I was in a 5 year Ph.D. program and it took me 7 years to get to the end of it.
I was doing a dissertation and it didn't go that well.
I had to stop it, restart a whole new dissertation, research wasn't really my strongest area.
BUT I was really really confident about my clinical skills, my ability to treat psychological
disorders.
And because I was doing my program in 7 years it gave me a lot of time to get extra training
treating anxiety disorders.
I also felt more confident because I got in to Bellevue Hospital, one of the most competitive
internships in psychology.
One of the first things I had to do at Bellevue was fill out this self-assessment where we
rate how our abilities are in regards to diagnosing, treating, and providing consultation to other
healthcare providers - all the stuff that a psychologist has to do.
When I gave this to my training director she reviewed it and then looked back at me and
said, "You're telling me that there's no area left for improvement, that you know everything
that you need to know."
I told her, "I feel pretty good about my skills, I just need to refine them, but I think I'm
kinda good."
She looked back at me and said, "We're going to make sure you get some new experiences
here at Bellevue, get exposure to things that you've never done before."
The year started out really well.
My first rotation was an inpatient unit, I had done something like that before, it was
easy.
But my second rotation was oncology and palliative care and it was a little bit different...
I'm used to working in psychology departments where your office has a couch, a couple of
chairs, it's comfy, it's very cozy.
Palliative care was on a medical unit.
My first day I walk into the unit and it's got that hospital smell, there are all these
buzzing sounds, there's a nursing station, and there aren't really offices like I'm used
to.
The first case I got was an individual who had recently had a surgery and was dealing
with intense anger issues.
I thought, "Okay, I know what to do, I know how to help people who are struggling with
anger...".
I go in to do the evaluation and the patient is behind this curtain.
I look around and there's nowhere for me to sit down.
So I just stand by his bedside.
When I'm looking at him, I'm distracted by all of these tubes that are going into his
body.
I've never really had a patient like that before.
Every patient I've had has been well enough to walk into an office and walk out.
But this individual couldn't do that.
He was screaming out in pain throughout the evaluation and about 45 minutes go by and
I get this weird feeling inside.
I'm thinking to myself, "I must be experiencing anxiety.
I know what to do with anxiety - you take some deep breaths."
[BREATHS IN AND OUT]
And then I felt worse.
I knew I needed to get out of there.
I told the patient, "Excuse me, I'll be right back."
I started walking towards the door.
I got to the door and I grabbed onto it.
The last thought I had was, "My soul is being sucked out by a Dementor."
And then I crashed!
I hit the ground and I was out.
I remember waking up with all these nurses around me and they were wheeling me to the
ER at Bellevue.
I remember overhearing the doctors saying, "Here we have a gunshot wound, here we have
an individual who just experienced their first seizure, and here we've got a psychology trainee
from upstairs who just passed out."
My instincts were completely wrong.
What I thought was anxiety was actually a vasovagal response.
The deep breathing I did is the one thing you're
not supposed to do in that situation because it lowers your blood pressure and it makes
you more likely to faint.
I experienced the Dunning-Kruger Effect: We over estimate our abilities, especially when
we're inexperienced at something.
What sounds like arrogance or being cocky is usually ignorance and lack of experience.
It turns out that humans are really bad at self-assessment.
We often don't know what our blind spots are.
The only way we can grow and get better is by embracing ignorance, by exploring situations
we've never been exposed to, and then getting real honest feedback from people who are more
experienced than us.
Otherwise we get stuck, we're overconfident, we make mistakes and we don't even realize
we're making them.
Passing out in front of all of my colleagues and my patient was really embarrassing.
But it also taught me an important lesson: whenever you're given the opportunity, embrace
something you haven't done, and always ask for real honest feedback.
That's it, that's the only way we can ever get better and improve.
Has your confidence ever gotten you into trouble?
Did you ever discover blind spots you didn't know you had and how did you deal with those
situations?
Let me know in the comments below.
I'm @alimattu on social media.
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