- I remember leaping up and then got down,
and punched you and then I said,
"This is going to happen every time I see you."
(electronic hip hop music)
Welcome to This is Not Happening presents Fistacuffs.
If you've never been to the show before,
it's just a bunch of comics telling fun stories
about real shit that happens.
Mr. Steve Rannazzisi, everybody, let him hear it!
(audience applauding)
- Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
So, my fight story happened to two of my very good friends
at the time, Ari Shaffir and Bobby Lee.
So, considering Ari's here, why don't we bring
Ari up on stage so that Ari can sort of help us along
as one of the parties.
(audience applauding)
We're gonna get a mic over here.
So, let me just paint a little picture for you.
I don't know if any of you have been to the Comedy Store,
but it's a dank little, you gotta walk up these dark steps,
you don't really know what you're going into.
- Stink.
- Yeah, really.
So I'm in this booth, selling the tickets,
and Ari's the first comedian on that night,
so he was on stage, and the second comedian
is now on stage.
And what were, you were venting to me about what?
- Probably about my breakup.
- Yes, your breakup.
You were very upset about your breakup.
- I was very upset, I had broken up
with Natasha Leggero, and I was very upset about it.
- You were really, really upset about it.
- I wasn't done playing with my toy.
And when baby doesn't get his bottle, baby gets angry.
- And does the baby then deflect anger toward other people?
- Well it's not baby's fault!
(audience laughing)
It's never baby's fault.
- Okay, so I'm listening to Ari now vent
to me about his breakup and why he thinks
the breakup is happening, and his main reason
is he's deflecting all his anger onto Bobby Lee.
- Bobby Lee.
- So who shows up at the cover booth, but Bobby Lee.
So why don't we bring Bobby up on stage.
(audience applauding)
- Bobby Lee! - Bobby Lee!
Got it right there.
(audience applauding)
- Can I just say something?
I'm small, I'm small.
- Yes.
- I'm little, I have no muscles on my body.
- But fat hides muscle.
- Excuse me?
- Fat hides muscle.
- That's true, that's true, that's true.
- You could have muscles underneath the fat.
- [Ari] That's like the thing.
- So I show up to the Comedy Store,
I have to check in with Steve.
Now can I ask you a question?
- Sure you can ask me anything you want.
- Who got you the fucking job there?
(audience laughing)
- Bobby got me the job at the Comedy Store.
- Exactly, and later that information is gonna be clear
because he betrays me.
- I don't betray you.
- You fucking betray me.
Anyway, I got him a job there.
Who helped you out in the beginning?
- Who got me a commercial agent?
The only thing that got me buy in the business
for over seven years?
- Yes.
- Bobby Lee did.
- Bobby Lee did. - Thank you so much.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you so much guys.
So basically, I'm a dream-weaver.
- You're a dream-weaver, yeah, a dream-weaver, Bobby.
- Thank you.
- [Steve] A dream-weaver.
- So I check in at the Comedy Store.
- That's what you're supposed to do.
- So I'm talking to Ari through the window
and Bobby comes up and stands right next to Ari
and goes, "Can I talk to you?"
- No, no, no, no, no.
First of all, you have to understand,
that while I was being broken up with,
Bobby knew the dude that was trying
to move in on my territory, and he fucking showed him
love letters constantly that they were going
back and forth, he would show em to me
all the time at work,
so I was mad at you - This was the bone
- for not helping. - of contention at the time.
- Okay shut the fuck up for a second, okay?
(audience laughing)
He came to the Comedy Store, right?
To see me perform.
Then he went upstairs to the Belly Room, okay.
Natasha was performing.
- I like how you turn--
- Shut the fuck up, alright!
And he goes, "Wow, she's hot."
And I go, "Whatever, she's dating my friend Ari."
I went down to do my set, and he had asked her out.
This is two, three weeks before he beats the shit out of me.
So this is what happens.
I check in with you.
- [Ari] Maybe, maybe, maybe.
- Then I see Ari in back of me right,
and I go, "Hey dude what's going on?"
Because I'm a nice guy.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, yeah.
- Had I not already told you
that I never want to talk to you again?
- Yes, that was the thing.
- [Ari] And please stay away from me forever?
- Okay but we're friends still, right?
He never said, "We're not friends?"
(audience laughing)
- Wait!
- "I don't ever want to talk to you again!"
But we're still buddies?
- No he was saying he didn't want to talk to you anymore
and you kept trying to defend yourself.
- I go, "Hey, let's talk."
And you were like, "I don't ever want to talk to you again."
- No, no, no, no, no.
You said this in that fucking Bobby Lee way, you go.
"Can I just tell you one thing?
(audience laughing)
"Can I just tell you one thing?"
- "Can I just tell you one thing?"
- [Steve] "Can I just tell you one thing?"
- [Ari] And I fucking hated you.
(audience laughing)
- Alright.
- So Ari, I saw his eyes roll in the back of his head
and he could not tell him one more thing.
