I've already given you a video about 10 things you should never say to your
child and some of our viewers have asked, "Dr. Paul, what should we say?" There are
three things you should say to your child every day. Before I tell you what
these 3 things are, do you remember I did a video not too long ago about 10
things you should never say. You can link to that video right up here. Queue it up,
you're going to want to watch that right after we finish this one. What should you
say? In fact, this idea came from one of the comments to that video. "Well, what
should we say, Dr. Paul?" I'll tell you what you should say. And this came from
early in my career when I was introduced to Foster Klein and Jim Fay. The guys who
created the love and logic system. Parenting with love and logic, if you
haven't checked them out you might want to. As I was listening to a presentation
that they were giving, they said something that has stuck with me all of
these years. And I want to give them proper attribution for these 3
things. Number 1, "I love you". No, I mean yes, I love you. But this is what you
should say to your kids. That's what we're talking about. I love you no matter
what and even if. You will always be loved. There's nothing that you need to
do in order to qualify for my love, I love you no matter what and even if. I
want you to find some way to say that to your kids every day. They need to hear it,
they need to feel it. And it doesn't have to be specifically in those words. You
might find other ways that you prefer to send that message. But that's the first
message --I love you unconditionally. No matter what and even if. Got it?
The second thing that I want to encourage you to say to your children
every day in some form is this: "If you have any questions, ask." Now, this is your
way as a benevolent, generous, loving parent to provide a resource
to your children. Because you've been around the block a few times. You know
what's going on. But notice the way what though we phrased this. "If you have any
questions, ask." I'm not going to cram it down your throat. I think too often as parents
we get so tied up in what we want our kids to learn that we end up just beaten
it into them somehow and they end up resenting it. We feel frustrated.
Everybody gets annoyed and irritated. No, we're going to back off, okay? We're going to
take a very benevolent offering kind of an approach. You know what? I've used this
with teenagers sometimes and it drives them nuts. Because I'll say something
like this: "You know, I have some ideas about that thing that you're dealing
with. If you ever want to hear what my ideas are, let me know." Oh, it drives them
crazy. They're like, "Well, you're going to tell me anyway."
"Oh, no. No. I don't want to, you know, cram it down your throat. So, if you want to
hear it, just let me know." And almost always, they come back to me with, "Okay,
fine. Tell me. Tell me what it is." Because they got to know, right? This is the approach
that you take. This will help you to be less of a nagging parent. Constantly
reminding them or trying to tell them what you want them to know and more of a
trusted consultant. How would you like that role? That would be kind of cool? The
third thing that you should see in some way to your children every day? "Good luck."
Then say it with a little smile, okay? You got to have a little lilt to your
voice, right? Raise your eyebrows just a little bit.
"Good luck." This is your way as a parent of backing out of the micromanaging I'm-
trying-to-control-your-life kind of a role. Which irritates and annoys children
anyway. And put you into the position of the
trusted consultant that we talked about in message number 2 --"If you have any
questions ask." Your acknowledging to your child that it's going to be hard
out there. That they're going to run into some challenges, right?
Welcome to earth, that's how we roll here. They are going to have some hard times
and you are expressing with this message. Your confidence that they have what it
takes to handle whatever comes up in their life. Now mom, dad; you might have to
do a little gut check here and see what you actually believe about this. See the
alternative is rant rave and rescue. It's the old ball-them-out and bail-them-out
approach. We don't want to go there. I think what we want to do is instill
confidence that they can handle anything that happens in their life. And when the
consequences come, they can handle that too. So, you simply wish them good luck.
You might not say it in exactly those words but that's your attitude. Should we
do a quick recap? The three things that you should say to your child every day. "I
love you no matter what and even if." Number 2, "if you have any questions, ask
me." And number 3, "Good luck." powerful
messages that will make a huge difference. Are you having fun with this
positive parenting thing? Well, sometimes you're not, right? You ever find yourself
yelling? Wishing that you could get control of your own emotions as a parent?
I'm here to help. And so is Vicki. We've put together the
Parenting Power-Up. I think you're going to really love this. We've got everything
from online resources to some full coaching programs that you can get
involved with and we would love to be part of your team. Schedule your free
parenting breakthrough call. There's a link in the description or go to
ParentingPowerUp.com. We'll see you there.