- It's very exciting day for me,
it's been a very exciting year for me.
I turned,
33 this year.
(cheering)
Yes.
Thank you, five people.
I appreciate that.
I can tell that I'm getting older
because now,
when I see,
an 18 year old girl,
my automatic thought,
is fuck you.
(cheering)
Fuck you.
I don't even know you but fuck you.
(laughter)
Because I'm straight up jealous.
I'm jealous, first and foremost of their metabolism.
Because 18 year old girls,
they could just eat like shit
and then they take a shit and have a six pack.
Right?
They got that beautiful inner thigh clearance,
where they put their feet together
and there's that huge gap here
with the light of potential just radiating through.
(singing)
(laughter)
And then when they go to sleep, they just go to sleep.
Right, they don't have insomnia yet.
They don't know what it's like to have to take a Ambien
or download a meditation oasis podcast,
to calm the chatter of regret
and resentment towards your family
just cluttering your mind.
(laughter)
They have their whole lives ahead of them,
they don't have HPV yet.
They just go to sleep in peace at night.
(laughter)
Everybody has HPV.
Okay?
Everybody has it.
It's okay.
Come out already.
Everybody has it.
If you don't have it yet, you gon get it.
You gon get it.
It's coming.
If you don't have HPV yet, you're a fucking loser.
All right?
That's what that says about you.
(laughter)
A lot of men don't know that they have HPV
because it's undetectable in men,
it's really fucked up.
HPV is a ghost that lives inside men's bodies
and says boo, in women's bodies.
(laughter)
My doctor told me that I have one of two strains of HPV.
Either, I have the kind
that's going to turn into cervical cancer.
(gasps)
Or, I have the kind where my body will heal itself.
(laughter)
Very helpful this doctor, right?
So, basically, either I'm going to die,
or you're in the presence of Wolverine, bitches.
(cheering)
We'll find out.
I can also tell that I'm getting older
because my Kindle, is turning into a self-help library.
I'm not interested in books like 50 Shades of Gray.
Okay?
I'm interested in the life-changing magic of tidying up.
(laughter)
Yes.
That's right.
How to declutter my home.
To achieve inner peace in my optimum level of success.
That's what your 30s is all about.
How can I turn this shit around?
I'm a horrible person,
I'm not happy with where I am,
how can I turn this shit around?
Help me Tony Robbins, help me.
I have a hoarding problem,
which I'm hoping is the center of all of my other problems.
I'm hoping if the hoarding goes away,
the HPV will also disappear.
(laughter)