Squidward Tentacles used to host these
bizarre yet awesome horoscope shorts
that aired on Nickelodeon back in the
day
let's see what's written in the stars
for these zodiac signs as we uncover
Squidward's opening day horoscopes from
the vault now astrology with Squidward
today we explore Sagittarius sign of the
half horse half guy with a bow and arrow
the good thing about Sagittarians they
have great aim the bad thing about them
they poof while they're walking so never
march behind them in a parade my
prediction for Sagittarius in the coming
year you won't eat enough green
vegetables I'm Squidward your Nicktoons
astrologer reminding you that if you
smelt it chances are you doubt it say
happy birthday to Taurus the ball Taurus
is the most clumsy and old fish of all
zodiac signs
they tend to break delicate objects just
by walking past them if no one ever
invites you to their house you're
probably a Taurus mmm this is bug from
now on only buy things made out of
rubber my prediction for Taurus in the
coming year you will eat a wide variety
of different foods I'm Squidward your
Nicktoons astrologer reminding you that
no matter what your sign you owe me five
dollars this is Leo sign of a lion hear
him roar
typical leo has a voice as pleasant as a
dental drill why are you laughing if you
have a Leo in your family I suggest you
move out or buy earmuffs correct
Leo's often grow up to be junior high
school vice principals my prediction for
Leo in the 12 months ahead everyone you
know will get one year older I'm
Squidward your Nicktoons astrologer
saying my powers are as real as any
other psychics
say hello to Pisces sign of the fish if
you're a Pisces people don't trust you
that's because Pisceans tend to lie all
the time even when they think they're
telling the truth they're not why for
the Pisces who wants to stop lying
I have simple advice never talk again I
don't like your attitude bub my
prediction for Pisces in the year ahead
your nose will keep working just fine
I'm your Nicktoons astrologer Squidward
reminding you that psychics will tell
you good things if you tip them well
let's look at Gemini sign of the twins
if you're a Gemini you probably
experience deja vu the feeling that this
moment has happened before and you also
experience deja vu the feeling that this
moment has happened before this month
Gemini's moon is in Uranus so you smell
funny my prediction for Gemini you
experience deja vu feeling that this
moment has happened before I'm Squidward
your Nicktoons astrologer reminding you
not to touch my stuff
happy birthday - cancer sign of the crab
non all can Syrians are crabby but they
are all good at causing problems and
then blaming them on others washing
machine you wanted cheer up cheer up
when you're spending on me hard-earned
cash
state you just did it again lad I can't
help it if you're loose with other
people's money many famous fevers and
elected officials are cancers my
prediction for cancer this week you will
fall asleep seven times don't worry
you'll wake up so you're trying to kill
me over a little new age management hey
I'm your Nicktoons astrologer Squidward
reminding you that it's bad karma to eat
animated seafood let's just stop here
okay so these horoscopes were a little
too harsh are you gonna live with
yourself
maybe Squidward should just stick to the
clarinet
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
time for another hideous day at work /
just hang in there gorgeous your star
will shine at the clarinet recital
tomorrow