Geoffrey here.
One of the most common comments that I hear from people who are struggling in
their relationship is how confusing their partner is. So in this video,
I'm going to show you why a lot of the processes that we use in the methods that
we use to try to understand our partners on a deeper level is actually often
leaving us more confused and leaving us more lost than before,
and be sure to stick around to the very end of this video,
because this is a massive problem,
but especially a problem when it comes to the context of our long-term
relationship or your marriage.
And if you struggled to understand your partner on this deeper level,
that's going to wreak havoc,
especially when you're trying to save your relationship here,
because you really can't fix something that you don't understand.
And for those of you who are new to this channel,
my name is Geoffrey and I help men in long-term relationships or in marriages
with the right skills, with the right mindsets,
to be able to design a thriving relationship from the long haul.
So if you want more content on this topic,
then I want you to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well,
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if you're new to my channel and you want to explore this topic on a much deeper
level,
I do have a MasterCard that you can join that will dive in depth into this topic
in a deeper way.
So if you want to join that masterclass in the five proven steps to rebuilding
your relationship from the ground up,
then you can stick around until the very end of this video for the announcement
on how you can join that masterclass.
When I see people who are struggling in the relationship,
there are three kinds of questions that people typically ask to try to either
understand the situation or to understand their partner or where their partner
is coming from in a better way.
The first thing that people tend to do is they rely on research.
So this is when you read articles or you watch videos that tell you,
women tend to do this. Women typically do this.
Here's the most common reasons for divorce,
the seven most common reasons for divorce.
So basically here to try to scour the web for some research or some scientific
research or clinical research in the hopes that this clinical research can give
them some clarity on what their partner is doing and why their partners doing
the things they're doing.
The second thing they do is they try to consult the advice of some
women or even some men and telling them basically, well,
here's the seven things that women want.
Here's the things that women are really looking for in a man.
Here's the things that women find attractive or find that irresistible in a
man, or this is when they rely on very black and white advice. Like, you know,
if your partner wants space from you, give her the no contact,
the no contact works 100% of the time. So this is the very absolute,
it's the very black and white type of advice telling you basically here's
exactly what women want. Here's exactly what you do when this, or this happens.
And the third type of research or the types of questions that they ask is
questions. Like, what does it mean? And what do you do when?
So I get this a lot in my, uh,
Facebook group or in the YouTube channel here where people ask me,
what does it mean when my partner does XYZ?
What does it mean when she says she went to space?
What does it mean when she wants space, but still texts me?
What does it mean XYZ?
So while these three questions can seem pretty good in the surface,
why are these three questions? How can they pose a problem here? Well,
one is that even when someone gives you an advice of, let's say,
here's the seven things that women want.
Let's say you discover here that women want a man who is assertive.
Women want a man who knows what they stand for.
And you have to understand that these are still vague terms. As for example,
what does it actually mean to be assertive?
And as we discussed in a previous video,
assertiveness can quickly turn into controlling or dominance or abuse
when taken to the extreme.
What does it mean when someone says you got to play on the no contact rule?
Is it no contact whatsoever,
but no contact having zero contact whatsoever can quickly make you seem
aloof. Like you don't care and I can actually backfire on you.
So these videos are trying to give you this vague terms to tell you what to do
and how to proceed going forward.
But these vague terms can lead to a lot of false understanding,
especially when we are interpreting these vague terms,
using our confirmation bias of preconceived notions about what things are.
The second reason.
This questions can be quite toxic is that this is really what we call the trap
of deductive reasoning. That while research works great.
When we're talking about sample size,
when we're talking about the general population research starts to break down
when you apply it to one single sample. In this case,
when you try to use research to understand your partner on a deeper level,
for example, when you read some research on,
here are the 10 things that women really want, well,
these are the 10 things that women really want,
but not necessarily your partner. You can ask questions. Like,
what does it mean when my partner says she wants space? Well,
there can be a general sense of the tendencies of why women say they want space,
but it may not be the reason your partner is wanting space.
So we have to be very careful about taking research that tries to explain the
tendency of a population and apply it to one single instance,
which can often break down and which can often give us,
lead us to the wrong direction in terms of what to do,
how to diagnose something.
