-I was TikTok'ing on TikTok this morning
when I came across this fascinating TikTok
about migrating tree frogs.
And -- [ Sniffing ]
Wait. I am so sorry.
I could be wrong here, but I think I smell some smoke,
and that can only mean one thing.
It's time for "Ya Burnt"!
♪♪
Welcome to The Burn Zone.
We got a lot of topics to sizzle through and not a lot of time.
Over here is The Burner.
Let's turn on the gas and load her up.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Great ghosts of the Ganges!
[ Laughter ] First up, hiking.
Love walking but hate the part
where you actually get somewhere?
Try hiking. Believe me,
if wherever we're going was any good,
they would have built a road to it.
And then, when I finally get there,
you want me to turn around and repeat the same slog in reverse?
Why? So we can all look at the other side of the same tree?
I know it's about the journey, not the destination,
but if the journey involves a probable case of Lyme disease,
and the destination is a hospital,
maybe we should just bail.
And, dudes, enough with the really big walking sticks.
You're not leading a band of renegades into the Badlands.
Somebody's grandma just passed you.
Also, don't say you brought snacks
when you brought trail mix. That's not a snack.
You just dump some bird feed and five M&M's into a Ziploc.
Side burn -- trail mix.
-Side burn.
-Hey, hiking, get lost. Ya burnt.
New COVID variants, if I wanted to look
sickly, pale, and depressed, I'd be a British soccer fan.
Also, it's bad enough that you're deadly,
but now you're making me learn the Greek alphabet, too?
The delta variant sounds like a jazz trio that performs
exclusively at corporate mixers.
And trust me, you don't want to catch them, either.
Also, why do virus mutations always have to be so negative?
Like "more contagious" and "turns your lungs inside out"?
Where's the variant that makes my doink longer?
-Get to work, Pfizer!
-New COVID variants, better check that thermometer
'cause ya burnt.
Subway! Recently Subway sandwiches
announced it's making the biggest change in its history --
Well, the second biggest -- [ Laughter ]
and debuting an all-new menu.
Listen, Subway, we didn't need a whole menu reset.
Frankly, I'd be happy if the only change
was the sandwiches weren't soaking wet anymore.
Or at least address the idea of your tuna not being,
you know, tuna.
Tuna is one of the cheapest things on the planet.
What you are putting in there that's cheaper?
Paper-towel chunks?
Your tuna's not tuna. Your bread's not bread.
Your footlongs are only 11 inches.
You claim to be a subway, but you're aboveground.
Also, why do you call your employees sandwich artists?
Is it because you want them to have
artistic license as an excuse?
"Is this tuna?"
"This is my interpretation of tuna."
Subway, time to turn off that oven, because ya burnt.
The lab leak theory -- the theory that COVID-19
escaped from a lab has been gaining more steam lately.
I hope the bats and pangolins are gonna get an apology.
I mean, bats might survive, but this is literally
the only thing I know about pangolins.
If I were them, I'd sue for defamation.
Seriously, there's only one scenario where it would be
acceptable to secretly develop a deadly bioweapon
and accidentally let it escape, and that's if it stars
Nicolas Cage and it goes straight to video.
"Don't eat that pangolin!" [ Laughter ]
In the meantime, the only lab leak I want to see
is my brother's dog Brewster
finally peeing outside the house for once.
Lab leaks, I hope you got a safety shower in there,
because ya burnt.
Seasonal fruit. Why you are still a thing?
Don't we grow stuff with science now?
If my cousin in Boston can have a thriving weed-grow operation
in his closet in January, surely we can figure out
how to give me a fresh strawberry.
There's only one thing delicious enough to justify
only being around once a year,
and that's the sexy, mysterious McRib.
Nobody knows how that was created.
-Here's my theory -- 50% lab leak, 50% wet market.
-Just need to pick that up a little bit,
since there's no audience here. [ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Seasonal fruits, you're the pits, and ya burnt!
That New York summer urine smell.
It's July, which according to my nose
means it's urine month in New York City.
The whole city of Manhattan smells like the inside
of a porta potty at a music festival.
And I got to say, kind of into it.
Seriously, after a full year of staying indoors,
only occasionally venturing out to enjoy the city
through a layer of mask breath,
I'm starting to appreciate what I missed.
So bring on the scent of urine, I say.
Let me dine in the bus lane
as all the odors of the land wat-- waft around me!
New York City urine smell, you're number one in my book,
and that's why you're this week's unburnable.
Ascend to safety, my friend,
and say hello to your friend, hot garbage.
Sand!
Hey, sand, why you coming at -- why you coming home with me?
Stay at the beach. When I visit the forest,
I'm not digging leaves out of my crack for a week afterwards.
What's this? Oh, right.
I went to the woods.
And how come you get so hot?
Dirt would never!
Nothing says summer like killer waves, shining sun,
and third-degree burns on the soles of both my feet.
And don't think I'm impressed
when you're in an hourglass, either.
That's the absolute worst way to tell time,
and everyone in this room knows it except for Buck.
That's weird, Buck. [ Laughter ]
That's the only weird thing about you.
[ Laughter ]
Sand, even though you're stuck to my sunscreen, ya burnt.
Hot-dog-eating contests!
I'm guessing they didn't ban weed from this sport.
This year, competitive eater Joey Chestnut set
a new world record by downing 76 hot dogs,
which is roughly 22,000 calories.
Frankly, I'm surprised Joey Chestnut
can see his chest or his nuts.
Can't believe I'm the first person smart enough
to make that joke.
-It's not something to be proud of.
-Also, how come nobody's using condiments?
For one hot dog, you use ketchup and mustard,
but for 76, it's a bucket of room-temperature water.
Hey, if I wanted wet buns, I'd sit down on the F train
or on a Subway sandwich. Callback.
Anyway, kudos on finding a way to make
ground-up pig parts even more repulsive.
Back in my day, we wouldn't feed that crap to a dog.
Isn't that right, Rusty? [ Rusty barks ]
What's that, Rusty? Wrong bit?
Well, grease my gullet. [ Laughter ]
I reckon you're right.
Hot-dog-eating contest, back in my day, ya burnt.
Next up, first-time Olympic athletes.
Listen up, you tryhard pieces of --
[ Buzzer ] Oh, no!
[ Laughter ]
That buzzer means we're out of time.
I guess I'll have to burn you incredibly dedicated
perfect human specimens some other time.
This has been "Ya Burnt."