WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FINALLY--
FINALLY, FRIENDS, AFTER THE DISASTER IN IOWA, WE HAVE A
CLEAR AND DECISIVE WINNER: SIBA, THE STANDARD POODLE WHO
WON BEST IN SHOW AT THE WESTMINSTER!
NOT SURPRISED SHE WON.
LOOK AT THAT GROOMING.
I'M TELLING YOU, IF HE'S SERIOUS ABOUT WINNING, TOM STEYER OUGHT
TO STEAL HER LOOK.
NICE HAUNCHES.
LAST NIGHT, WE ALSO GOT THE RESULTS OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE
PRIMARY.
I'LL TELL ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF...
>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
>> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.
( HORN BEEPING )
NIGHTMARE.
>> YOU'RE A LYING DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER.
>> I THINK THEY WILL END UP BEING THE LOSERS.
>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020!"
>> Stephen: NOW THE WINNER--
THE WINNER IN THE GRANITE STATE WAS VERMONT SENATOR AND MAN
REGRETTING PICKING A JAY-Z SONG AT KARAOKE, BERNIE SANDERS.
BERNIE WAS GRACIOUS IN HIS VICTORY SPEECH.
>> LET ME TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK THE PEOPLE OF NEW
HAMPSHIRE FOR A GREAT VICTORY TONIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE AND LAST WEEK IN IOWA--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO MANY VOLUNTEERS.
>> Stephen: ( AS BERNIE ) "I WANT TO THANK MY VOLUNTEERS,
I WANT TO THANK THE UNPAID LABORERS WHO-- OH, MY GOD!
WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!
I'M A CAPT LIFT SWINE WHO BENEFITS OFF THE TOIL OF THE
99%.
I'VE BECOME THAT WHICH I MOST ABHORRED!
I AM NOW THE MAN!
LET'S STICK IT TO ME!"
( LAUGHTER )
FORMER SOUTH BEND MAYOR AND BIRTHDAY BOY VOLUNTEERING AT
THE MAGIC SHOW, PETE BUTTIGIEG.
DURING HIS SPEECH, MAYOR PETE BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT:
GAVE BERNIE A BIT OF A BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT:
>> I ADMIRED SENATOR SANDERS WHEN I WAS A HIGH SCHOOL
STUDENT.
>> Stephen: SUBTLY DONE.
BUT IT IS TRUE, PETE DID ACTUALLY ADMIRE
BERNIE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
HE EVEN WROTE AN ESSAY ABOUT HIM THAT WON THE "PROFILE IN
COURAGE" ESSAY CONTEST.
"PROFILES IN COURAGE," OF COURSE WAS WRITTEN BY J.F.K., WHO ALSO
WROTE A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY ABOUT LOOKING UP TO BERNIE SANDERS.
THE THIRD-PLACE FINISHER WITH 20% OF THE VOTE WAS MINNESOTA
SENATOR AND ABBY CADABBY'S STEP-MOM, AMY KLOBUCHAR.
DURING HER SPEECH LAST NIGHT, KLOBUCHAR LAID ON THE MIDWESTERN
GRIT THICK.
>> MY GRANDPA WORKED 1,500 FEET UNDERGROUND IN THE MINES OF
NORTHERN MINNESOTA.
HE HAD NINE BROTHERS AND SISTERS, AND HE HAD TO HELP
RAISE THEM.
HE AND MY GRANDMA SAVED MONEY IN A COFFEE CAN IN THEIR BASEMENT
TO SEND MY DAD TO A TWO-YEAR COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
MY DAD THEN BECAME A NEWSPAPERMAN.
MY DAD STRUGGLED WITH ALCOHOLISM.
MY MOM?
SHE WAS BORN IN MILWAUKEE.
>> Stephen: (AS KLOBUCHAR) "MY GODFATHER WAS BOB SEGER.
MY UNCLE DIED IN THE CHEESE MINES FROM CHEDDAR LUNG.
( LAUGHTER )
DAIRY COW.
WE COULDN'T AFFORD A TV, SO WE LISTENED TO VIKINGS GAMES ON A
RADIO WE MADE OUT OF BEER BOTTLE TOPS AND GREEN BEAN
CASSEROLE.
I AM MIDWESTERN TO THE CORE."
( APPLAUSE )
WINNERS WHO WON LESS THAN THE ACTUAL WINNERS.
COMING IN AT FOURTH PLACE, WAS MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR AND
MUSIC TEACHER TELLING THE TENORS ♪ MMMM, I'M UP HERE! ♪
ELIZABETH WARREN.
SENATOR WARREN HAS NOT PERFORMED AS WELL AS SHE EXPECTED SO SHE
COMFORTED SUPPORTERS LAST NIGHT AT HER NEW HAMPSHIRE PARTY BY
SERVING SWEDISH MEATBALLS AND BRISKET.
THAT'S A LOT OF MEAT.
DID THEY LET HER DOG, BAILEY, PLACE THE ORDER?
( AS BAILEY, ON PHONE )
MEAT!
BALL!
MEATBALL.
'RISKET!"
( AS SALESPERSON ON PHONE )
( AS BAILEY )
RYE-RYE.
OOO, GARLIC KNOTS!"
THE ONE OF THE BIGGEST NOT-WINNERS
WAS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN, SEEN HERE TAKING A QUICK
MID-SENTENCE NAP.
