>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING TONIGHT?
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
BECAUSE I AM ALONE.
SO ALONE.
I'M ALONE, RIGHT, PETE?
>> OH, YOU ARE SO ALONE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
NOW AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY BLUE BLAZER I'M ALL CRESSED UP FOR A
COCKTAIL PARTY, BUT EVIDENTLY, THE NETWORK THINKS WE SHOULD DO
A SHOW.
WHAT'S UP?
OKAY, HERE'S BIG NEWS.
IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY THERE'S BIG NEWS, BECAUSE THERE
IS NO DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY BECAUSE TODAY, SENATOR BERNIE
SANDERS ANNOUNCED HE WAS DROPPING OUT OF THE 2020
DEMOCRATIC RACE.
I GUESS DURING A PANDEMIC, CRAZY IDEAS LIKE MEDICARE FOR ALL JUST
DON'T RESONATE.
BERNIE ADDRESSED HIS SUPPORTERS THIS AFTERNOON IN A LIVE STREAM.
>> I WANT TO THANK THE MANY HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF
AMERICANS WHO ATTENDED OUR RALLIES, TOWN MEETINGS, AND
HOUSE PARTIES FROM NEW YORK TO CALIFORNIA.
SOME OF THESE EVENTS HAD OVER 25,000 PEOPLE.
SOME HAD A FEW HUNDRED.
SOME HAD A DOZEN.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, LISTENING TO BERNIE MAKES ME NOSTALGIC FOR
A TIME IN AMERICA WHEN ANYTHING SEEMED POSSIBLE, LIKE HAVING A
DOZEN PEOPLE IN A ROOM.
BERNIE WAS GRATEFUL FOR EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTED TO HIS
GRASSROOTS MOVEMENT.
>> I WANT TO THANK THE TWO MILLION AMERICANS WHO HAVE
CONTRIBUTED FINANCIALLY TO OUR CAMPAIGN.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TEN MILLION CONTRIBUTIONS AVERAGING $18.50.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) $18.50, WHICH I AM TOLD THESE
DAYS IS ENOUGH TO GET YOU HALF A CLOROX WIPE."
I'M GOING TO MISS THAT.
SANDERS MADE SURE HIS SUPPORTERS KNEW THAT THE FIGHT FOR ECONOMIC
JUSTICE IS NOT OVER.
>> NELSON MANDELA, ONE OF THE GREAT FREEDOM FIGHTERS IN MODERN
WORLD HISTORY, FAMOUSLY SAID-- AND I QUOTE-- "IT ALWAYS SEEMS
IMPOSSIBLE UNTIL IT'S DONE."
>> Stephen: TO WHICH JOE BIDEN REPLIED:
( AS BIDEN )
YOU KNOW I GOT ARRESTED WITH HIM IN WAKANDA!"
THEN BERNIE BROKE THE HARD NEWS AS GENTLY AS HE COULD.
>> I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU BETTER NEWS, BUT I THINK YOU
KNOW THE TRUTH, AND THAT IS THAT WE ARE NOW SOME 300 DELEGATES
BEHIND VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, AND THE PATH TOWARD VICTORY IS
VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
>> Stephen: BERNIE SANDERS IS SAYING BERNIE SANDERS CAN'T
WIN?
MAN, HE IS GOING TO CATCH HELL FROM BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTERS.
NOW, I'LL BE SPEAKING WITH SENATOR SANDERS LATER TONIGHT,
HIS FIRST INTERVIEW FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMET.
THIS WILL BE THE FANth TIME I INTERVIEWED HIM.
I WILL THANK HIM FOR HIS CAMPAIGN, AND PRESENT HIM WITH
HIS COLBERT LOYALTY CARD, DIAMOND CLASS MEMBERSHIP.
BAD NEWS, BERNIE, ONLY 1% OF MY GUESTS GET THAT!
TURNS OUT, BERNIE'S LAST PRIMARY WAS YESTERDAY IN WISCONSIN.
AND IT WAS ODD.
