OF COURSE, THE BIG QUESTION IS WHETHER THERE ARE GOING TO BE
ANY WITNESSES.
THE MAN TRYING TO BLOCK THAT FROM HAPPENING IS SENATE
MAJORITY LEADER -- ( BOOING )
-- AND IT SAYS HERE PAUSE FOR BOOING...
MITCH McCONNELL.
WE LEARNED TODAY THAT MITCH MCCONNELL AND HIS TEAM BELIEVE
THEY HAVE THE VOTES NEEDED TO BLOCK WITNESSES FROM APPEARING.
BUT HERE'S THE THING: 75% OF AMERICANS SUPPORT CALLING
WITNESSES IN THIS TRIAL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S AMAZING.
THAT'S CRAZY!
IT'S CRAZY!
( APPLAUSE ) 75% OF AMERICANS DON'T AGREE ON
ANYTHING.
EXCEPT MAYBE, "PUPPIES GOOD.
'CATS,' THE MOVIE, BAD."
( LAUGHTER ) SO WILL WE GET TESTIMONY FROM
FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND
YOSEMITE SAM OFF HIS MEDS JOHN BOLTON?
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S BEEN AT THE CENTER OF THE
IMPEACHMENT SAGA EVER SINCE THE "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTED THAT
HIS UPCOMING BOOK CONTAINS A FIRST-HAND ACCOUNT OF PRESIDENT
TRUMP TELLING HIM HE WAS WITHHOLDING UKRAINE AID IN
EXCHANGE FOR INVESTIGATING THE BIDENS.
IT'S A SHOCKING REVELATION OF SOMETHING WE'VE ALL KNOWN FOR
MONTHS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WE FIND OURSELVES IN A
BACKWARDS WORLD, WHERE REPUBLICANS ARE CALLING THIS
VETERAN OF FOUR G.O.P.
ADMINISTRATIONS A "TOOL FOR THE LEFT," WHILE DEMOCRATS, WHO ONCE
CALLED HIM A "NUTTY, RECKLESS, CONSERVATIVE WAR HAWK," ARE NOW
HOPING HE COULD TURN OUT TO BE THE NUTTY, RECKLESS,
CONSERVATIVE WAR HAWK OF REASON.
( LAUGHTER ) WE STILL DON'T KNOW IF BOLTON
WILL TESTIFY.
OR EXACTLY WHAT HE'D SAY.
HERE TO TELL US, HONORING A "LATE SHOW" SUBPOENA, PLEASE
WELCOME LIVE VIA SATELLITE, FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER
JOHN BOLTON.
HELLO, AMBASSADOR BOLTON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JOHN BOLTON, EVERYBODY!
AMBASSADOR, AMBASSADOR, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING ME!
>> WOOOO!
JOHNNY BOY BOLTON IS IN THE HOUSE, READY TO SPILL THE TEA ON
D.J.T.!
OR AM I?
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YES, THAT IS THE
QUESTION: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE SUBPOENAED TO TESTIFY IN
TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL?
>> HARD TO SAY.
ON ONE HAND, I DON'T KNOW IF LI'L OL' JOHN BOLTON COULD
HANDLE ALL THE ATTENTION.
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IT MIGHT BE NICE TO BE IN "THE ROOM WHERE
IT HAPPENED."
WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS THE NAME OF MY BOOK.
AVAILABLE FOR PREORDER ON AMAZON RIGHT NOW!
OOOH!
EXPLOSIVE SECRETS!
BOOM BLAM BLIPPITY BAP!
GET BACK IN THERE, SECRETS!
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, SO IF YOU DO SPEAK TO THE SENATE --
>> I'M JUST SO EXCITED!
>> Stephen: I KNOW YOU ARE, TOO.
TURN THE VOLUME DOWN ON YOUR HANDS.
PLEASE.
SO IF YOU DO WANT TO SPEAK TO THE GNAT, WOULD YOUR
TESTIMONY BE AS DAMAGING TO THE PRESIDENT AS THE LEAKS FROM YOUR
BOOK SUGGEST?
>> OH, STEPHEN, ME UNDER OATH?
WHATEVER WOULD I SAY?
WILL I BE THE SWEET LITTLE CHOIR BOY THAT THE G.O.P. HAS KNOWN
AND LOVED ALL THESE YEARS?
OR WILL I COME IN LIKE A BAZOOKA MADE OF NUCLEAR BOMBS?
BOOPITY BOOPITY!
(EXPLOSION) NOBODY KNOWS BUT ME AND
MR. SNOWBALL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: I'M SORRY, WHO IS
MR. SNOWBALL?
