ALYSSA WESTRING: Nobody wants to see themselves
as the parent that is just nit picking
and totally obsessed with logistics
and keeping track of everything.
That's not why we have kids.
We didn't have kids to annoy them all day.
People know what good leadership looks like.
It's clarifying your values.
It's having conversations with stakeholders
about what's important.
It's having a vision.
All of that stuff makes a great parent.
And there's no reason to leave it in the workplace.
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We're trained to be good leaders at work,
because everybody talks about that.
And then we go home and we act like these annoying
micromanagers that we would never want to work for.
Bossing our kids and telling them you have to do this,
you have to do this, you're not doing this right.
STEWART FRIEDMAN: It's kind of akin to command and control
management.
Just do what I say and don't question me.
That's how a lot of parents treat their kids.
ALYSSA WESTRING: We know that our bosses wouldn't
act like that.
We wouldn't want our bosses to act like that.
STEWART FRIEDMAN: We know now in the modern era
that that's not the best leadership
model for most situations.
You gain a lot more engagement and better results
as a leader in the workplace when
you help people understand why we're doing
what we're doing together.
Values and vision.
And then you hear from your people
as to what it is that they want to contribute
and what they need to be able to do that well.
In other words, you ask and you listen.
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ALYSSA WESTRING: It's really important
to connect with why you became a parent in the first place.
Why did you do this?
The planet doesn't necessarily need more people.
STEWART FRIEDMAN: Well, now that you are a parent, now,
why are you a parent?
What does it mean for you to be a parent?
How does being a parent affect who you are in your work life,
how you see yourself in the world, how you see yourself
in private?
ALYSSA WESTRING: Connecting with those fundamentals
of why you became a parent recenters you,
because without that sort of mindset,
you're still in that mode of micromanagement
and logistics and coordination.
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STEWART FRIEDMAN: Prepare for and undertake
what we call stakeholder dialogues
starting with your kids.
And of course, it's a very different conversation
if your child is three, than if she's 30 or 13.
ALYSSA WESTRING: When my kids were much younger,
we decided to come up with our family values.
And I think we ended up on the words kindness, fairness,
and fun.
And at that age, fairness means--
is very simple.
You get one, your brother gets one.
And as my kids are growing older,
we're revisiting that concept of fairness.
So now at their ages, 8 and 10, we
can say fairness doesn't always mean that everybody
gets exactly the same thing.
And we can use that idea that's been in our sort of repertoire
in our vocabulary since they were really little
and it can evolve.
But it's not coming to my kids as a shock
to know what our family values are.
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When you're asking kids what they need, it isn't about,
now they're the boss and you have to do whatever they want.
STEWART FRIEDMAN: What I need is more screen time and candy
and pizza.
Well, all right, let's talk about what that means
and how that fits with the kind of family
we're trying to become and why that's a good thing for you
as well as for me.
ALYSSA WESTRING: But it is about them,
giving them a sense that they have a voice in the family
and that they can have some input.
But when they tell you what they need--
and let's say they do want--
they say I need more time on TV.
What do you say to that?
Well, now it's opening a door to you sharing your values
and how they might conflict with that.
Or how you can incorporate TV into your family
in a way that matches everyone's values.
In my own family, we have time where we watch TV together
and we find a show that all of us like.
And we can bond over it and talk about--
Survivor is our show.
What would you do in this situation?
What skills do you need?
How would you have handled this social situation?
And that's really different than two kids with headphones
on sitting on their tablets.
STEWART FRIEDMAN: Kids respond generally pretty well.
They want to be heard.
They want to have a voice.
They want to feel like they're a part of the future together.
And that they have a sense of being appreciated for the ideas
that they have and the needs that they have.
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There's always a surprise.
Because you discover that the way
your kids see you is different than how
you thought they see you.
And you learn some new things about what they really need.
ALYSSA WESTRING: We had one great family
that we worked with.
It was a single dad and he asked his son--
STEWART FRIEDMAN: The boy was around six--
ALYSSA WESTRING: --what do you need from me?
What do you want from me?
And he said, I want you to teach me stuff.
STEWART FRIEDMAN: His son wanted to learn a new skill.
ALYSSA WESTRING: I want to learn from you.
And the dad was like-- his mind was blown.
And he was like, OK, what do you want to learn?
And the son said, I want to learn to vacuum.
STEWART FRIEDMAN: That was a surprise.
It's something that he'd seen being done.
Like he was take care of something in the house.
Wow, you want to learn how to vacuum?
OK.
Father never thought about that before.
But it turned out to be a great project for them
to work on that.
ALYSSA WESTRING: It was such a small moment to say,
here's what I want our relationship to look like.
Here's what I need from you.
And in general, the couples that we work with,
the people we work with are really surprised by the answers
that they get and how thoughtful they are.
I think a lot of us go into this expecting
the kids to say, I need more presents,
I need more junk food.
And the answers are much deeper and much more clearer.
Things like, I need you to put away your phone
when you're talking to me.
I need you to be here.
I need you to listen to my problems.
I need you to give me advice.
I need you to support me in this way or not criticize this.
At all age ranges, the answers are pretty profound.
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STEWART FRIEDMAN: On its surface,
it might seem like you're dehumanizing
or perhaps objectifying the work that is family life.
But that's not typically what happens.
The groundwork is in, let's get to know each other better
and what we really care about and trying to do--
and what we are trying to do here together.
And to see where we are not doing as well as we can.
And to communicate about how we can
take our current reality with a clearer view of it,
and make it better.
Which is after all, the work of leadership.
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