Greetings guys, gals, and non-binary pals and welcome back to another video,
In my childhood bedroom, in Aotearoa, New Zealand.
I'm your host, Kiwi!
I'm sorry. That just felt like it flowed really well so I just went with it.
So, I've been asking a lot on Twitter and on Instagram what videos you all want to see from me,
And I've been receiving an overwhelming report of wanting to see things a few more positive videos.
And one that was recommended a lot was r/ActualLesbians,
Which is just a Reddit of queer women being queer.
And it's great.
And I thought that we would look at it and share all this queer love together,
This queer, WLW love.
I try to match my outfits to my videos.
Sometimes better than others.
But today, I'm wearing my Pride Kiwi tee available at insectumclothing.com.
Help support me, a small business, and some New Zealand wildlife with every purchase.
I'm wearing my Hyunjin Maniac goggles because...
I don't need an explanation for that. We all know what that means.
And my She Ra sword earrings.
Listen, it sounds like it should be easy.
It sounds like, yeah, I know what I should do.
I know what I would like to happen.
But that requires having any form of like, confidence and self-esteem.
And that's not happening.
I say this all the time.
Like, a large chunk of my channel is me talking about relationships and communication.
And I talk a lot about like...
Sex, and like initiating conversation and stuff like that. But I...
Am so...
I need people to tell me-
I need people to tell me what I want.
I can't make decisions to save my goddamn f_cking life.
I can't do sh_t for myself.
Oh. I've got some stuff to work on.
That is a very good question.
I...
I feel like this directly ties to what I just said before.
I don't know what I want. You have to tell me what I want.
I'm just going to sit here in silence for the rest of this video.
I say too much about myself sometimes.
I feel like I feel like I overshare...
Half my life has been oversharing on the internet. It's too late now.
Now it's just with way more people.
So.... It's fine.
That's me. I am a gay mergirl.
That's my dream.
My middle name- One of my middle names is Ariel.
Named after the mermaid.
And I have claimed and used that my entire life.
Every time people mention mermaids, "I was named after a mermaid!"
I used to swim competitively as a child.
I live in the ocean.
The ocean is my favourite place to be.
If I- If I had to die anywhere, it would be in the ocean.
It doesn't scare me. I f_cking- I love the ocean. I love the ocean so much.
I am- I am a gay mergirl.
And I will steal your girlfriend and swim away.
That's not a threat. That's a promise.
I would love this.
I want this.
Someone take me back to their house and show me all their plants.
To be honest, this would be me, but with my K-pop albums and my photocards.
I go on a date with you?
You come back to my house and you walk into my lounge,
And you've got my three K-pop shelves.
And what's that in the corner? Oh!
It's our binders! You want to have a look?
Wow! Look!
This is my flex on- Wow.
And that's how the date would go.
30-minute plant tour? Sign me up.
3 hour K-pop tour?
Sign me up.
I mean, if anyone wants that...
Hit me up.
Uh, we can go on a date and then I'll show you all my K-pop albums and my photocards.
So...
Currently- Currently all my albums are in a storage locker.
But you bet your bottom f_cking dollar that we're traveling the world with our full photocard collection right now.
I think that's pretty gay of me.
Just a very different type of gay to the plant tour.
Kind of like the- the goggles.
I'm the goggle gay.
The Stray Kids goggle gay.
Moving on.
I remember doing this because my mom also told me that like, you know,
Boys- Boys Boys aren't it.
Boys are sh_t. Uh... F_ck boys, girls are so much better.
Girls are so much prettier.
My mom is a heterosexual woman.
So I just... thought that these were heterosexual things to say.
Sometimes, like, I question things.
Girls are just prettier.
I never had crushes like at all growing up.
The first person like I ever had a crush on was Luke Hemmings and that was when I was 14.
But like, I also didn't really know what a crush was.
But when I was like a kid, I would constantly find myself looking at like girls and women and being like,
"Oh my god, she's so pretty! She's so pretty."
And I would lie awake at night and think about like-
I'd have these thoughts of like, "What if I like girls? What if I like girls?"
"No, I can't like girls because then I can't have kids and I really want kids."
Because, you know, six-year-olds.
I- I just knew you needed a man and a woman to have kids. I didn't really know much more than that,
So I was like, "No. I can't like girls because I want to have kids."
