Bert and Ernie are beloved Sesame Street characters,
but the question on everyone's mind this week
was if that segment was brought to you
by the letters LGBTQ.
We are back now with Bert and Ernie
and the burning question this morning,
are they best friends or something more?
The question was raised publicly by a recent interview
with former Sesame Street writer Mark Saltzman.
"Were you thinking of Bert and Ernie as a gay couple?"
Saltzman, who joined the show in 1984, responded in part...
(reading):
Saltzman's recollection set it off on social media
and brought responses from Sesame Workshop,
declaring in part that Bert and Ernie...
(reading):
Wait.
Muppets don't have a sexual orientation?
Uh, that's weird, because I know for a fact
that Kermit and Miss Piggy smash hard.
That's what I... I know.
I know this. They...
(cheering and applause)
They even did an episode
when the Count counted all their sex positions.
He was like, "One, reverse cowgirl.
"Two, Sudanese jackhammer.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"
Now, I don't really know if Bert and Ernie are gay.
'Cause, I mean, on the one hand, two guys living together
for 40 years could mean they're gay,
but it could also just be that they live in New York
and apartments are expensive.
And also, if they were gay, let's be honest,
that eyebrow would have been addressed by now.
Would have been dealt with.
(cheering and applause)
But let's move on. Let's move on,
because a school superintendent in Texas did something racist.
A Texas school superintendent's job may be on the line
after he made a racist remark
about Houston Texans quarterback Deshaun Watson.
On a Facebook post about the Texans,
Onalaska ISD superintendent Lynn Redden wrote,
"When you need precision decision-making,
you can't count on a black quarterback."
Well, parents whose kids attend the school district
were quick to come out against Redden's comment.
I think he needs to be checked out for that.
That needs to be addressed.
You think that comment's racist?
It sure sounds like it to me.
(laughter)
Okay, I'm-I'm gonna be honest.
I didn't expect that accent
to say something woke.
I'm not gonna lie.
Like, I watched that clip
thinking I was gonna see a story about a racist,
and it turns out I'm the racist.
Because that was great. He's right.
Like, now I'm imagining that there's an entire crew
of Southern progressives just running around like,
"Hey, boy, we don't take kindly to racists around here.
"This here's tolerance country, you hear?
"And by the way, congratulations to Bert and Ernie.
Live your truth, boys. Yee-haw!"
(cheering and applause)
It's amazing.
Oh, in other new, in other news,
Stormy Daniels has a new book out,
and the details are way too detailed.
New excerpts from Stormy Daniels.
Her book was just released, and in it,
she describes her intimate encounter with President Trump.
And we'll give you the daytime TV version.
She says the president's you-know-what looks,
"like the mushroom character in Mario Kart."
And in case you're wondering,
here is the character, uh, named Toad.
That's right. In her new book,
Stormy Daniels says that Trump's penis looks like Toad.
And, first of all, gross.
Uh, second of all, gross.
Uh, third, this shouldn't be on the real news.
I mean, we could cover it.
But people shouldn't be up for Pulitzers
for getting the Trump Toad dick scoop.
I don't think that should be on the news.
And, like, by-- Like, I have so many questions now.
Like, did, like-- does it include the shoes?
Like, does Trump's dick have tiny little shoes? Does--
Like, it's got a vest. Does his penis have a vest?
Because now I'm picturing, like, a penis wearing a vest.
And Trump's like, "Sometimes it gets chilly.
You got to keep it warm." I, like...
And, also, what I want to know is when did Stormy Daniels
discover Trump's dick looked like Toad.
Were they having sex and she was like,
"Oh, damn, where's Mario and Luigi?"
Or was it years later when she was playing Mario Kart
for the first time and she was driving
and she was like, "Oh, there it is!"
Either way, I'm not gonna lie, I hate this story.
I hate this story. Because now it's made me wonder
if Trump has other Mario-related things about it.
Like, now I just picture Trump getting frisky, like,
"Now I'm gonna go down on you."
(humming Mario music)