WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
>> Stephen: FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN COMING TO US FROM
CHICAGO.
PLEASE WELCOME, PAT McGANN!
♪ ♪ ♪
>> ALL RIGHT!
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.
IT'S GOOD TO BE OUT, RIGHT, JUST GOOD TO BE OUT.
GOT KIDS AT HOME.
MY WIFE AND I HAVE THREE, THREE UNDER FOUR.
YEAH, THAT'S HOW PEOPLE REACT.
SOME PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT IT'S LIKE.
HERE'S A FAST FACT-- 75% OF THE ASSES I WIPE, AREN'T MINE.
( LAUGHTER ) I GOT ONE IN PRESCHOOL.
ONE FROM PRE-PRESCHOOL.
DID YOU KNOW THAT EXISTED, PRE-PRESCHOOL.
MY WIFE IS LIKE, "HE WANTS TO GO.
WE HAVE TO SIGN HIM UP.
HE WANTS TO GO TO SCHOOL."
HE WANTS TO GO TO SCHOOL?
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL IS.
HE WANTS TO GO TO SCHOOL, WALK HIM OUT TO THE GARAGE, HERE WE
ARE.
THIS IS OUR FIRST DAY.
HERE'S A BROOM.
WE'RE GOING TO LEARN HOW TO SWEEP TODAY.
"HE MIGHT BE GIFTED."
THAT'S WHAT MY WIFE SAID.
HE WAS EATING A CRAYON YESTERDAY, A PURPLE ONE, LOOKS
LIKE YOU AFTER A GLASS OF WINE.
SOMETIMES WE'LL TAKE ONE.
YOU KNOW, I'LL TAKE ONE, MY WIFE WILL TAKE ONE, KIND OF DIVIDE
AND CONQUER.
SHE TOOK MY DAUGHTER OUT THE OTHER NEED AND SENT A TEXT,
"STAYING OUT, THOUGHT YOU GUYS MIGHT LIKE SOME BOY TIME."
REALLY, THEY DON'T KNOW IT'S BOY TIME.
TEXT ME WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE SO I CAN GET RID OF ALL THE STRIPPERS
AND BLOW.
"BOY TIME?" WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
WATCH A GAME?
THROW THE BALL AROUND.
STAND ON THE CHAIR AND FLICK THE LIGHT SWITCH ON AND OFF?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO GET INTO?
TAKE ALL THE KLEENEX OUT OF THE BOX, ONE MY ONE?
THAT'S AWESOME.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'LL JUST STUFF THEM BACK IN THERE.
I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE HANGING OUT WITH THE FELL AS.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT TO
VEGAS.
I GET IT.
SOME OF YOU DON'T HAVE CIZ KIDS.
JUST PAY ATTENTION ANYWAY.
I'M FROM THE FUTURE.
( LAUGHTER ) PROBABLY IN YOUR 20s?
ENJOY THAT.
I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT MY 20s AT HOME.
I MET MY WIFE WHEN I WAS 31.
SOMETIMES SHE'LL ASK ME, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN YOUR 20s?"
I'M JUST LIKE, "NOTHING.
I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) "I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN MEXICO
ONE WEEKEND."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, NOW IT'S JUST ALL ABOUT
THE KID, YOU KNOW.
AND WE'RE EXHAUSTED.
WE ARGUE, WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
SHE TRIED TO INSULT ME THE OTHER DAY.
SHE SAID, "YOU'RE NOT ORGANIZED."
I SAID, "OUCH.
I'M NOT ORGANIZED."
SHE ACTS LIKE WE MET AT THE CONTAINER STORE.
I MET TERAT A BAR AT NOON.
MAYBE THAT'S A SIGN I HAVE CRAP ON MY DRERS.
I'M NOT PUTTING THEM TO BED TONIGHT, SO THAT MAKES ME HAPPY
NORTH PUTTING MY KIDS TO BEDDA.
THAT'S THE WORST.
YOU HAVE TO LIE TO THEM.
THAT'S WHAT WE DO, LIE EVERY DAY.
WE'RE JUST LIKE, "BIG DAY TOMORROW."
( LAUGHTER ) "GET SOME REST.
YOU'VE GOT A BIG DAY TOMORROW.
BIG DAY!
YOU'RE GOING TO WAKE UP AND CRY ABOUT BROCCOLI.
AND KEEP US FROM HAVING SEX
SOMETIMES THEY DO HAVE BIG DAYS, THOUGH, THESE KIDS.
OVER-SCHEDULED.
LAST WEEK MY WIFE WAS LIKE, "YOU HAVE TO BRING HER TO MUSIC, THEN
SWIMMING, THEN GIOF GYMNASTICS.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET A CALENDAR."
"NO, WE SHOULD PROBABLY CANCEL SOME STUFF.
START WITH GYMNASTICS.
THAT DOESN'T RUN IN OUR FAMILY.
I FEEL LIKE YOU SIGN YOUR KID UP FOR GYMNASTICS YOU HAVE BRING
THE PARN IN THE ROOM TEST THE GENE POOL.
CARTWHEEL, NO, ALL RIGHT, WE CAN'T ACCEPT YOUR CHILD.
( LAUGHTER ) MY DAUGHTER HAD BALLET, AND MY
WIFE IS LIKE, "GET HER DRESSED.
SHE'S GOT BALLET."
I SAID, "REALLY, I HAVE TO GET HER DRESSED?
MAYBE THAT'S A SIGN THESE SHOOEZ NOT READY FOR THE PERFORMING
ARTS.
MAYBE I SHOULD BRING HER TO 'HOW TO GET DRESSED'.
AND THEN I'LL DROP HER OFF AT 'LISTENING'."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, SHE DOESN'T LISTEN
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW.
SHE'S IN THE BATH THE OTHER NIGHT, MY DAUGHTER.
"COME OUT OF THE BATH."
"NO,."
"OUT OF THE TUB."
NO I'M STAYING THERE FOR A COUPLE OF WHIELZ.
FINE STAY IN THERE A COUPLE OF WHILES.
THAT'S HOW CRAZY IT IS.
YOU START SPEAKING THEIR LANGUAGE.
AND I'M STANDING THERE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG A COUPLE OF
WHILES IS, SO I JUST WAIT A WHILE, TWICE.
LAUGH JUST ANSWERING QUESTIONS.
THAT'S MY LIFE NOW.
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
WHEN YOU HAVE LITTLE KIDS, YOU ANSWER A MILLION QUESTIONS.
EVERY DAY IS A HUGE PRESS CONFERENCE.
IT STARTS IN THE MORNING "HOW COME THERE ARE HOLES IN MY
CHEERIOS."
"JUST EAT IT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HEAR?
THAT'S PROFIT FOR GENERAL MILLS" MY SON WANTED TO KNOW WHY THE
INSIDE OF OUR WINDOWS WERE FROSTED.
DUDE, THAT'S SCIENCE.
I WENT TO CAG SCHOOL.
NO CLUE.
( LAUGHTER ) "WHEN IS MAGOING TO BE MOMENT?"
THAT'S A BIG ONE I GET.
"WHEN IS MOM GOING TO BE HOME?" "DON'T YOU THINK I'M WONDERING
THE SAME THING.
I DON'T KNOW.
HOW ABOUT THIS, WHEN I START PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU, SHE'S
CLOSE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHEN I PUT MY PHONE ON THE COUNTER, SHE'S IN THE DRIVEWAY!
YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SEE HIM NOVEMBER 22 AT ZANIES COMEDY
CLUB IN ROSEMONT, ILLINOIS.
PAT McGANN, EVERYONE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.