-Oh, thank you.
This is so exciting!
Okay. So, um -- [ Exhales sharply ]
I'm currently in negotiations
to get back with my ex-boyfriend.
Thank you. [ Laughter ]
We've broken up seven times in five years,
so I have no friends left, and...
so if anyone wants to, like, hang out after the show
and just read through -- [ Cheers and applause ]
Really?
I would love for that.
I just need you to read through a couple texts from him
just to give me some perspective.
I need some fresh eyes on these things, so...
It won't take long.
I'll just choose one of you and quickly AirDrop
30 to 1,000 screenshots of text conversations between us,
because that's all that's in my phone.
I hope you like reading blue.
I'm not doing well in these conversations.
[ Laughter ]
That's all that's in my phone.
Texts between me and men who will never love me.
And -- And naked pictures. I send those, and I shouldn't.
I shouldn't. The cloud is not secure.
But, like, neither am I. [ Laughter ]
And I need constant validation.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't -- I don't put my face in the pictures, though.
Mostly 'cause he asks for them that way.
But also -- [ Laughter ]
Smart.
I, uh -- yeah.
When you get back together with your ex,
your friends get so mad.
They're like, "Don't settle, Nikki.
You should never settle. Never settle."
I'm like, "Never?
Okay. What if the Pilgrims didn't settle, okay?"
Thank God they did.
I don't get back with him 'cause I'm weak.
I really don't. It's like --
I just date someone new, and then I look back at him,
and I realize, "Oh, he was the best...I can do."
Like, "I can't... [ Laughter ]
"...get better."
He was so hot. So hot.
Short. That's how I got him.
He's short.
That's my little secret, ladies.
You can get such a hot guy if he's short.
Like, on discount, okay?
[ Laughter ]
So smart.
And if you're sitting in a picture with him,
people don't know. They're just like,
"Whoa. Glaser's batting out of her league."
[ Laughter ]
And then you -- Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.
Eventually, they know, though, 'cause there's a picture
of where you're standing next to him,
and they're like, "Oh, someone went digging
in the bargain bin." [ Laughter ]
"That's a tiny guy."
I don't mind -- I don't mind a tiny guy.
And society tells us, as women, that our boyfriends
are supposed to be bigger than us.
'Cause fashion, you know?
Boyfriend jeans. You know, when their boyfriend's
and you're like, "They're my boyfriend's,
and I stole them, and they're big on me,
and he's so big, and I'm little.
Can you tell, boyfriend?
[ Laughter ]
I have a boyfriend, and these are his,
and they're my P.J.'s now."
And it's just like, "I have never had that."
My boyfriends' jeans --
Well, these are them. And...
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Thank you.
[ Laughing ] Thank you.
It's true. It's true.
His favorite pair.
Oh, I am just -- I'm so exhausted being single.
It is so much upkeep.
I have to wear makeup all the time.
Like, during the day.
I used to go out during the day in my 20s without makeup on,
and I was like, "You know what? If I meet the man
I'm meant to be with, he'll see me for me."
I'm 34 now, and I'm like, "Bitch, wear your mask."
Like, every day is Halloween for you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Trick or treat.
No, trick a man into loving you or die alone.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, I -- This is a lie.
Okay, guys, let me tell you what I'm doing up here.
I'm doing contouring.
That's where you draw shadows on your face
to make it look like you have bone structure you don't have.
And then, on top of that, I do, like, a dewy shimmer
so it looks like I may have woken up
in a meadow earlier today.
You don't know.
You don't know where I sleep. [ Laughter ]
That's -- [ Laughs ] That is the look now -- dewy.
Everyone's supposed to look dewy.
That's not good! That means you have dew on you!
That means you've been left out overnight somewhere.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Not good.
Every time I complain about makeup,
I always have one guy that's like, "You know what?
I honestly like a lady without makeup.
I like a natural look. I really do."
And I'm like, "Oh, you like men.
That's cool to know about you.
'Cause that's what I look like without makeup.
I look like a man.
And I'm not insulting myself saying that.
I kind of, like, love the guy I look like.
Like, he's kind of a cool guy. [ Laughter ]
You would like him.
He's like a hardworking American man, but he lets loose.
Oh, my God. I'm the type of guy,
without makeup, that organizes charity bike rides
across the country.
And you go, "How does he have time for this?"
And it's like, "He doesn't. He makes time."
Like, that's who I am without makeup.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Oh. You seriously would love him.
And if you date me, you'll meet him.
You will meet him eventually.
Two weeks in, one morning, you'll roll over,
and I'll just be like, "Hey, man, I'm Tucker.
Nice to meet you." [ Laughter ]
"Thanks for letting me crash last night.
My girl had fun. She'll be back."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks, guys! I've been Tucker!
♪♪
-Unbelievable, pal!
Oh, my God. Fantastic.
Nikki Glaser right there! [ Cheers and applause ]