Growing up in a UK school system, there were countless rules and regulations that I had
to abide by in order to be deemed a good student.
As part of the school rules, I had to wear a school uniform: Black trousers, white shirt,
black blazer – all neatly finished with a tie.
We were given little red cards that we had to carry around with us at all times in school.
I would often get stopped by teachers, ordering me to present my red card so I could receive
a strike on it for breaking school rules.
Three strikes resulted in a one hour detention after school on a Friday.
Now that I look back on things, the reasons I received strikes on my red card were completely
harmless.
I’d receive strikes for things like not having the top button of my shirt done up,
or wearing my school tie a little too short – even talking too loudly on my way to class.
I even remember when I got yelled at for not being able to draw a round-enough circle in
art class, or for using blue ink instead of black.
The rules that were put in place were completely normal to us, and we did our best to abide
by them.
We wanted to be good students, after all.
We wanted to do well in life.
We wanted our parents to be proud of us.
We didn’t question the rules or even think about them; they were our own societal norm.
Those social norms greatly changed the way we saw the world.
Much like how things were in school, societal norms are everywhere.
They make the outside world appear a certain way, which in turn influences our concepts
and beliefs.
Social norms are built in line with our collective dream as a population.
They are taught to us by our parents, schools, religions, media, and any other position of
authority.
But, wherever societal norms exist, negativity, judgement and self-doubt follow not too far
behind…
The Four Agreements was written by Don Miguel Ruiz, a renowned spiritual teacher in Neoshamanism.
The book offers a road to reaching freedom in life by exploring the wisdom of the Toltecs;
an indigenous people of Mexico who preceded the Aztecs.
The Toltecs believed that life is a dream and that we are always dreaming, even when
we are awake.
Though this book is small in length, it holds the power to completely transform your world.
The book helps shed a lot of light on freeing yourself from the chains of societal norms
and collective thinking, which the author says prevents us from being truly free.
The book goes on to say that our world is made up of labels.
The words of your parents, teachers, elders and other peers grew into the labels you have
come to learn and agree with, which in turn form the concepts, beliefs and limitations
in your life today.
These often define the rules and boundaries of your reality.
They tell you how things in the world ought to be, or how you should behave, as a quote
unquote "normal person".
This is what the book refers to as “Domestication”.
Domestication in this sense is not a good thing.
Domestication to the world around us means that we cannot be our true selves without
disrupting the “status quo”.
We have to fit in somehow, right?
If not, people might think negatively of you.
You might be left alienated.
You might lose the opportunity to find love.
If we try to protest against the authority around us, we will be punished.
Similarly, we have always been rewarded when we have obeyed the authoritative figures in
our lives.
Due to this fear, we have all surrendered and decided to follow along with this collective
dream, rather than pursue and live our individual dreams.
However, the problem is, as we grow older, we no longer need a more powerful person there
to domesticate us, but by this point the ideas we have learned are so built into us that
we then domesticate ourselves.
The thousands of beliefs that you have picked up over the years tell you:
Who you are What you should feel
How to behave What you can and can't do to be accepted
The problem with most of these beliefs is that if we don’t act in accordance with
them we are bad people, or underachievers.
We label ourselves negatively and believe those labels as if they were a law of nature
themselves.
When this happens, our internal monologue becomes one that creates a living hell for
us, and depletes us of our energy.
For me, some of my own labels and reasons for them used to be things like:
You don’t deserve love; you can’t provide for others
You are too young; to be good at anything you need to practise for years first
You are selfish if you want to invest in yourself; you should invest in others
You are not smart enough to teach others; that’s what teachers are for
Negative labels can also stem from trauma at any point in your life.
After leaving an abusive relationship, you might carry the names you were called and
believe you are unworthy of love or damaged.
To deal with these labels, we then begin to trade our individual dreams and peace so that
we can fit in with this collective dream.
But, the truth is, by doing this and not living our true life, these labels will never disappear,
and so we’re caught in a vicious cycle of constantly trying to stay one step ahead of
the fear that is chasing us from behind.