I WOULD CALL SO FAR AS TO CALL IT A CLUSTER-ODD.
SEE, THERE'S THIS PANDEMIC-- MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT.
BUT DESPITE THAT, THE WISCONSIN G.O.P. FORCED THE STATE TO HOLD
THE ELECTION YESTERDAY.
MAKING PEOPLE STAND IN LINE FOR HOURS ON END IN THE MIDDLE OF A
PANDEMIC IS CLEARLY VOTER ENDANGERMENT.
REMEMBER LINCOLN'S IMMORTAL WORDS:
"GOVERNMENT OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE,
SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THE EARTH.
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T VOTE IN A PANDEMIC.
STAY SOMEPLACE SAFE, LIKE A THEATER."
TOO SOON?
NOW, ALMOST ALL OF THE POLLING STATIONS WERE CLOSED BECAUSE
POLL WORKERS DIDN'T FEEL SAFE.
BUT REPUBLICAN ASSEMBLY SPEAKER ROBIN VOS CALMED FEARS BY
TELLING VOTERS, "YOU ARE INCREDIBLY SAFE TO GO OUT."
WOW, THAT IS REASSURING.
OH, I'M BEING TOLD WE ACTUALLY HAVE THAT STATEMENT ON VIDEO.
JIM, LET'S WATCH HIM MAKING THAT REASSURING STATEMENT.
>> YOU ARE INCREDIBLY SAFE TO GO OUT.
>> Stephen: YES, PAY NO ATTENTION TO HIS FACE MASK,
GLOVES, AND FULL SURGICAL OUTFIT.
YOU ARE INCREDIBLY SAFE.
AND THE WISCONSIN FIRE MARSHALL ISSUED THIS FOLLOW-UP
ANNOUNCEMENT: >> THE FIRE IS UNDER CONTROL!
EVERYBODY BACK IN THE BARN!
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF FLAMING IDIOTS, DONALD TRUMP.
THE PRESIDENT HAS CAUGHT A LOT OF BLAME FOR HIS LATE RESPONSE
TO THE CORONAVIRUS, BUT AT YESTERDAY'S DAILY SHOUT-FEST, HE
ADDRESSED THAT CRITICISM HEAD ON BY SAYING, "LOOK OVER THERE."
>> THE W.H.O.-- THAT'S THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION-- THEY HAVE
BEEN WRONG ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS.
AND THEY HAD A LOT OF INFORMATION EARLY.
THEY CALLED IT WRONG.
THEY REALLY-- THEY MISSED THE CALL.
THEY COULD HAVE CALLED IT MONTHS EARLIER.
THEY WOULD HAVE KNOWN, AND THEY SHOULD'VE KNOWN.
AND THEY PROBABLY DID KNOW.
>> Stephen: I THINK HE'S PROJECTING.
( AS TRUMP )
ON CORONAVIRUS.
AND THE WAY THEY TREATED THEIR FIRST WIFE TOTAL DISGRACE.
BY THE WAY, THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE 239 POUNDS, W.H.O.
NOT FOOLING ANYBODY.
IT'S SAD.
IT'S-- IT'S SAD."
TRUMP PROMISED HE WOULD MAKE THE W.H.O. PAY FOR THE THINGS THAT
HE CLAIMS THEY DID OR DID NOT DO.
>> WE'RE GOING TO PUT A HOLD ON MONEY SENT TO THE W.H.O.-- WE'RE
GOING TO PUT A VERY POWERFUL HOLD ON IT.
>> Stephen: YES, HE IS GOING TO CUT OFF AMERICA'S CONTRIBUTION
TO THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION DURING A PANDEMIC.
"HELP I'M BEING ROBBED.
QUICK, FIRE THE POLICE!" IT'S A CONTROVERSIAL MOVE, BUT
THE PRESIDENT STUCK TO HIS GUNS, FOR 16 MINUTES, AND THEN
HE SAID THIS.
>> IS THE TIME TO FREEZE FUNDING TO THE W.H.O. DURING A
PANDEMIC?