And so on the third reason why this kinds of questions can break down is that
there can be multiple interpretations or multiple reasons why someone does
something or why someone wants something.
So a quick example of this is donation, a simple donation. So someone can,
for example,
donate a million bucks to charity because he comes to the intention of wanting
to give, you know, purely good intentions,
or it can donate money from the intention of wanting to get something back.
It's the same action,
but the same action is resulted in from two different motivations.
So your partner can be saying, for example, I want some space. I want this,
I want that.
But it starts to get dangerous when we try to generalize or try to hypothesize
why your partner wants space, for example,
from research or from external accounts, that is really not your partner,
because your partner can be wanting space from for multiple reasons,
multiple motivations. And depending on what those motivations are,
that will determine how you diagnose it and how and what you do going forward as
well.
So the previous three types of questions are the questions that you typically
ask in order for you to gain clarity around the difficult situation you're in.
You start to think that you know what to do and what to say,
what to do going forward,
but you find yourself currently instantly just missing the Mark and your
partner's responses as to whatever you're doing or you're saying is going to be
very confusing to you.
And it's going to result in a lot of confusion and a lot of frustration on your
part going forward. And not only that,
your partner will feel quite misunderstood or not listened to throughout this
whole journey.
And it's going to create some confusion and some frustration on her part as
well. And this creates a cycle where as you get frustrated, as you get confused,
you start to do more toxic things that leaves your partner.
Even more confused as your partner gets even more confused.
She's going to back down even more, which leaves you even more confused,
and it's just a vicious cycle going forward.
So if these three types of questions are really not the types of questions that
we want to ask,
then what are the types of questions that we actually want to ask?
What are the right questions that are good questions that leads us to actually
more clarity and more understanding and so on. Well, to begin this,
to understand how we need to understand the difference between a process and a
product. So when we talk about the product here,
these are really talking about the answers itself. So when we ask questions,
like, what do women want? What does my partner want?
What does it mean when my partner decides X, Y, Z,
those questions are designed to get to the product, the answers itself,
the what of the answer, but the what,
or the answers itself are actually not what we want.
What we want are the processes.
And these are the steps that you need to take the methodology that you need to
take to actually get to the answers yourself.
And when your questions are focused on the product level here on giving you the
answers itself, giving you the what,
then that will often lead to generalizations that are often false to the
causation or the correlation problem that we talked about earlier,
where that will give you all the wrong diagnosis and all their own treatments
to, into what you can say or what you can do to remedy your situation right now.
But when you start to take a step back and actually learn how to ask questions
on that process level,
to understand the methodology of how you can find the right answers yourself,
then you can graduate from asking, for example,
what do women want and graduate into?
Let me learn the methodology to understand what my partner,
this one person actually wants,
which is more useful in the context of whether you're in the room,
the early stages of the relationship you're in a long-term relationship,
or you're in a marriage.
You're trying to reconcile a new marriage wherever you are in.
It's always better when you have to process to understand that one particular
person.
So when we talk about the context of a long-term relationship or a marriage,
what does this process actually look like?
So let me give you some examples here.
So if you've been watching a lot of my videos,
and if you've joined my masterclass,
you will know some of these processes that I teach. For example,
in our master class, we talk about the relationship mountain,
and these are the five pillars of the pillars that you have to climb.
Step-by-step if you're trying to rebuild your marriage from the ground up,
and if you look at the five pillars here,
these five pillars can be used to identify the root core issues that you're
really facing in your relationship right now. So for example,
if you look at this five pillars right here,
you can really start at the top and ask yourself,
are you having some intimacy issues? If the answer is, yes,
you can go further down to say, okay, are you having intimacy issues?
Because there's a lack of goal alignment. Yes. Well,
you can go down even further and you can say,
do you have a lack of goal alignment? Because you lack the mutual admiration.
And do you lack the mutual admiration because you lack the psychological and
emotional safety. And so this five pillars is a process.
It's a methodology that you can use to find the root answer yourself.
So rather than asking someone what is wrong with my relationship,
learn the five pillars and diagnose that yourself,
learn the methodology to find the answers yourself.
And in one of my previous videos,
we talk about resistance or stonewalling or gaslighting,
and what you can do to respond when your partner is stonewalling,
you are shutting down on you, for example,
and we talked about this principle of the four roots of resistance,
which is whenever people shut down,
it's usually not because they're narcissistic or you're trying to be abusive,
but simply because of four reasons. So one is the lack of safety.
