You’ve heard us talk about improving communicative competence on this channel before, but did
you know that there is something called romantic competence?
Improving romantic competence is essentially our answer to better relationships.
Wouldn’t we all like to have a guide for better relationships? Preferably one that
is not woo-woo but instead backed in science? Today we’re going to look at the 3 essential
skills everyone needs for healthy relationships. What’s up Explearners. Mary Daphne here
of explearning.co where we believe social skills are the key to the Good Life. What’s
the Good Life? It’s where you call the shots, you have a crew you can count on, and you’re
on a mission you care about. As humans we are innately social creatures
and we are relational beings. Many of us strive to have healthy, nurturing, and fulfilling
relationships. But it’s not like they teach us in school
how to have relationships. Instead, we learn that peripherally from a young age. People
in our immediate environment set the example – parents, family, and friends. But we also
see examples of relationships – both the healthy and unhealthy ones – from pop culture
and social media. I mean, there’s a lot to unpack in a love
song, amirite? And then there’s firsthand experience. Because
there will come a time when we find ourselves in a relationship and we have to sink or swim.
With good communication you’ll swim, but we’re taking it a step further with this
video by understanding the three core skills that comprise romantic competence, which is
a concept put forth by Dr. Joanne Davila, a psychology professor and director of clinical
training at Stony Brook University. Whether or not you’re in a relationship
right now does not matter. What matters is that you have the three tools ready to go
in your Explearning toolkit ready so that your romantic competence is on fleek.
Let’s first look at the definition of romantic competence according to Dr. Davila:
Romantic competence is “the ability to function adaptively across all areas or all aspects
of the relationship process [including] … figuring out what you need, finding the right person,
building a healthy relationship, [and] getting out of relationships that are unhealthy.”
Sounds like it’s important. Ready for the first skill?
1) Insight Insight has to do with awareness, understanding,
and learning. If you have insight, you know who you are, what your needs are, and what
you desire in life. It also helps explain why you do certain things or behave a certain
way. To improve this skill, we want to tap into
our intrapersonal communication and learn to listen to ourselves. Journaling, spending
time alone, exercise, and getting out in nature can help us strengthen our inner voice.
What’s cool about insight is that, not only does it help you find your “why” (in the
Simon Sinek sense), it also helps you understand your partner better.
With insight comes clarity for the consequences of your actions. You’ll know that yelling
back to your partner will escalate things further, when you should seek to dissipate
the tension. In another scenario, you’ll know that sending an angry email will not
get you the outcome you seek, and instead that a face-to-face meeting can help clear
the air. And the last part of insight is learning.
We know that failure can be a valuable learning experience. So if we consider past events
and their outcomes, we can modify our behavior and communication accordingly, because now
you know the right thing to do. Once you know what you want and need in a
relationship, you’ll be able to choose a partner more wisely. Moreover, once you have
that partner, you’ll be able to share with them these insights. In turn, they’ll feel
free to do the same, and that creates a positive feedback cycle.
See how, just with this first skill, we’re making great headway with romantic competence?
Alright onto the second skill. 2) Mutuality
Mutuality is about understanding that a relationship is a two-way street. It’s not all give and
it’s not all take. It’s the recognition that your partner has needs that are equally
as important to your own. Some advice here: be vocal about your needs.
Don’t rely on telepathy or that your partner will just know to make dinner because you
had a long day at work. You have to audibly voice your needs. You can’t expect your
partner to be a mind reader. Remember, just because you have needs, that
does not make you needy. We’re all in need of love – to love and
be loved – so by that definition, we’re all needy.
So be mindful of your partner’s needs as well as your own.
And in order for your partner to know what’s important to you, tell them explicitly.
Let’s say your partner needs to make their smoothie first thing in the morning before
doing anything else, because that’s how they set themselves up for a great day. Well,
mutuality will allow you to support your partner in this, even though you don’t necessary
love hearing the blender go off early in the morning.
The point here is that mutuality brings in a certain level respect to the relationship
because you’re respecting each other’s needs.
Ultimately, mutuality allows you to consider both you and your partner’s needs in any
big decision. Where to move, what job to take, whether to take the next step in the relationship
be it marriage, children, etc. Ready for the final skill?
3) Emotion Regulation Some people might find emotional regulation
to be the most challenging part of romantic competence, particularly if you identify as
a reactive person. We have a lesson about how to respond instead
of react, so definitely look into those if this is something you’re struggling with.
The key here is to be fully self-aware of our emotions and what causes us to react the
way we do. Pay attention to what your triggers are. The next time you get upset, try to identify
what the source of those emotions were. And then ask yourself “do I really need
to scream at the top of my lungs over this?” or “Is the silent treatment really the best
way to handle this type of situation?” Try to come up with some alternative ways that
you can address the situation. Ways that are more emotionally mature.
Not only does emotional regulation allow you to stay calm with your partner, it also gives
you perspective on your relationship. Consider if making a big deal about this one thing
is going to cause more damage than good. Then maybe just let it go. After all, if you fight
over every single thing, then you might as well be in a boxing rink as opposed to in
a relationship. Choose your battles. And when you do engage,
do so in a thoughtful, emotionally mature way.
--- So there you have it, three core skills for
developing romantic competence. To quickly recap:
Insight is about knowing thyself. Understand who you are and what motivates you, which
will equip you to better understand how you engage with your partner.
Mutuality is recognizing there are two people in a relationship and both have needs that
should be addressed. Value each person's needs equally.
Emotion Regulation is about being thoughtful with how you respond to stimuli. Your partner
knows you and loves you. Keep this in mind the next time they do something that might
push your buttons and temper your response accordingly.
If all of this is new to you, then start by working on one skill at a time. With practice,
it’ll become second nature and you won’t even realize you’re doing it.
In combination, these skills will help you foster a robust romantic competence that will
ensure a strong foundation for your relationships. And that’s important because when we’re
in a relationship we care about, we want to do as much as we can to make it to last.
So now that I've shared our thoughts, I want to hear about what works for you. What other
strategies can you share with the Explearning community to develop your romantic competence?
And what challenges have you encountered? Share those two things with me in the comments
below. And, if you loved this lesson, please be sure
to let me know. You can give this video a thumb’s up on YouTube and if you haven’t
done so already subscribe to join our tribe of Explearners so you never miss a lesson.
If you ring that bell, you’ll get notified about new lessons and our weekly live streams.
Email this video to a friend or coworker who also wants to supercharge their social skills.
While we’re at it, feel free to also share it with your Facebook friends as well!
And remember, the writeup of these lessons are always available on our blog at explearning.co/blog.
With that, have an awesome week, Explearners. Thank you so much for joining me and I’ll
see you next time for your next Explearning lesson.
Happy Explearning