(cheerful music)
- [Narrator] Carol's getting ready for her date with Sandy,
a guy who is not yet her boyfriend,
because Sandy's not trying to rush into any labels.
Papa Seaver questions Sandy's intentions,
as sand often invades bodily crevices
when you least expect it.
Mama Seaver likes Sandy, Papa remains skeptical,
and Papa ain't wrong.
All Sandy wants to do is suck porch face.
Sandy won Carol's heart with a very mature dorm party,
followed by a romantic dinner for two at a dive bar.
The one with the cheap beer and free peanuts.
Sandy invites Carol to a Dean's List lunch tomorrow.
Carol says being hung over at a nerdfest sounds like a hoot,
but she's got a family brunch with grandma.
- And if I don't show up, I'll be dead.
- [Narrator] Damn Carol, that brunch sounds serious.
Sandy says it'd be nice to have his
"girlfriend"
by his side.
Oh crap, Carol, horny for commitment,
says grandma can suck waffles.
She'll be there.
Meanwhile, Ben, a pervert,
films his sister's grope-a-thon
for blackmail?
or jacking off?
Probably a jackmail combo.
Carol is busted past curfew,
but while she discreetly cloaks her sinner breath,
Mama Seaver says she's gonna let this one slide.
Cool mom alert.
Carol says Sandy finally made things girlfriend official
and she's never felt this ready
to abandon her priorities and let a man ruin her life.
Speaking of, grandma who,
gonna miss that brunch tomorrow.
Carol did not miss much.
The only event of note was Ben farted,
but while Ben was blasting ass in gram-gram's grill,
Carol got stood up!
Sandy didn't call, Sandy didn't text.
Texting doesn't even exist yet.
Shit sucks!
Ring ring.
It's Sandy's roommate Doug.
Great time for Mike to do some shtick.
ABORT shtick,
Sandy was in a car crash last night.
The gang hits the ER.
Doug says these quacks are clueless.
Sandy looks fine.
Case closed as far as detective doctor Doug is concerned.
They're only letting family in,
but Doug offers to tell the nurse
that Carol is Sandy's sister.
So go easy on the making out.
It's Long Island, not Mississippi.
Carol chand believe it.
Sandy was fine yesterday because Carol does not understand
how days or accidents work.
- Sometimes a friendly face can do more
than any medicine can.
Right Jason? - Right.
- Where the fuck did you go to med school, Jason?
Carol blows her sister story but covers
by saying she's Sandy's fiance,
which is why you really need to be careful
rushing into labels.
Sandy has had a very long, hard night.
He's banged up something fierce.
He hit a tree with his car.
Don't worry, the tree is fine
and Sandy's going to be charged with drunk driving.
Carol says they were only a little buzzed.
She was still two light beers away
from whipping out a midnight porch titty.
Sandy concurs.
He's driven way drunker, no problem, had a blast,
his luck must have run out.
Carol hospital yells at the infirmed man
with tubes up his butt
that he's in fact super lucky.
He got a second chance.
He'll never drive drunk again.
She asks if he wants anything.
- I wouldn't mind a beer.
- [Narrator] My guy.
Sandy's just joking.
He makes jokes when he's uncomfortable.
Speaking of comfort, a nice cold brew dog
would really take the edge off.
Meanwhile, Jason has joined team Sandy.
By the by, how did that sensible young graduate
of Sunny Bono Driving Academy total his car?
Carol says it was an honest mistake.
Could have happened to anyone.
He got shit faced and drove a car.
Ma and Pa Seaver do some hospital yelling.
Runs in the family.
Reprimanding Carol for being a moron,
a timeless way to get your message across to a youth.
Doug returns with snacks.
Ha,
the nurse slips on a banana.
What a fun hospital visit.
Hot damn, can't wait to tell Mike this banana story.
Oh no, Doug just called.
It's never good when Doug calls.
Sandy, he...
he fucking died,
just moments ago.
The doctors said,
could there be any more internal bleeding?
Carol freaks out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a good man?
On Long Island?
What happened to second chances?
Carol, silver lining,
you nailed it about Sandy never driving drunk again.
Things end with a sobering statistic.
29 people have been hurt or killed
by drunk drivers during this episode.
Plot twist,
30.
Double plot twist, all of them were Sandy's fault.
Thank god he's off the streets.
So what did we learn today?
You can be on the Dean's List and still love to party,
but know your limits and never drink and drive
because you will hit a tree and die from internal bleeding.
End of story, check the scoreboard.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.