>> NO, MAYBE NOT.
I'M NOT SAYING I'M GOING TO DO IT, BUT I'M GOING TO LOOK
AT IT.
I SAID WE WILL LOOK AT IT.
>> YOU DID SAY-- >> NO, I DIDN'T.
>> Stephen: YES, YOU DID!
HE'S REWRITING HISTORY IN THE SAME PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE
MADE IT.
THIS IS LIKE J.F.K. SAYING THIS: >> WE CHOOSE TO GO TO THE MOON
IN THIS DECADE AND DO THE OTHER THINGS, NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE
EASY, BUT BECAUSE-- WAIT, WHO SAID WE'RE GOING TO THE MOON?
NO WE'RE NOT.
STANLEY KUBRICK'S GOING TO FAKE IT.
>> Stephen: NOW, THE W.H.O.
DID NOT IGNORE EARLY WARNINGS ABOUT COVID-19.
DONALD TRUMP DID.
YESTERDAY, TRUMP EXPLAINED WHY HE DIDN'T ACT ON THE WARNINGS.
>> YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, I AM A CHEERLEADER FOR THIS
COUNTRY.
I DON'T WANT TO CREATE HAVOC AND SHOCK AND EVERYTHING ELSE.
I THINK A PRESIDENT HAS TO BE A CHEERLEADER FOR THEIR COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, SIR, PLEASE DON'T FORCE MY GRAPHICS
DEPARTMENT TO PHOTOSHOP DONALD TRUMP WEARING A CHEERLEADING--
OKAY, OH, MY GOD!
JIMMY, PLEASE, TAKE IT DOWN!
THANK YOU.
SECOND, THE PRESIDENT IS NOT A CHEERLEADER.
THE PRESIDENT IS A QUARTERBACK.
TOM BRADY DOESN'T PULL EVERYBODY INTO THE HUDDLE AND SAY, "OKAY,
BRING IT IN, GUYS.
I'VE GOT A THEORY IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS WHEN IT GETS WARMER, THE
OTHER TEAMS ARE GOING TO GO AWAY LIKE A MIRACLE.
OKAY, READY?
DO NOTHING.
WAS THAT LOUD?
WAS THAT LOUD.
HEY, THERE WAS A MAJOR WHITE HOUSE STAFF DEPARTURE YESTERDAY.
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY STEPHANIE GRISHAM-- NOT SEEN
HERE, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT HER.
THIS IS STEPHANIE GRISHAM.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, BECAUSE IN HER NINE MONTHS ON THE JOB,
GRISHAM NEVER HELD A DAILY PRESS BRIEFING.
IN NINE MONTHS, SHE COULD HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT AND HAD THE
BABY-- AND MAYBE SHE DID, BECAUSE SHE NEVER HAD A PRESS
BRIEFING.
HOW WOULD WE KNOW.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: "CHOOSE A JOB YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DO, AND YOU'LL NEVER WORK A DAY IN YOUR LIFE."
SO WHO'S TAKING GRISHAM'S PLACE?
WELL, TRUMP'S FOURTH PRESS SECRETARY WILL BE TRUMP CAMPAIGN
SPOKESPERSON AND DISCOUNT IVANKA HALLOWEEN COSTUME,
KAYLEIGH McENANY.
McENANY HAS JUST STARTED THE JOB, BUT SHE PROVED SIX WEEKS
AGO THAT SHE'S READY TO MISINFORM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ON
DAY ONE.
>> THIS PRESIDENT WILL ALWAYS PUT AMERICA FIRST.
HE WILL ALWAYS PROTECT AMERICAN CITIZENS.
WE WILL NOT SEE DISEASES LIKE THE CORONAVIRUS COME HERE.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT DID NOT AGE WELL.
BUT SHE WAS HALF RIGHT.
WHEN IT COMES TO THE PANDEMIC, TRUMP HAS DEFINITELY PUT AMERICA
FIRST.