Cause Ari turned around with a closed fist
and hit Bobby so hard in the head
that I just watched him go out of my frame,
down to the ground.
- Yes, now.
Now, I'm kinda blacked out.
You know how you get hit, and you see this, zzzzzz?
That's what happens.
Zzzzzz, right?
And every time I'd open my eyes,
I'd see a foot coming to my face.
- I kicked, I kicked him a lot,
I kicked him a lot. - Zzzz, foot!
Zzzz, foot.
Now this fucker.
- No, no, no, let me.
So I stick my head out of the booth to see
what's happening down here?
- And what did you see?
Bobby, like a potato bug, curled up.
- Bam!
Bam!
And Ari just laying haymakers down.
And now I have a decision to make.
These are my two friends fighting.
I could break this up and go through this tiny little window
and break this up or I could take the long way around.
All the way around outside and see what I see
when I get out there.
So I take the long way-- - If you speed walk,
if you speed walk around that corner,
it takes 10 seconds.
- Tops.
It took five fucking minutes.
(audience laughing)
- He watched for awhile, he did watch for awhile.
I remember turning back, thinking like,
"Is Steve gonna break this up?
(audience laughing)
"I guess not, I guess it's my time."
- No because when I came out,
Ari was just like DeNiro windmill kicking.
(laughing)
Bam!
And, at this point--
- He didn't fight back, it was so unrewarding.
He didn't fight back!
- We are still running a professional comedy show.
There's a man performing comedy inside for 11 people,
and that man has no idea what's happening outside.
So, at that point, he goes,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the next comedian, Mr. Bobby Lee."
- And what do I do, what do I do?
- Pops up, runs into the room,
on stage like nothing has happened.
(audience laughing)
- Do you know why?
I'm a fucking professional.
(audience applauding)
I'm a fucking professional.
- You gotta do your spot.
(audience laughing)
You gotta do your spot.
- You gotta do your spot, man.
- You had a mouse under your eye,
he was bleeding on stage.
People were staring.
And at one point--
- It was getting worse, you say it was getting worse
as he was up there.
- His eye started swelling up.
(audience laughing)
Alright, so may I say something now?
- Sure, sure.
- May I say something?
- Bobby Lee, yes.
- So you know when you go through an experience like that,
you think it's over right?
No. - Was it over?
- Oh, no.
Cause a week later, he tried to choke me to death.
(audience laughing)
- [Ari] No, no.
- Shut the fuck up for, okay go ahead.
- I had my hand on your throat,
and then you moved forward.
Just for control, I like, Darth Vader,
but I actually had to touch you, I was just like, "No."
- And then a week later what happened?
After that.
So he attacked me twice, third week,
now tell me what happened?
- I had gotten a job on the show Mind of Mencia,
and I got a part, and then--
- Uck.
- Yeah, right I did that before.
And then like a few days later I didn't have the part
anymore and I heard from around the Comedy Store,
Dave Mishevitz and all these people said,
"I heard Bobby called his friend Mencia and got you
"taken off the job." - Bam!
- Can I tell you the story?
- Yes.
- Don't ever point your finger at me like that again.
(audience laughing)
Carlos calls me and goes, "Hey, bro, I was on the road,
"Ari auditioned for my show,
"I didn't know the producers gave him a job,
"and then when I came back into town,
"I realized he was doing it, and I called him personally
"and said, 'You can't do the job.'"
- Called me personally?
- Did he do that?
- No, of course not.
- Well that's what he said, I never called him.
Why would I know that you were booked on the show?
- Well maybe he said, "Ari's booked."
- He never did that, right?
So anyway.
- But you were bragging about that you did.
- To who?
- To everyone.
- [Steve] All the people.
- You love saying, "I got Ari fired.
"Guess what, I won one.
"One for the Korean."
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I did that, I did that.
I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up.
(audience laughing)
- That is true.
- I want one, too, thank you so much.
(audience laughing)
My bad, my bad.
So anyway, I'm in the parking lot, right.
And I'm just walking, and all of a sudden,
I'm on the ground again.
Cause this is what you did.
You went from behind me, and just walked up,
and went, bam! - Bam!
- Yeah you did.
- You ran away, I chased after you.
I was talking to Dave Mishevitz,
and I saw you and I was like, "Pardon me for one moment."
(audience laughing)
- Oh that's right, that's right.
- "I have to take care of something."
I had decided, "Next time I see him I'm gonna beat
"the fuck out of him."
- So then this--
- Then I ran, you saw, turn, and you're like, "Uh oh."
- Uh oh.
- You've seen that look before.
And then I remember, I couldn't reach you
so I Superman punched.
I remember leaping up and then got down.
- Yes.
- And punched you.
- In the face.
- You did the potato bug again.
- Yes.
- And then I said,
"This is going to happen every time I see you."
- That's right.
(audience laughing)
He did say that, he did say that, he did say that.
And I remember this, I go to the office, right,
now I'm gonna call the police.
