I WOULD LOVE TO SHARE A LOVE STORY WITH YOU GUYS.
UM...
THIS IS A LOVE STORY THAT ACTUALLY DOCUMENTS
MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH LOVE GROWING UP IN
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON.
I WAS 14 YEARS OLD AND IT'S TITLED "INSTANT MESSENGER."
[TUNING GUITAR]
♪ ♪
THE YEAR WAS 1994 AND MY DAD BROUGHT HOME
THE FIRST FAMILY COMPUTER. IT WAS AN APPLE,
- THANKS, DAD. - [LAUGHTER]
HE BROUGHT IT INSIDE AND HE PUT IT ON THE TABLE AND HE SAID,
"NICK, I CAN'T SET THIS UP. I'M TOO OLD."
I GRABBED HIS HAND, I SAID, "I CAN DO IT, ERIC." HE SAID, "CALL ME DAD."
- I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, DAD." - [LAUGHTER]
I HAD 1250 FREE MINUTES OF AOL BURNING IN MY BACK POCKET.
MY DAD SAID, "NICK, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.
"YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR OWN SCREEN NAME YET. BUT YOU CAN USE MINE."
IT WAS "SALMON" WITH AN "ERD" AT THE END OF IT. "SALMONERD."
SO I GOT ONLINE AS "SALMONERD"
FOUND OUT ABOUT CHATTING PRETTY QUICK.
AND THAT'S WHERE I MET HER, INSYNC-HOTTIE-503.
♪ INSYNC-HOTTIE-503 ♪
♪ I HEART HER AND SHE SMILEY FACED ALL OVER ME ♪
♪ SMILEY FACED ON ME ♪
SOMETIMES INSYNC-HOTTIE-503 WOULD SAY STUFF
AND I'D BE LIKE, "WHAT?" AND SHE'D BE, LIKE, "JK" AND I'D BE, LIKE, "LOL."
BECAUSE YOU GUYS, I KNEW SHE WAS JUST KIDDING.
BUT I WAS LITERALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD.
AND IF YOU'RE DOING THAT WHILE TALKING TO SOMEBODY ON THE INTERNET,
YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
I SPENT MOST OF THE DAY MINIMIZING WHEN MY DAD WALKED BY.
INSYNC-HOTTIE-503 TOLD ME SHE WAS A 22 YEAR-OLD ACTRESS,
JUST MOVED TO HOLLYWOOD TWO MONTHS AGO.
SHE WAS NERVOUS BECAUSE THE NEXT DAY,
WHICH WAS TOMORROW BACK THEN,
SHE WAS GONNA BE ON TV FOR THE FIRST TIME,
FULL HOUSE, TGIF.
TOLD HER, "HEY, I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE NERVOUS.
"I HAVE A PRETTY BIG NEXT DAY MYSELF
"'CAUSE I'M GOING OUT TO SEA FOR SIX MONTHS.
"I'M A 25 YEAR-OLD FISHERMAN IN ALASKA,
DEADLIEST SALMON RUN KNOWN TO MAN."
I WASN'T SCARED BECAUSE THEY CALL ME
- "SALMONERD" FOR A REASON. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AT ONE POINT, I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM SO I WROTE "BRB".
AND I CAME BACK A FEW MINUTES LATER AND INSYNC-HOTTIE-503
HAD WRITTEN "QUESTION MARK, QUESTION MARK, FROWNIE FACE."
AND I SAID, "LISTEN, I'M SORRY, INSYNC-HOTTIE-503, BUT 'BRB'
MEANS 'BE RIGHT BACK.'" SHE SAID, "NO, SALMONERD, I KNOW WHAT 'BRB' MEANS.
"BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE 'BRB' FROM THAT SALMON RUN."
AND THAT'S WHEN I SAID-- CAPS LOCK--
"DON'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW!" "JUST STOP YELLING AT ME!"
I SAID, "sorry," IN LOWER CASE.
[LAUGHTER]
I SAID, "LISTEN, I CAN'T LIE TO YOU ANYMORE.
I'M A 14 YEAR OLD KID IN
SHE SAID, "WHERE'S CATTLE?" AND I WAS, LIKE,
"YOU KNOW, THAT'S A STUPID ABBREVIATION ON MY PART.
IT'S A
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
A FEW MINUTES WENT BY, NO RESPONSE.
SIGN OFF. SIGN ON. SIGN OFF. SIGN ON.
FINALLY, SHE SAID, "SALMONERD QUESTION MARK"
AND I SAID, "YES, INSYNC-HOTTIE-503, DOT, DOT, DOT"
SHE SAID, "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE
BECAUSE I'M YOUR 57 YEAR OLD NEIGHBOR JIM."
[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]
♪ INSYNC-HOTTIE-503 ♪
♪ I CRY FACED HER RIGHT AFTER SHE WINKY FACED ♪
♪ ALL OVER ME ♪
♪ WINKY FACED ON ME ♪
SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY DO A REGULAR WINKY FACE.
SHE DID A SEMICOLON, BEGINNING PARENTHESIS.
WHICH IS A WINKY/FROWNY FACE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT'S A REAL EMOTION.
I MEAN, I GUESS IT'S KIND OF LIKE SAYING,
"HEY, I'M UNHAPPY BUT YOU GET IT, RIGHT?"
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.