BUT THERE IS SOME PROMISING NEWS WHEN IT COMES TO TREATING
COVID-19, BECAUSE A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT CORONAVIRUS PATIENTS
CAN BENEFIT FROM A BLOOD TRANSFUSION FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS
RECOVERED FROM THE DISEASE.
AMAZING.
PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT, TOM HANKS, WE ARE
COMING FOR YOUR BLOOD.
THE NEW TREATMENT INVOLVES HARVESTING DISEASE-RESISTANT
ANTIBODIES AND INJECTING THEM IN SOMEONE WHO'S CURRENTLY FIGHTING
COVID-19.
AND IN THE CASE OF ONE TEST SUBJECT, "11 DAYS AFTER HIS
FIRST SYMPTOMS HAD APPEARED, HE RECEIVED AN INFUSION OF
SO-CALLED CONVALESCENT PLASMA, AND THE FOLLOWING DAY, HIS BLOOD
TESTED NEGATIVE FOR INFECTION."
OKAY, BLOOD IS THE CURE.
SO IT'S TIME TO ISSUE A LONG-OVERDUE FORMAL APOLOGY TO
VAMPIRES.
VAMPIRES, I'M SORRY.
PLEASE FORGIVE US, YOU INSATIABLE PRINCES OF DARKNESS.
ALL THIS TIME, WE CALLED YOU MONSTERS FOR ABDUCTING YOUNG
PEOPLE AND SUCKING THEM DRY LIKE CAPRI SUNS.
WHEN ALL THIS TIME, YOU WERE JUST PRACTICING SELF-CARE.
SORRY ABOUT THE STAKES THROUGH THE HEART.
MY BOOD.
NOW, LAST WEEK, TO STOP THE TRANSMISSION OF CORONAVIRUS, THE
C.D.C. ISSUED NEW GUIDELINES SAYING IF YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE
YOUR HOUSE, YOU SHOULD WEAR A MASK.
BUT IF YOU WEAR ONE TO THE BANK, BE SURE TO ALSO WEAR A T-SHIRT
THAT SAYS, "NOT A ROBBER."
BUT, OF COURSE, THERE'S A SHORTAGE OF MASKS FOR HEALTHCARE
WORKERS, SO THE NEW C.D.C.
GUIDELINES EXPLICITLY TELL PEOPLE TO MAKE THEM AT HOME FROM
COMMON MATERIALS.
SO, JUST MAKE THE MASKS OUT OF THE STUFF YOU HOARDED, LIKE
EMPTY TOILET PAPER ROLLS.
WELL, TO GET THE WORD OUT THERE THAT WE ALL NEED TO BE COVERING
OUR FACES, A GROUP OF CONCERNED CELEBRITIES WHO HAVE ALWAYS BEEN
PRO-MASK HAS JUST RELEASED THIS NEW P.S.A.:
>> THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE SOCIETY OF
SUPER VILLAINS REGARDING COVID-19.
>> REMEMBER TO WEAR A MASK AT ALL TIMES WHEN IN CONTACT WITH
STRANGERS, NO MATTER HOW DELICIOUS THEY LOOK.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> IF YOUR MASK HAS A
RESPIRATOR, LIKE MINE, BEST TO GIVE THAT TO MEDICAL
PROFESSIONALS.
>> IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SEWING MACHINE, DO WHAT I DID-- LAYER A
T-SHIRT UNDER A HOCKEY MASK.
>> BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MASK?
DOES THIS WORK?
>> NO, IT'S GOT TO COVER YOUR MOUTH.
>> NO ONE COMES TO THE OPERA ANYWAY, SO I'M SAFE.
>> SO, REMEMBER, WEAR A MASK.
>> BECAUSE F FEWER PEOPLE WHO GE SICK FEWER WE CAN TERRORIZE, AND
THAT'S NOT A WORLD ANY OF US WANT TO DESTROY.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WHEN WE RETURN, I WILL HAVE THE FIRST INTERVIEW WITH SENATOR
BERNIE SANDERS SINCE HIS BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
STICK AROUND.