>> THAT'S THE NAME OF MY MOUSTACHE, STEPHEN.
HE'S ALSO MY LEGAL COUNSEL.
AND ON COLD NIGHTS, MY LOVER.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT NOW, MR. SNOWBALL.
HE GETS EXCITED.
NOT NOW.
( PURRING ) NOT NOW.
NOT NOW.
( PURRING ) >> Stephen: I DON'T WANT TO
COME BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU, SIR.
BUT, AMBASSADOR BOLTON, IF I COULD GO ON,
SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING THIS IS ALL PART OF A VENDETTA YOU HAVE
AGAINST TRUMP.
>> THAT'S FLIM FLAM AND HORSE HOCKEY!
AND ALSO HORSE-FLAM AND FLIM-FLOCKY!
I'M ON EXCELLENT TERMS WITH THE ENTIRE TRUMP TEAM!
>> STEPHEN: REALLY?
BECAUSE YOU CALLED RUDY GIULIANI A "HAND GRENADE WHO'S GOING TO
BLOW EVERYBODY UP."
>>OH,, THAT IS THE HIGHEST COMPLIMENT I CAN THINK OF.
I WISH I WAS A HAND GRENADE!
PULL OFF MR. SNOWBALL AND WATCH ME BLOW!
I'LL DO IT!
>> STEPHEN: I BELIEVE YOU, SIR.
>> DON'T TEST ME!
KA-BLANGO!
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: WAIT, DID YOU HAVE A
MUSTACHE UNDER YOUR MUSTACHE?
( LAUGHTER ) >> DID I?
IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
I'M ON BOARD.
OKAY.
BUT, AMBASSADOR BOLTON, >> STEPHEN: OKAY, ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE NOT JUST OUT FOR REVENGE -- SIR, OVER HERE!
( LAUGHTER ) ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT JUST OUT
FOR REVENGE AGAINST THE PRESIDENT?
HE RECENTLY TWEETED THAT IF HE'D LISTENED TO YOUR ADVICE, WE'D BE
UP TO WORLD WAR SIX!
>> THAT'S A LIE!
TOTAL CLAP-TRAPPERY!
I WOULD'VE STARTED WAY MORE WORLD WARS THAN THAT!
WE'D BE IN WORLD WAR 22 AGAINST EAST KOREA!
MMM!
ALL THIS WAR TALK'S GETTING ME HOT TO TROT!
COME HERE, MR. SNOWBALL.
HEY, MMM!
A THREESOME.
MY FANTASY!
>> STEPHEN: AMBASSADOR BOLTON, PLEASE.
THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW!
>> TIME TO TELL ALL!
>> Stephen: THAT'S DISTURBING.
EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT'S IN YOUR BOOK.
PROBLEM IS, AND I HOPE YOU DON'T EXPLODE WHEN I SAY THIS--
>> OOOOOO-- >> STEPHEN: I HOPE I'M NOT THE
ONE BREAKING THIS TO YOU, BUT THE WHITE HOUSE HAS THREATENED
TO BLOCK YOUR BOOK'S PUBLICATION FOR NATIONAL SECURITY REASONS.
>> --OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!
THAT'S OKAY, STEPHEN.
I'M A REASONABLE MAN.
THEY MAY BE ABLE TO BLOCK MY BOOK... BUT THEY CAN'T BLOCK
THIS BOOK: "OTHER ROOMS WHERE EVEN WORSE THINGS HAPPENED," BY
MR. SNOWBALL!
AND HE'S SEEN EVERYTHING I'VE SEEN --
( APPLAUSE ) -- OH, THANK YOU.
BUT HALF AN INCH CLOSER!
>> STEPHEN: WOW.
SO IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY COMMITTED TO GETTING YOUR STORY
OUT THERE, EVEN IF IT ENDS UP TAKING DOWN THE PRESIDENT?
>> YES!
OR NO.
SCIENCE CAN'T TELL YET.
I'M LIVING IN A QUANTUM STATE.
LIKE SCHRODINGER'S CAT!
IS THE CAT ALIVE?
IS IT DEAD?
OR, DID I SHAVE IT TO MAKE MR. SNOWBALL?
>> STEPHEN: AMBASSADOR JOHN BOLTON, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> GET OVER HERE, YOU HOT LITTLE
FEATHER DUSTER!
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
SAMANTHA BEE IS HERE!
WHEN WE RETURN, I GO TO IOWA.
I -- GO TO IOWA!
STICK AROUND!