So this is the lack of safety in that they don't trust that if they really talk
about their emotions will be received in a good way by you.
It could also be the lack of trust in that they don't trust that if even if they
express their true emotions that is going to be listened to,
or they don't trust is going to be leading them to any good positions or good
place in the relationship. It could be, for example,
the lack of ability in a sense that the problem,
what they're feeling may be so complex,
that they don't even know where to begin or the lack of space where they just
want you to leave them alone.
This forwards of resistance is a process by which you can identify the roots of
why your partner is resisting your stonewalling. You, so instead of asking,
for example, why is my partner resisting? And just assigning it to some,
all my partners, a narcissist here,
you have the methodology and the process to really understand why is my partner
resisting and answer that question yourself. And two videos ago,
we talked about the process in which you can resolve your conflicts.
And we talked about the hypothesis and Ty thesis framework,
where this framework is the process by which you can find your win-wins and the
process by which you can resolve conflicts rather than having a counselor or
someone telling you, here's what you need to do to resolve the conflicts.
Here's a process that you can go through and a methodology that you can rely on
to solve your own problems, to find the win-wins yourself. Now,
if you want to dive deeper into any one of these processes that I talk about,
the links to the respective videos will be down below this video in the
description box below this video.
But this is why if you look at a lot of my videos,
rarely do I make videos like here's what women want.
Here's the signs of a narcissist.
Here's the signs your marriage are breaking down,
or here's the definitive thing that you can do to save your marriage. Just the,
what of what you can do to save your marriage.
Because all those questions where I simply give you the answers right away is
actually not going to do you any good,
because most often they're not going to be applying to your situation very well.
But what I do is I try to give you the processes in which you can find your own
answers, the methodology in which you can find your own truth,
that allows you to diagnose the problems in your relationship and allows you to,
once you diagnose it,
understand the treatment for yourself or your particular scenario,
which is going to be very useful.
And if you really want to break this down even further,
this is really the difference between you asking for a fish or you asking to be
taught, how to fish,
when your questions are focusing on what and getting the answers itself.
Then basically you're asking someone to give you fishes,
but giving you a fish can only feed you for a day.
But if you start to change the nature of your questions to understanding the,
how, or the methodology or the processes define your own answers,
then that is when you're basically asking someone to teach you how to fish.
And once you learn how to fish, you are set for life.
So if you want to understand, and a deeper level of what these processes are,
what these processes are for you to be able to better diagnose the problems in
your relationship,
and what allows you to understand what kinds of treatments do you need,
and next steps do you need to do to salvage your relationship?
I want you to join me in my free masterclass on the five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground up and in this masterclass,
I will show you the exact process that all my students have used to reconcile in
their relationship.
And all our students have really taken their time to master all their processes
that allows them to lead conversations in a way that lets you understand the
root core of any issues. And once you have the proper diagnosis,
you can have the proper treatments and the proper treatments will come much more
naturally. And at the end of this masterclass,
you also have the opportunity to apply for our relationships revival program,
where we have 60 plus hours of content,
where I will hold your hand step by step through understanding all the different
process that you really need to master in order to start reconciling in your
relationship.
So if you want to join this masterclass or if you want to join the relationship
revival program that I want you to click the link above my head are also done in
the comments below in the description box below this video.
And if you want a free guide that can help you understand the process of how to
lead conversations from start to finish.
Then I also want you to download the guide I have for you above my head or also
down in the comments below or in the description box below this video as well.
And if you want to join a community where you can ask these process related
questions on understanding the methodology and the how of how you go about
diagnosing the problems in your relationship and understanding the remedies you
need to take,
then you can also join my free Facebook group down in the comments below
and description box below this video as well. In the meantime,
do leave a comment below with your questions or your comments about this video.
I would love to hear your thoughts from you.
And if you found this video helpful, if you found it eyeopening,
then click the like button and subscribe to this channel for more content like
this one. In the meantime,
I leave you with just two videos on more knowledge and more skills and more
mindsets to allow you to design a thriving relationship for yourself.
In the meantime, I will see you in the next video.