A lot has changed since then.
Yeah. I just convinced myself that like I didn't like girls, I just thought they were pretty and way better than guys.
And I didn't like boys, I liked girls, but like in- in- in- in- in a straight way.
I didn- And then I got older and I realized I didn't care.
I never- I never tried to hide that I liked girls.
It was like, once it came into question, I never denied it or thought about it.
But as a kid, I was confused by it, you know?
That didn't make sense.
Basically, since I was 11-years-old, I said I wanted to marry Demi Lovato.
So... that's really all I can say about that.
My first actual crush I had was Luke Hemmings when I was 14.
But when I was 11, I said I wanted to marry Demi Lovato.
So, like, make that make sense.
Whenever we play Kiss Mary Kill, I always complained if there were any like men on the list.
They would always, always lose to anyone.
Didn't matter. The women are winning.
Um, but like in a straight way, though.
Obviously.
Same. Same.
Now, listen. I-
Putting my feet down a little bit because it's about to get a little bit deeper.
Um, listen. This is a conversation I see happen...
A lot and I understand the biphobia in this conversation,
Of women saying that, you know, "I wish I didn't like men. I wish I wasn't attracted to men."
That sort of thing. I understand how that can come across as biphobic.
Um, even when it comes from like queer or bi people themselves.
And I do understand the problem with that.
I personally, in the position I am currently in, do struggle with that a little bit.
Because over lockdown my ability to not interact with men at all, obviously, was like super high.
I didn't interact with men like at all, all throughout lockdown.
Because I didn't have to. I couldn't really.
And then I came out of lockdown and I decided to go out with this guy that I'd seen before lockdown,
That I realized that my PTSD had gotten so much worse.
And my like fear of men had gotten like so, so much worse.
It was really upsetting and really like- I just really was really shaken by it.
I didn't realize how bad it was that like,
I never took a break between like my abusive relationship and then like dating and like sex and stuff like that.
I like went straight from being in an abusive relationship to like seeing other people, because I didn't want to process it.
And so having the two years to process and actually distance myself from like physical relationships...
Made me scared.
And then I went out with a man and like had a PTSD episode that lasted for a week.
So...
I'm in a position...
Where I really do wish I was a little bit gayer.
Because it's really annoying to be attracted to someone, and then like go out with them and have like a trauma episode because of it.
When they've done nothing. You just have ptsd and it's sh_t.
But that's my little storytime.
I don't know why I felt the need to justify that.
I guess I just sort of wanted to let you all know that this is a thing that's happened to me.
Maybe it's happened to you as well.
And I think it does really affect a lot of people's sexualities.
Like, if you've had trauma from anyone, it's gonna affect your sexuality.
I have had sexual trauma from a man, and from a woman, and from a non-binary person.
So I'm kind of...
In a bit of- In a bit of a situation.
Kind of not had the best of times.
Um, but the worst, my long-term abusive relationship was with a man. So that's much worse overall.
I- I feel like I am coming across as not sober.
I promise I'm sober. I'm just unhinged and I forgot to take my medication.
"Chest pillows." Brilliant. Fantastic.
This is super wholesome. This is really cute. I really like this.
It's really lovely.
Asexuality is totally valid, along with any form of romantic attraction that may come with that.
Being like, an asexual lesbian, asexual biromantic, asexual romantic, asexual heteroromantic, etc,
All completely valid.
And I hope that you find someone with...
Brilliant chest pillows for you to sleep on.
Or not! I don't know what you're into, I don't know what you like,
But... I love this. This is cute and I wish you happiness.
Yeah, this is the story of like everyone's lives.
Oh my gosh.
Communication is key.
But communicating is very scary and very difficult because...
What if- What if- What if they don't feel the same way?
"What's the worst they can do? Say no?"
Exactly. And that is scary
Rejection is scary.
Listen, I can dish out advice, but actually taking it on board is very difficult.
Girls are scary.
I love women. I love women but women terrify me.
They're so intimidating and so beautiful and...
Step on me- What?
I didn't say that. You heard nothing.
Moving on.
Please.
Can we please make that a thing?
Hey, queer women.
We all need swords.
And we should all be posing with them on Tinder.
And just in general. Every day.