Ruiz explains that in order to break free from these limitations, we must first become
fully aware of them through meditation and mindfulness.
Really take time to think of the things you practise because you were taught to, but hold
you back as a result.
Once we are aware and understand the things that hold us back, we can then go on to forgive.
By forgiving others, and yourself, we will then receive the strength to eliminate what’s
holding us back.
We do so in four different ways.
Here are The Four Agreements.
Stay true to your word
Plenty of people are happy to talk the talk, but few are still showing to back themselves
up and walk the walk.
Talkers are quick to jump in and say the right thing to try to impress, but they can’t
uphold their promises, and while their intentions may be pure, overpromising can often lead
to underachieving, which can then lead to more negative labelling.
Our word is the most powerful tool.
But, without action to back them up, they are just words.
We can create the most beautiful dream with our word, or on the flip side, we can destroy
everything with our word.
As such, we must be careful about how we use this power.
Our mind and the world outside us are fertile grounds and our words are the seeds we plant.
If we plant bad seeds with bad words, we’re going to get a rotten harvest.
Be careful what seeds you’re planting.
Not just with others, but also the words you use with yourself.
If you give your word to another, stay true to it.
If you give your promise to someone, hold onto it and keep it.
If you say you are going to do something, follow through and do it.
Don't Take Anything Personally
Imagine you were walking down the street one day and someone came up to you and said “I
hate your shoes, they look stupid, only a stupid person would wear those shoes!,”
how would you react?
Quite often things go like this: Someone says something about you.
You take it personally.
You defend yourself and tell the other person they’re wrong.
The other person takes that personally.
They then say something worse.
The cycle repeats again.
As Ruiz explains, when someone voices a negative opinion, don’t take it personally, because
the truth is that the person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions.
That person tried to send you poison, and if you take it personally or react in the
same manner, then you take that poison and it becomes yours.
Whatever the case is, it’s important to remember that the person’s actions were
not about you and/or your worth, but a reflection of the world they are living in.
Don't Make Assumptions
Do you ever read into texts, emails, or even conversations and think you have the other
person “figured out”?
You believe you know their reason, intention, or motivation, but that assumption is based
on your reality and your beliefs.
We don’t all see things the same way.
Instead of assuming, ask questions.
Be curious.
Confront your fears and challenge the stories in your head.
Even if what you discover is not what you’re hoping for, you can make decisions that are
rooted in reality.
That is what people in healthy relationships do.
“The biggest assumption that humans make is that everyone sees life the way we do.
We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge,
and abuse the way we abuse.
This is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.
Because we think everyone else will judge us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves.”
Always Do Your Best
If you were told to always do your best as a child, it was actually sound advice.
Doing your best depends on the situation you are in, and is not a one-size-fits-all thing.
On certain days your best will be world-beating, and on others maybe it’s just a struggle
to get something positive done, but you do something.
To do your best, you should do things because you want to, not because of external motivation
like a paycheck or expectations.
If you love the job or task you’re doing, you’ll do your best without even trying.
Your work will feel effortless and you’ll perform much better.
Do your best, not in any particular field, but do what is best to you, and most true
to who you are as a person.
Doing your best should be a choice and not an obligation.
It is taking the best action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward.
By doing your best this way, you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.
Closing
Though this book is presented simply, there's a very powerful message relayed here.
Most people are living in a dream, completely oblivious to their personal, national and
cultural beliefs and biases.
It is a book filled with guidance on how to sail past the mist that limits our vision
and life experiences.
It is not easy to master The Four Agreements; it is something I still find myself falling
short on, but don’t give up.
By adopting the guides highlighted in this book, you can begin to break down limiting
beliefs, and gain your personal power and freedom back.
You’ll learn to understand that everything a person does is about them, and not you,
And with this understanding, along with making a conscious effort to practise The Four Agreements,
you will be able to start mentally releasing any unnecessary burdens or suffering, allowing
yourself to begin walking a happier, lighter path.