We're working with a group of 200 adolescents that are in a residential facility because
for many reasons they're unable to be cared for in their own homes - and at
a recent training we were talking about the importance of nurture and giving voice and
one very tender-hearted very compassionate employee said but what will happen when they
get into the real world? Are we doing them a disservice because they'll only be with
us a short time? Two, three years and they'll be in the real world?
If I am meeting the deep needs of my child, they are maturing. If I am building deep relationship
with my child they are learning to build relationships with others. If I am developing
mutual trust and respect with my child they will learn to find others in the world who treat them
with regard and with respect. If I am teaching my child loving limits they are going to internalize
so that they can do loving limits with themselves. See, the stuff that we give in connection is the
essence of the stuff of life and if I'm giving it to my child I'm giving them a great wealth for all
of their life. I am teaching them how families love, I am teaching them how families resolve,
I am teaching them how families do business, now I am NOT talking about connection and affection
and attachment as permissiveness - I'm talking about it affection and attachment imbalance with
structure. Structure nurture structure nurture and balance so when my child says something to
me malady I say "Oh - try again" - I never broke stride for my connection and now that child knows
I need respectful words. The stuff that I want for my child and his wife and his children and
his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren is the stuff that I am planting in a relationship
right now. As we have the privilege of talking with parents and training parents on trust based
parenting and on this need for for parents to really focus on attachment and building
connections with their kids I often hear dads in particular come back and say well hold on a second
if you want me to focus on nurture and connection and attachment all day long am I just gonna spoil
my child I mean after all I don't have people giving me choices at work and and I don't have
choice whether to pay my taxes or to be somewhere on time that's just not real world it occurred to
me as I was thinking through that that in the essence what parents are asking or arguing when
they come back in that manner is they're saying hey look the world is cruel the real world can
be really a rough-and-tumble place so shouldn't I make my home a little bit more rough and tumble
and cruel like that so that my kids are more prepared for that rough-and-tumble cruel world
out there when you put it like that I think the answer becomes obvious that is that we are here
to come around our kids to nurture our kids to give them what they need to meet their needs and
to help them grow and develop and mature in a way that when they get out in that rough-and-tumble
and cruel world they have the life skills they have the confidence they have the sense of who
they are who they belong to and how they can navigate these waters on their own the reality
is that we're not spoiling our kids I've come to a great piece that when I meet my children's need
they'd be simple needs of hey dad can you get me the history can you help me do that
when I meet their deep emotional and spiritual needs in no way am i spoiling or coddling them
I'm training them I'm bringing them under my arm I'm saying here we are side by side hand
in hand and we're gonna tackle life together and eventually as I build into you as people
have built into me you're gonna be able to run and to soar on your own but for now I celebrate
your needs not to spoil your to coddle you but to train you for that big cruel world that's out
there so that you have everything you need in order to take it head-on and to succeed
you