I would like to see your best sword pictures.
If you have a sword, take photos with your sword and tweet them to me.
I would like to admire the power.
This is a freaking sick...
Lesbian flag. "I f_cking love women" with a T-rex and a gun and the- the two women...
Signs.
Très magnifique!
Brilliant. This is a sick flag.
I would like for flags to look like this.
Can we start doing- Like, can we- can we get one of these for- for every sexuality immediately.
And I would like them on a t-shirt right now because this is dope.
I'm not a lesbian, so I can't use this flag,
But I would like one for myself. I don't really- I don't have a flag.
This is- this is the queer flag, but in all honesty, I did not know this existed until- until very recently.
Because I use "Queer" as like an umbrella term, right?
I just use it as like part of the LGBT. And I-
So I usually use just the rainbow.
I didn't know there was a separate flag for it but there is.
Side tangent again. If you want one, link in the description.
I agree. Absolutely. I- 1000-
Being saved by a knight in shining armour, but it's a woman?!
Best plot twist ever.
This is a brilliant question. This is a fantastic conversation.
I want someone to scream at me, "What are your adjectives?"
I would marry this person.
I don't even believe in marriage.
I don't know anything about this person other than their adjectives, and that is all I need to know.
That's all I need to know. We should start telling people our adjectives.
What are my adjectives?
You know what, this is a harder question than I thought.
I might have to think on this one.
Comment below what your adjectives are.
And comment below what you think my adjectives are, because I'm- I'm struggling.
I realize that I strug- I struggle with thoughts.
Because I feel... Like gay?
But like, that's too obvious, you know?
This is brilliant. This is beautiful. This is wonderful.
Something I loved about this subreddit is how much like...
Trans lesbian love there is.
I loved how much like acceptance and love there was for trans lesbians.
Because I know that a lot of the time trans people can feel really left out of like...
Other queer spaces.
It's really nice that there's like a space for them and I loved seeing it and it made me very happy.
And, yes.
Trans lesbians are valid lesbians.
I think I'm gonna pull the plug here.
I've been here for a really long time. I don't think I've made any sense.
I don't even know how much of this is gonna actually be the video.
I feel like this- I've been filming for 45 minutes and the video is gonna be 5 minutes long because...
I don't have a brain today.
I had to- I had to see family that I hadn't seen in six years.
I hung out with children that I didn't even know freaking existed.
My sister and I are the youngest of our generation.
My family on both my mom's side and my dad's side.
And on my mom's side, all my cousins have kids.
The oldest is 13.
And like today, I saw six of them and I hadn't met any of them.
And the oldest one was eight.
No, I met him one time.
Eight years ago.
Like, I just- I hung out with six children that I am related to that I've never met.
I saw my homophobic aunties and uncles,
But I managed to dodge talking to them by hanging out with their grandkids instead.
Which is way more fun. I would way, way rather hang out with like six small children than like four adults who I strongly-
I don't want to say dislike, but strongly don't want to have a conversation with.
So I hung out with a three-year-old instead.
She was great. I loved her. I had a great time...
Chasing around a three-year-old and her sister and her cousins. It was good fun.
Kids are great when you can give them back and you don't have to spend your money on them.
Thank you so much for coming.
Uh, yeah.
A massive thank you to my sprout and above patrons whose names are up on the screen right now.
With an extra special thank you to my kiwi cat patrons,
Wolf, Rosa, Talusk, Bobbie, Sparrow, Josh, Mandy, and Robi.
I love and appreciate you guys so so so much. Thank you so much for becoming patrons.
You help out a lot. I hope that you're enjoying the perks and things that you get.
If you would like to become a patron and check out all the things you can get and help support me, I would appreciate that greatly.
And you can go to patreon.com/savvycat
Uh, it's a patreon for our podcast which will be up and running again soon.
We're just having a little bit of technical difficulties, so it's been it's been on a bit of a hiatus.
But it'll be back soon, I promise.
Uh, yeah! Don't forget to follow me on Instagram @TheQueerKiwi and Twitter @ThatQueerKiwi
Subscribe to my second channel. I will be posting video there soon, I promise.
I promise I'm working on it right now.
I pinky- I pinky promise.
I hope that you enjoy the rest of your day.
Stay safe. Keep fighting. I love you.