials,
for really overestimating
how often I passionately caress my towels.
[ Applause ]
-"That's the dog's towel!"
[ Laughter ]
"I know." -"We don't have a dog."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, study that found
that headphone use can lead to loneliness.
I think I speak for all headphone users when I say...
"I'm sorry. What?"
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh, wow. Put your headphones away.
Make sure you put your earbuds away.
Oh, you play -- You're charging them.
Oh, that's good.
[ Laughter ]
Those the new ones? -What's that?
-Are those new ones?
-Yeah, you want to check them out?
-Yeah. Let me see them. -Check these out.
-Oh. Wow!
-Yeah, they're longer than the other -- the other --
Yeah, they're much longer. Yep.
-[ Grunts ] -That one has a twist on it.
-Yeah. -Yep. Stop.
No, you put it in backwards. -Oh.
-Yeah. All right. -Yep, perfect.
♪♪
Oh, there -- Do you know what I'm saying?
What do you think? -What?!
[ Laughter ]
Here. Here you go.
[ Applause ]
-Oh, wait. You're sewing them shut.
Wait!
It's pretty cool.
Wanna play with them, Tariq? Check these out.
♪♪
Well? -Wow.
-Yeah, he digs it. You like it?
-Yeah. I usually -- I just do the one ear.
-Oh, you're one of those guys. -Yeah, yeah.
-You're one of those guys. -I'm sorry?!
-You're o-- Is the other ear clogged?
-No. I'm sorry. The other ear is --
This ear's fine.
[ Laughter ]
-Give those back. -One ear is dead?
-Give those back, dude. I got to charge them up, man.
Thanks. All right. There we go.
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, traveling summer carnivals.
Nothing relaxes me on a rusty wobbly ride
like the knowledge that you guys can skip town
as quickly as possible.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
[Inhales sharply] "I think it's safe."
-"Quick! Let's get outta here!"
"Why's your car running?" "No reason."
♪♪
-Thank you, sharks,
for not going by your original name, "murder dolphins."
Thank you very much! Those are our Thank You Notes.