For many men, it can be hard to know exactly what role we can or should play
in working towards and end to sexism
How can men help, and how much or how little should we be helping?
In this video we will explore answers to those questions and share a few suggestions for how men can
respectfully approach feminism and, critically, explain why it’s beneficial for men to be involved.
First things first, because there’s so much misinformation about feminism floating around out there
in the cultural aether, it’s useful to quickly define what that term actually means.
Feminism is a sociopolitical movement with the central goal of ending sexism and dismantling gender-based oppression.
So contrary to common misconceptions, feminism is not about “man hating” or “female supremacy.”
It’s important to note that the feminist endeavor, as it has been defined by women like bell hooks,
does not simply seek equal access for women within current systems of power, instead it seeks to
to transform these systems of power and the values associated with them.
So where do men fit into all this? Well, women have long been pointing out the ways in which
men can benefit from feminism and actively calling for men’s participation in working towards ending sexism.
As bell hooks writes in her landmark book Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center
That bears repeating:
Men are not exploited or oppressed by sexism, but there are ways in which we suffer as a result of it.
We are taught early on that boys don’t cry, that to show sensitivity or emotional vulnerability
is a sign of weakness. Men are discouraged from practicing nurturing, caregiving, compassion and compromise for the same reasons.
So there is an enormous amount of pressure placed on men to prove our manhood by acting tough,
projecting strength and repressing our emotions. This is compounded by the fact that men are often more
more admired for being aggressive, dominant and violent than for being cooperative, vulnerable or empathetic.
Not only is all of this damaging behavior encouraged in individual men,
but those same values are also reflected in our larger political and military institutions, often to disastrous effect.
So while men, as a group, are afforded gender-based privileges at the expense of women,
a byproduct of patriarchy is that it also causes real harm to men’s well being.
OK so if we’re on board with ending sexism: what specifically can we do as men to be helpful?
Here’s our quick list of 5 tips for respectfully engaging with feminism as a man.
Listen to women: It might seem obvious, but too often men have a hard time just
listening to what women have to say – and respecting women’s knowledge and experiences.
Because of the way we’re socialized to think our voices are most important, men have a tendency to interrupt
and interject ourselves into conversations and then dominate those interactions.
This behavior is so ingrained that men often don’t even realize we are doing it.
Which is why it’s critical to consciously learn to take a step back – to try not to interrupt
and instead actively listen and absorb what is being said before responding.
Now, of course, this does not then mean that you have to agree with everything every individual woman says
no one person’s perspective can ever represent all of feminism or the experiences of all women
it simply means that, as men, we’re not in a position to define feminism for women
and so, we should actively pay attention to women’s voices.
Because for so long women’s experiences, perspectives and ideas – have been dismissed, ignored and silenced.
It’s especially vital to listen to women of color particularly black and indigenous women
because as feminist scholars have long pointed out, sexism is compounded when it’s combined with racism
and/or other forms of oppression.
back in 1989, Kimberlé Crenshaw coined the term “intersectionality” as part of her theory
to describe these layered experiences that leave some women more disenfranchised by than others.
It’s important for us, as men, to acknowledge that when we talk about feminism, we follow the lead of women.
Yet while we should acknowledge that our ideas in this arena originate with women
this does not mean it is the responsibility of women to teach all men about sexism.
So we shouldn’t go around interrogating or demanding answers from women.
Instead we should instead be proactive in doing the work ourselves by committing to continuous,
lifelong learning. Luckily for us, over the past century feminist scholars have written volumes on the topic.
So with that in mind here are some suggested readings about feminism and how patriarchy operates as a social system.
Feminism is for Everybody by bell hooks is a good place to start.
Though definitely put The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love at the top of your list.
Sociologist Allan G Johnson’s book The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy is also essential reading.
As well as This Bridge Called My Back edited by Cherríe Moraga and Gloria Anzaldúa.
For those interesting reading something written in more academic language check out: Masculinities by R.W. Connell
and her follow up The Men and the Boys.
The place where men can be most helpful in regards to feminism is first within ourselves, and then amongst other men.
Patriarchy encourages men to buy into sexist thinking and at the very least remain complacent in sexism through our silence.
So instead step off the path of least resistance and dare to make yourself and other men uncomfortable about sexism.
Let other men around you know that their sexist behavior is not ok.
For example, when you stand up and say that a sexist joke is not funny
the men telling the sexist joke can no longer be assured that they will go unchallenged the next time they tell it.
In other words, those men can no longer count on other men to accept or go along with their sexism.
Interrupting the sexist status quo is a simple yet powerful thing that all men can make a difference.
If you make a comment and a woman dismisses or disagrees with you, don’t take it personally.
She doesn’t owe you anything and her disagreement does not necessarily mean that she herself is angry
or frustrated with you as an individual.
That being said, it is completely understandable for women to express anger about sexism.
Sexism should make everyone angry.
After all, most women have firsthand experience with violence, harassment or mistreatment at the hands of men.
Sometimes even from men who claim to be allies.
So don’t get defensive if individual women don’t want to engage with you, and remember
that it’s definitely not our job to police the ways women may choose to speak up about sexism or their experiences.
Men’s support of feminism should not be seen as some kind of favor to women.
As we have discussed, dismantling the system of sexism benefits people of all genders,
and moreover, men shouldn’t expect a reward for deciding not to participate in a terrible system of oppression.
Or as many feminist women have said before – you don’t get a cookie for being a decent human being!
It’s really hard to break years of socialization overnight, so messing up is inevitable.
I’ve certainly made my fair share of mistakes, the key is what you do next.
We always have a choice as to how we respond to our mistakes: be humble, examine your own actions,
acknowledge failings and continue to learn how to be better and more supportive.
Sexism is not necessarily something that’s done consciously it’s something we are socialized to think is normal,
and as such it is something we often perpetuate and participate in without meaning to.
This is why challenging ourselves and reflecting on our own actions is a vital step in the process
but remember to be compassionate and patient with yourself and keep working at it!
That was by no means an exhaustive list of advice, but it should give you a place to start.
Now if you’re feeling a little uneasy at this point that might actually be a good sign.
As men, the process of honestly reexamining our own assumptions and
questioning our participation in a system that maintains sexism, may often feel uncomfortable.
But remember that even though we as individuals didn’t create that system of patriarchy,
it does manifest itself in almost every aspect of our lives.
Which means we do have a responsibility to challenge it.
We must always recall our own potential for positive impact in the world.
And be involved in this work not out of personal guilt or shame,
but because, as we have discussed in this video, the desired outcome is ending gender oppression
and in so doing make the world better for people of all genders including men.