( LAUGHTER )
BIDEN'S LACKLUSTER PERFORMANCES HAVE A BEEN A HUGE SURPRISE.
AND NOW, EVEN BIDEN'S OWN PEOPLE ARE HAVING TROUBLE HIDING
THEIR ANXIETY.
ONE UNNAMED ADVISER TOLD REPORTERS, "I KNOW WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO SAY WE'RE GOING TO WIN, BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW.
THIS IS HORRENDOUS.
WE'RE ALL SCARED."
IT'S NOT GREAT WHEN YOUR CAMPAIGN SOUNDS LIKE A CIVIL WAR
LETTER HOME.
"MY DEAREST JILL, WE FLED NEW HAMPSHIRE AFTER A MISERABLE
DEFEAT AND HAVE RETREATED TO MAKE OUR LAST STAND IN SOUTH
CAROLINA.
I THOUGHT WE COULD WIN, BUT I GUESS I'M JUST A LYING,
DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
LAST NIGHT WAS ALSO THE END OF THE FURY ROAD FOR SOME
CANDIDATES, LIKE COLORADO SENATOR AND MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND
WHO WANTS TO GET COFFEE ONE-ON-ONE "JUST TO GET TO KNOW
YA BETTER, BUD," MICHAEL BENNET.
AFTER GETTING LESS THAN 1% IN NEW HAMPSHIRE LAST NIGHT, BENNET
PROMPTLY DROPPED OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
THIS WAS SHOCKING TO ALL THE VOTERS WHO HAD NO IDEA HE
DROPPED INTO THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
( LAUGHTER )
BENNET WAXED POETIC ABOUT THE STATE HE JUST LOST, SAYING,
"I LOVE YOU, NEW HAMPSHIRE.
WHETHER YOU KNEW IT OR NOT, WE WERE HAVING A GREAT TIME
TOGETHER."
( LAUGHTER )
BIT OF A CREEPY NOTE TO GO OUT ON, I GOTTA SAY.
"I LOVE YOU, NEW HAMPSHIRE.
WHETHER YOU KNEW IT OR NOT.
I WATCH YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP."
( LAUGHTER )
ENTREPRENEUR AND MAN SPECIFYING THAT HE WANTS HIS FOOD PREPARED
BY A CHEF WHO HASN'T EVEN HANDLED CILANTRO, ANDREW YANG.
WHICH MEANS YANG'S OUT OF A JOB.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE COULD USE?
$1,000 A MONTH.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )
EARLIER TODAY-- TODAY?
JUST TODAY.
THE DEMOCRATIC FIELD LOST FORMER MASSACHUSSETTS GOVERNOR AND MAN
SAYING, "WAIT. THE GUY WITH THE MOST VOTES WINS?" DEVAL PATRICK.
SO LET'S REMOVE DEVAL PATRICK FROM OUR ARRAY OF DEMOCRATIC
CANDIDATES.
AND...
OOPS, WE NEVER PUT HIM IN.
( LAUGHTER )
GET IN THERE, SIR!
THERE YOU GO.
NOW, GET OUT OF THERE!
GET OUT OF THERE!
WE ALSO HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO MICHAEL BENNET.
HE WILL BE MISSED.
STOP WATCHING US, MICHAEL BENNET!
THAT'S CREEPY!
I'M GOING TO CALL THE COPS!
AND LET'S ALSO SAY FAREWELL TO THE MAN WHO WARNED US ABOUT THE
DANGERS OF AUTOMATION, ANDREW YANG.
AND THE ROBOTS HAVE COME FOR HIM.
SO LONG.
SO LONG, MR. YANG.
MICHAEL BENNET!
GET OUTTA HERE!
SHOO!
NOW, OUR CURRENT COMMANDER IN CHIEF HOSTED THE PRESIDENT OF
ECUADOR IN THE OVAL OFFICE TODAY, WHICH BRINGS US TO
TODAY'S EDITION OF: >> "CHAIR CHAT."
>> Stephen: WITH ALL THE TURMOIL SURROUNDING ROGER STONE'S
SENTENCING, TRUMP TRIED TO MUDDY THE WATERS BY CLAIMING EVERYBODY
ELSE SHOULD BE PROSECUTED.
>> WHERE'S COMEY?
WHERE IS COMEY?
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MCCABE?
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO LISA AND PETER STRZOK, AND LISA PAGE?
WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH THEM?
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WHERE'S WALDO?
WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO?
WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH?
WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT?
WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF LOVE?
THAT GUY SHOULD BE IN JAIL, THE BOOK OF LOVE GUY."
( APPLAUSE )
ASKED WHO HE THINKS THE DEMOCRATIC FRONTRUNNER IS.
>> BERNIE LOOKS LIKE HE IS DOING VERY WELL.
I THINK PEOPLE LIKE HIS MESSAGE.
HE'S GOT ENERGY.
HIS PEOPLE HAVE ENERGY, BUT THEY LIKE HIS MESSAGE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, THEY LIKE IT.
WHAT WAS BERNIE'S MESSAGE AGAIN?
>> WE ARE GOING TO UNITE TOGETHER AND DEFEAT THE MOST
DANGEROUS PRESIDENT IN THE MODERN HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DO LIKE THAT MESSAGE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WILL FERRELL IS HERE.
STICK AROUND!
WILL FERRELL.