- [Narrator] Do you love seeing people get humiliated?
Are you in need
of a good old-fashioned plane crash?
How about a car crash?
Well gather around the fire
and let me tell you
the story of Marimar,
a Mexican telenovela
with so many face slaps
and bitchy eye rolls
that you'll probably need a Xanax
to get through it,
because telenovelas
are
hell.
(guitar music)
(explosion booms)
Marimar is the story
of a very poor girl
who takes baths in the ocean
and has never cut her toe nails
in her entire life.
Marimar lives in a straw hut
with her abuelitos
who are like 112 years old
and always look like they're lost,
and her best friend,
a dog that talks
with the voice of a 50-year-old grown man.
One day, Marimar's grandparents tell her
that they're sick and tired
of only eating fish,
so she sneaks into someone's private farm
to steal a carrot and some eggs.
Except she get caught by a man
who tries to force himself on her.
Immediately,
her dog comes to her rescue,
(dog barks)
so the man tries to shoot him
but instead,
shoots an innocent chicken
that happened to be walking by
minding its own business.
Sergio, the owner of the land,
and also owner of a very healthy amount
of hair on his chest,
hears the shots and rescues Marimar.
He feels bad for her,
so he lets her keep the eggs
and the carrot,
and he even throws in a tomato
and the chicken
with the bullet in it.
His kindness is so big
that she instantly
falls in love with him.
The next day, Sergio and his father
are riding horses
wearing matching outfits
when they bump into Marimar,
and he's like,
And she's like,
So he invites her over
and is like
Marimar follows his hygiene instructions
so he comes over
carrying a trash bag
with a wrinkled, hideous
wedding dress inside,
and they get married.
I know.
It's the most romantic thing
you've ever seen.
Things get even more
terrible for Marimar
when she moves in
with Sergio's rich family
and his garbage stepmom immediately
starts treating Marimar
like crap for being poor.
She humiliates her by making her wear
this terrible gown that looks like if
a Disney princess exploded.
And then, offers her a gold bracelet,
but only if she scoops out of the mud with her mouth.
It gets worse, guys,
because then
she has her arrested
for stealing the bracelet.
Marimar gets put in jail,
where she has to share a cell
with a drunk senior citizen
that eats all her food.
Is this not enough drama for you?
Well, here's some more.
While Marimar is in jail,
she gets informed
that her grandparents' hut
has been set on fire,
and that they're both dead.
Oh.
And that her husband left her
to join a soccer team.
(dramatic music)
When Marimar gets released from prison,
she moves to Mexico City,
where she gets a job working
as a maid
to this rich guy who only wears robes.
He takes a special liking to her,
and makes her dress like a schoolgirl
and creepily stares at her
while teaching her
how to read,
how to chew food,
how to walk
and of course,
how to dress
like a badass bitch.
One day,
Marimar discovers that her rich boss
is actually her dad.
(audience gasps)
The creepy coincidences
don't stop there.
Guess who Marimar bumps into
while on a date
with her dad at the opera?
Yep, her shag-carpet-chested husband
who abandoned her,
and is now kicking himself
in the ass because she's looking hotter
and more refined than ever.
Things seem chill now,
so obviously
we know tragedy is about to strike.
Out of nowhere,
Marimar's dad gets very sick,
so Marimar desperately gets him
to sign a will
so she can have all his money
while the man is literally
choking on his deathbed.
Classy.
Now Marimar is rich, and honey,
she's out for revenge.
First,
she sues Sergio for unpaid child support
for a baby
that she had somewhere along the line.
Next,
she buys his stepmom's estate
just so she can have her beg for it back
and retrieve the ownership papers
by digging her face through the mud.
This is next level petty.
In case Sergio and his family
didn't suffer enough
for what they put Marimar through,
the telenovela gods deliver
by having Sergio's plane crash
while he's taking a flying lesson.
(airplane explodes)
And just for shits and giggles,
make his stepmom
get into a nightmare car accident
that causes her to literally burn alive.
Now that Sergio has no dignity left,
Marimar is finally ready to forgive him
and take him back.
So the couple gets married
and he gives her a kiss
so passionate,
it looks like he's about
to rip her face off.
The end.