- Yeah, I got the advance warning.
- Fuck you, Steve, focus.
I'm about to call the police, I'm dialing the number,
you know what you did?
You unplugged the phone.
- Yeah I know. - You know why?
- Why?
- You didn't want him to be in prison for the weekend.
Cause it was on a Friday.
- [Steve] Oh yeah, it was a Friday.
- Fuck you.
- Why?
He shouldn't have gone to jail for that.
- He shoulda gone to jail three, three times in a row
he beat me up.
(audience laughing)
I let two of them go.
Two beatings, I said, "Oh no."
And then third one I had to do something.
I was gonna fucking die.
What are you talking about?
- Steve told me to get out of my apartment.
- When you put it like that, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah that does seem fair.
And then I didn't talk to you for awhile
and every time I saw you--
- Four years.
- Four years, and every time he'd be in a conversation,
I would come up and be like,
"Oh, what's the liar telling you?
"Are you lying to people?
"Like you always do you dumb liar."
- You know what you used to say,
"You're dumb.
"You're the dumbest Asian in the world."
- I know it got to you.
- "How do you survive?"
Remember you saying that?
"How do you survive in the world, you're dumb?"
And I'm talking to a chick trying to get laid.
Right, and I just go,
"I'm dumb, I have to say that or he'll beat me up."
(audience laughing)
Here's how we resolved it,
do you want to hear that, guys?
(audience applauding)
One day I'm just watching TV,
and I get a phone call from Ari.
And you just basically said, "Let's just squash it."
- Yeah.
I saw you in the front of the cover booth one day
and you were talking to a few friends of mine,
people I knew but I didn't have the energy to like,
go and like, embarrass you again.
It takes a lot. (laughing)
You gotta like, "How am I gonna get to him today?"
And I was like, what am I doing?
I'm hurting my own life.
Just for the sake of this fucking feud
that I don't even care about anymore.
- But I didn't do anything.
- I know, I know, I know, I know.
- So I'm just glad that we're, you know.
- Me too.
- I was mad at Natasha for a very long time, Natasha.
- Come here, Natasha.
- Come up here, Natasha.
- Give Natasha a round of applause everybody.
(audience applauding)
- I don't know if we have a fourth mic.
- I felt bad about calling her "she."
- By the way, Ari, I'm sorry.
(laughing)
That was--
- I'll just use what I--
(audience laughing)
- Bobby, first of all,
Bobby did not set me up with that guy.
But, Bobby, all of a sudden,
didn't make eye contact with me for four years.
- Do you know why, Natasha?
- You never said anything.
And I'd see you at the Improv and you'd look down.
(laughing)
And I'd be like, "Hi."
- I'm sorry.
- [Natasha] Did you tell him, did you tell him?
- Natasha, I'm a human being, and I didn't know
how to react, and I'm immature, right.
And I didn't know how to treat you.
Right, because I felt like, I blamed it on you.
This whole thing, and I apologize.
- Can we say what happened to me, though,
at the Comedy Store?
- Oh yeah. - Oh yes!
- I'm sitting at the Comedy Store like, a year later.
With my friend.
She gets up to go, and then all of a sudden,
someone pours a drink on my head.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, I had a glass of ice water.
- And then my friend--
- With the ice still in, I remember, the ice--
- And then my friend comes back--
- He whipped it at her, in her face, remember that?
You whipped.
- And my friend comes back from the bathroom
and she's like,
"Why does your ponytail have no more volume?"
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "Cause Ari just threw a drink on my head."
- I did the same thing, and I was like,
real clear about it. - And said,
"You don't belong here."
- No, that's not all I said. - Oh!
(audience laughing)
I said, "You don't belong here, cunt."
(audience booing)
I remember saying that, and I'm sorry.
- Is this comedy, this feels like some kind of
group therapy session.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, let's wrap this up with a group hug.
(audience applauding)
- [Audience] Aww!
- That was a nice moment.
- Also, Ari, I will say, was very good in bed.
(electronic hip hop music)
- That was really nice of you, you didn't have to do that,
thank you.
Steve Rannazzisi, everybody.
Wasn't that a great story?
And also, of course, Natasha Leggero, Bobby Lee, and myself,
Ari Shaffir, for helping him with the story.
Thanks Bobby Lee for eventually
getting talked into doing it.
That's the story.
Last week I asked you to leave your comments
about places you would live if you had to live
anywhere in the world,
and here is a really cool one for that.
Thank you.
Next week, let's have some fun.
Just leave who you think is who you think is right,
and who you think is wrong, and why,
in the comments section of this video.
Next week we have Jeff Dye telling one of the greatest
stories you'll ever hear.
Til then, don't forget to click on the Reddit link
to join in the conversation.
Use the hashtag #ThisIsNotHappening on Twitter,
follow me on Twitter, follow @SteveRannazzisi,
and @BobbyLeeLive and @NatashaLeggero.
See you next Tuesday everybody, with Jeff Dye.
(electronic sounds)