- Where are the cat people who like cats?
People who like cats?
[cheers and applause]
Cats?
Decent, that's a decent response, actually.
All right, where are the dog people who like dogs?
[cheers and applause]
Ferrets. Where are the ferret people?
[mild cheers and applause]
♪ Highway run ♪
Just kidding.
All right, this next portion of my show
is about how much I think cats are selfish pieces of shit.
They are shitty, shitty animals!
They don't care about anyone.
They don't care about anybody.
And I'm sure you're like, "Hey, Nick, what's the deal?
Why are you so mad at cats?"
I'll tell you.
I got attacked by a cat.
Attacked, sir. I don't mean scratched.
I mean attacked.
I don't know if you've ever been attacked by a house cat.
It is the most horrifying/embarrassing thing
that could ever happen to you at one time.
It's so embarrassing.
So my mom gets a new cat back in Minnesota.
She's all like, "So you're coming into town.
I have a new cat. His name is Snowy."
'Cause he's white! Ha-ha-ha-ha, Mom!
She goes, "You got to meet him. Oh, you got to meet him."
That's what she kept saying. I don't know how you meet a cat.
Like, "Hey, what's up? Snowy, right?
"Hey, what's up? Nick. Yeah, I'm an actor, whatever.
"So you're a cat, right? That's cool.
"That's got to be weird, right?
You're smaller and shit. Okay, cool."
But I make an effort, okay? It's my mom.
It's her cat she loves.
She goes to sleep one night,
late, like 2:30 in the morning.
I'm like, "You know what? I'm gonna clock in some hours
with old Snowy here." She goes to bed.
I'm in my boxers 'cause I'm ready for bed too.
So I'm like, "Ah, let's go hang out with Snowy."
So we're, like, lying on the carpet,
and I'm petting him. It's a nice moment.
He's petting me. It's nice.
All of a sudden, he snaps. Just snaps on a dime.
Out of nowhere, he just jumps up,
and he's like...
And just stares at me like I'm a fucking Avatar
or something. He does--he can't process wh--
all a sudden, what's going on.
Stares at me, and he did it, like, on his own.
Like, I didn't, like, finger his asshole,
and then he--and then he, like, flipped out.
It wasn't like, "Hey, why are you being weird?
"Snowy, why are you being weird?
You don't like to get fingered? Weirdo."
No. On his own, just jumps up,
and then does the crazy-as-shit cat move
where he just looks at me and just goes...
[wailing]
Now, that's not a positive sound.
I can pretty much figure that out.
That's not gonna end well.
He's not gonna be like, "[wailing]
Hooray."
No. That's a bad sound.
I don't even know where it comes from in the cat's body.
It's, like, from, like, the depths of Hell.
[wailing]
Like, oh, my God.
I love that sound in the summer when you, like, hear it.
Like, when you're, like, in your house.
You have, like, the window open,
and you just hear, like, in an alley somewhere, like...
[wailing]
You're like, "Shit's going down over there.
Shit is going down out there."
[wailing]
I always feel like women should use that sound.
Yeah, if you're, like, at a bar or a club,
and, like, some guy's being a dick,
like, "What's up, bitches?"
Just look at him and be like...
[wailing]
So he does the cat thing where he hisses.
[hisses]
At me. [hisses]
Then he attacks. [screeches]
I'm in my underwear, by the way, boxer shorts.
Just ravaging my legs. I don't know what to do.
It's a fucking cat.
Just-- [screeches]
I'm like, "Don't do that.
"Please stop doing that. Please don't do that.
I don't like that. That is--"
It's on me. [screeches]
Awful.
Part of me wanted to end the whole thing right there
and just be like...
Dah!
Just some
Dah!
But I didn't. It's my mom's cat.
I'm a nice guy. I'm not a psycho.
So I did the manly thing, right, guy?
And I ran.
I was like, "No." [screech]
"Go away.
Go away, Snowy! Go away!"
Then I hide.
It's even more embarrassing.
So I run into the bathroom and hide from a fucking cat.
Let's reiterate that. It's a cat, a house cat.
So I hide. I close the bathroom door.
I'm like, "Oh, my God. What do I do?"
No idea what to do, scared.
I try to call the police. It's, like, a weird thing.
"Can you deal with cats?"
So--and I'm holding the door. I catch myself holding the door.
I don't know why. He's not gonna come
through the door.
It's not gonna be like
where he's, like, gonna chip away through the door,
like, with his claw, like, "Here's Snowy!"
So this is why cats are assholes,
but they're also smart. I'll give them that.
So I'm holding the door. The cat--I don't know this--
goes through the living room, through the kitchen,
through the back bedroom,
to the other door to the bathroom behind me.
I don't know that.
So I'm, like, figuring out what I'm gonna do.
I just hear...
[wailing]
[slow motion] "Snowy, no."
[screeches]
Attacks me again.
Again, I lose. Round two goes to Snowy.
And then the next day,
I wake up excited to tell my mom that her cat is crazy.
And I literally wake up,
my mom's cooking breakfast in the kitchen,
Snowy's on the couch like...
And then I walk in. My legs are bloody as shit.
And my mom, like, sees me and she sees my legs, she's like,
"Oh...what happened?"
I go, "What happened?
"Apparently, Snowy is addicted to PCP,
"and he freebases it when you go to sleep at night,
and then he loses his fucking mind!"
And this is why women have, like,
a weird connection with cats.
I've known my mom my whole life.
Whole life, day one. Day one.
She's had this cat for a month.
My own mother looks at her son and his bloody legs,
and after I said that the cat did it,
she looks at me and just goes, "No.
You did that."
"I did that to mys--to myself? I did that?
To mys--I cut my own body up to frame a cat?"
But this is why dogs are great. A dog will save your life.
If it can't fight somebody off, it'll at least warn you,
will at least help somehow.
You know what I mean? If somebody--
guy comes into your house with a machete, a ski mask,
a dog'll be like, "What?
"Is that a machete?
"Oh, my God.
"And a ski mask?
"That guy's not going skiing.
"Nick's asleep.
"Oh, my God.
"I got to tell him. I got to tell him.
"Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!
"Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!
"Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!
"Nick! Nick! Nick!
"Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!
Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!"
Try to warn you.
You know what a cat's gonna do? A cat's gonna be like...
[chuckles]
[laughing] "Oh, my God.
"Is that a machete?
"That's a machete.
"And a ski mask.
"And Nick's asleep.
And Nick's fucking dead."
Okay.