WELCOME TO THE "LATE LATE SHOW."
LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT NOW.
FOLLOWING A CONTENTIOUS WEEK OF HEARINGS, THE SUPREME COURT
NOMINATION OF BRETT KAVANAUGH HAS HIT A MAJOR SNAG DUE TO A
RECENT SEXUAL MISCONDUCT ALLEGATION.
IN AN INTERVIEW OVER THE WEEKEND, ONE REPUBLICAN SENATOR
CRITICIZED THE CONFIRMATION PROCESS AS, "AN INTERGALACTIC
FREAK SHOW."
TRUMP SUPPORTERS THEN IMMEDIATELY COMPLAINED THAT
INTERGALACTIC FREAKS ARE COMING OVER HERE ILLEGALLY AND STEALING
ALL OUR SHOWS.
AN INTERGALACTIC FREAK SHOW.
I LIKE TO THINK THAT BILLIONS OF LIGHT YEARS AWAY, THE EMPEROR OF
SOME ALIEN GALAXY IS REALLY OFFENDED THAT SOMEONE JUST
COMPARED HIM TO BRETT KAVANAUGH.
REPUBLICANS HAVE ALSO BEEN CRITICAL OF THE TIMING OF THE
MISCONDUCT ALLEGATION.
THEY WERE LIKE, "THIS ISN'T HOW IT WORKS.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT WE'RE CREEPS AFTER WE'RE
CONFIRMED.
THAT'S WHAT WE DO!" MOVING ON, STORMY DANIELS HAS A
NEW TELL-ALL MEMOIR COMING OUT AND BOY, SHE DOESN'T HOLD BACK.
IN ONE EXCERPT, SHE DESCRIBES DONALD TRUMP'S PENIS AS, "LIKE
THE MUSHROOM CHARACTER IN 'MARIO KART.'"
NOW LISTEN, LISTEN.
NO MATTER WHAT YOUR POLITICS ARE, THAT'S JUST
DISRESPECTFUL.
IT IS.
HE'S NOT "THE MUSHROOM CHARACTER IN 'MARIO KART.'"
HIS NAME IS TOAD.
OKAY?
YOU CALL HIM BY HIS NAME, DAMN IT!
HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT!
THIS IS AWFUL, IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT TRUMP HAS RUINED REALITY
FOR MOST OF US, NOW HE'S RUINING VIDEO GAMES, TOO.
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE DIDN'T REALLY GET THE REFERENCE.
HE'S NEVER PLAYED "MARIO KART" BECAUSE IT FEATURES A WOMAN
DRIVING.
SHE'S COMPARING HIS GENITALS TO A VIDEO GAME CHARACTER.
WELL, THIS ALL MAKES SENSE WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE PRESIDENT'S
BALLS LOOK LIKE WARIO'S CHIN.
(LAUGHTER) >> James: NOW, IT GETS WORSE.
ON MANY LEVELS THIS GETS WORSE.
AND I APOLOGIZE, THIS ISN'T ME.
ALL RIGHT?
WARIO'S CHIN, THAT WAS ME.
BUT I CAN'T BE CLEARER, I AM SIMPLY REPORTING THE NEWS.
THAT'S WHAT'S IN THE BOOK OKAY?
STORMY DANIELS ALSO DESCRIBES DONALD TRUMP AS
HAVING-- AND AGAIN, I'M SORRY-- SHOULD I DESCRIBES DONALD TRUMP
AS HAVING AND I QUOTE, "YETI PUBES."
YETI PUBES SOUNDS LIKE A STRAIN OF MARIJUANA YOU'D BUY FROM A
SNOWBOARD INSTRUCTOR.
PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS YETI PUBES?
LET'S BE HONEST, SOUNDS MORE LIKE PRESIDENT BUSH.
(APPLAUSE) >> James: IN ENTERTAINMENT
NEWS, THE EMMYS WERE LAST NIGHT, WHICH MEANT THERE WERE VARIOUS
PARTIES HAPPENING ALL AROUND LOS ANGELES THIS WEEKEND.
ONE PARTY GOT A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL WHEN ACTOR TOM ARNOLD
AND "APPRENTICE" PRODUCER MARK BURNETT ARGUED OVER DONALD TRUMP
AND IT ESCALATED INTO A PHYSICAL FIGHT.
YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW WHEN THIS
STORY ISN'T THE INTERGALACTIC FREAK SHOW.
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
I DO, I DO.
BUT MAINLY, MY BIGGEST QUESTION IS, WHY IS TOM ARNOLD AT AN
EMMYS PARTY?
TOM ARNOLD FIGHTING A REALITY TV SHOW PRODUCER OVER PRESIDENT
DONALD TRUMP.
THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD BE MORE OF A 2018 STORY IS IF THEY ALSO
HAD A SHOE THROWN AT THEM BY CARDI B.
AND FINALLY, WE HAD TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS.
A SMALL TOWN IN MISSOURI RECENTLY LAUNCHED A NEWSPAPER
CALLED "THE EXAMINER."
THE MAYOR IS UPSET AND TO UNDERSTAND WHY, YOU NEED TO KNOW
THAT THE TOWN IS CALLED-- I PROMISE THIS IS REAL-- URANUS.
OKAY?
SO THE NEWSPAPER THAT THEY LAUNCHED IS "THE URANUS
EXAMINER."
(APPLAUSE) >> James: HONESTLY, I CAN'T
BELIEVE URANUS WENT THIS LONG WITHOUT HAVING
ANY PAPER.
"LITTLE HELP HERE."
NOW, THE MAYOR WANTS THE NAME CHANGED.
SHE THINKS IT OPENS UP THE TOWN TO RIDICULE.
HARD WHETHER YOU THOUGH IT'S HARD TO COMMAND ANY
RESPECT WHEN YOUR OFFICIAL TITLE IS "MAYOR OF URANUS."
BUT THE CITY HAS BIGGER ISSUES.
THEY'RE FACING A SCANDAL.
"THE URANUS EXAMINER" COVERED IT HERE.
"AUTHORITIES FINGER ASSISTANT COUNCILMAN IN PROBE."