-And I was just running a bit behind today.
I thought, if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd just like to write out my
weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that cool with you guys? [ Cheers and applause ]
James, can I get some
thank-you-note-writing music, please?
♪♪
He's always in such a good mood during the holidays.
Always so cheery during the holidays.
-Cheery. He's like Mr. Holiday.
-He's like Mr. Holiday, yep. -Jimmy Champagne.
[ Horn blows ]
-There we go.
Thank you, whoever invented eggnog, for saying,
"You know what would get this party started?
Four raw eggs and a pint of bourbon."
Thank you, watching my kids build a snowman,
for making me realize I did a terrible job
teaching my kids what human beings look like.
Kind of three balls. -What?
-Not bad. -What did you say?
-Three...three balls, but I was talking about...
like, a snowman. -Yeah. Oh, yeah. Of course.
Yeah, snowman.
Sure.
Yeah.
-Like, you get, like, the -- -Sure. Yep. Yeah.
-Like snowmen. -Yeah, exactly. Three balls.
-Yeah. What did you think I was saying?
-Nothing. I thought it was a snowman.
-How did you know it was a snowman?
-Because you drew the snowman right there, right?
-Thank you, Kriss Kringle, for sounding like a stage name
Santa would use if he was a Chippendales dancer.
-There's his three balls.
-That's a snowman. Snowman, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Kris Kringle with his North Pole.
-Put your hands together for Kris Kringle!
Oh, yeah!
-Take a look at his North Pole, ladies.
-♪ Jingle balls ♪
Bells. -Bells. Jingle bells.
-All right, whatever. A lot of ho-ho-hos in the house.
-Audience members.
-So, who's ready to get their stocking stuffed?
-Oh!
There's more than toys in that sack.
-All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, I'll tell you a joke later.
Thank you, snow chains on my tires,
for making my car look like it's into weird bondage stuff.
Thank you, cookie cutters,
for turning my kitchen into a tiny edible crime scene.
-That was a good one. Come on. -I know, man.
-Was that the last one? -What's that?
-Is that the last thank-you note?
-This one here? Well, not forever.
-I mean for tonight.
-Yeah, this would be the last one here
in this stack of thank-you notes.
That would be the first one,
and this, of course, would be the...
-Last one? -...last one, yeah.
-So, the one previously --
that was the penultimate thank-you note?
-That was the penultimate -- It was the Martini shot
of what would be the thank-you-note movie.
But this would be the, of course,
last thank-you note that I will write this evening.
-Oh.
Oh. -Why? Are you shocked?
-No. Just wondering. Just wondering.
-Well... -Hmm.
Thank-you note.
-You're thinking about it. -I'm thinking.
-You didn't think this would be the last one?
-No, I did not.
I thought there would be more after this.
But go ahead, please. -But this is the last one.
-Please continue. I know. I realize that now.
I feel like a fool.
-I feel like a fool.
Here I am writing thank-you notes, and no one to thank.
And I'm here reading my jokes for you, and you didn't --
-No, I was merely misinformed.
I thought that the penultimate one was the ultimate one,
so that is on me, totally, 365%.
-Yeah, so, there you are.
And you should let me do the last thank-you note.
And good day to you, sir.
-Oh. Sir, I have three dances to attend this evening.
Three balls.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
There he is. It's a good one.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Wow.
Oh, my...
Wow. That is -- Oh, my goodness. -Whew! It's nuts out there.
-Okay. All right.
Can you hang for a bit? -Yeah.
This is the last one, though. -Yeah.
-Okay. Just making sure.
Just checking.
-Sorry. Now the volume is low on that.
Here we go.
Thank you, stocking stuffers, for letting me know
exactly what is near the register at CVS this week.
There you go, everybody. Those are my thank-you notes.